Everybody Hates Chris quotes

Narrator

When it comes to Father's Day, nobody gave a damn.

It's Father's Day, people! Come on down to Pastures and Shores! The food is half-price! [a family approaches] ¡Buenas noches! ¿Cómo se dice half-off?

Narrator

The movies are terrible..

[as everyone is running out of the theater] Aaah! Turn it off! Turn it off!

Narrator

The gifts suck...

Ta-daa!

What the hell is this?

It's a parking space, honey. We got you a parking space!

Narrator

Better park and be happy. And the only song for fathers was this.

Narrator

I tried to imagine doin' the things that Greg talked about with my father, like bringin' him Cap'n Crunch and cantaloupe.

Julius

Are you crazy? Well you better get me some bacon!

Narrator

I thought about takin' my dad to the zoo to see some penguins.

Julius

We're payin' $3.50 to see a bird that can't fly? What you gonna show me next, rats that don't eat cheese?

Stay away from my granddaughter, you cockeyed hooligan!

Narrator

Turns out older women didn't like me, either.

Drew

So, do you miss Keisha?

Narrator

You mean, do I miss being rejected, ignored and humiliated?

Chris

Yeah, sort of.

Narrator

After getting put down by Keisha and stood up by Yvette, I was through having crushes on girls in the neighborhood, and I meant it.

Narrator

Keisha was the first girl I ever really cared about. Even though she never really cared about me, when I found out her family was moving, I was sad to see her go.

Chris

Hey. Where y'all movin' to?

We're going to this place in California. It's supposed to be really, really nice. Palm trees and lawns, no violence, and no crime.

Chris

Well, what's it called?

Compton.

Narrator

I always wondered how that worked out for them.

[off-screen] Bust a cap in 'em! [the Ridenhours' rear window shatters, implying someone shot through it]

Get down, Keisha! Get down, girl, get down!

Narrator

My father hated seeming weak. He wouldn't admit to have a headache if he had a hatchet in his head.

Rochelle

Julius, you are not fine, OK? You're sick.

Julius

I'm fine.

Rochelle

No you're not. You're sick.

Julius

I'm good.

Rochelle

No you're not.

Julius

I'm OK.

Rochelle

No, you're trying to die.

Julius

I'm good, OK? Everything, good.

Rochelle

OK, Mr. "I'm Good."

Julius

[to Rochelle] You lost $10? That's $10 worth of dollars!

Narrator

Didn't Ghostbusters already catch the Holy Ghost?

Caruso

Upside the head! [smacks Chris in the head]

Narrator

The next politician to use that phrase was Jesse "The Body" Ventura.

You keep your nasty little nappy-headed son away from my granddaughter. That's how I'm doing.

Narrator

That look means all seven of the words you can't say on television.

Narrator

[about Tasha] She was screaming like the mouse had a gun.

Narrator

Tasha Clarkson was the new girl next door. Unlike just about every other girl in the neighborhood, she didn't hate me.

Narrator

Malvo was the neighborhood's repeat offender. He always committed crimes. He always got caught. And he always got out. When "Shawshank Redemption" came out, Malvo thought it was a comedy.

Narrator

The only time my dad ever brought something new home was when it was old to everybody else.

Rochelle

I asked for a sewing machine. What the hell is this?

Julius

A loom.

Rochelle

What is that?

Julius

A stove.

Rochelle

If that's the stove, where's the witch? I asked for a car. What the hell is this?

Julius

A rickshaw. That's Rick.