Benton Fraser quotes from Due South

Fraser

You know, the Inuit have sixty words to describe snow, Ray. One third of them concern the color.

Vecchio

Eskimos don't have a lot to do in the winter, huh?

Fraser

Delusional people don't simply make things up.

Vecchio

Yes, they do! That's the unique quality that makes them delusional!

Fraser

There's something going on inside that hospital, Ray.

Vecchio

You're crazy!

Fraser

That's a good idea.

So you're a Mountie, are you?

Fraser

A Constable. Royal Canadian Mounted Police, yes.

Here in Chicago.

Fraser

Well, you see, I used to live in the Yukon. But I uncovered a plot that involved drowning caribou, and then some men who were dressed in white came after me with homicidal intentions. It's a rather long story - it takes exactly two hours to tell - but the upshot of it was that I was sent here. [conspiratorially] I think I embarrassed some people in the government.

Do you have anyone who can vouch for you here?

Fraser

Well, yes. There's my wolf. Although, I'm not sure he would vouch for me - if you know anything about lupine behavior you know how moody they are, and on top of that, he's deaf.

Fraser

[notices peephole in the wall] Ray, who did you tell you were coming here?

Vecchio

Nobody, why? [he is grabbed by a thug with a gun] I misunderstood the question, I told everybody I know! I told the State's Attorney, I told the Sheriff, I even told my mother!

Vecchio

This what's wrong with you, Fraser. You see a problem and you've gotta fix it. You can't even go to the men's room without stopping to tell some simple, stupid, charmingly witty Inuit story that inspires people to take on the world's social ills.

Fraser

Well, I'm sorry, Ray, but I fail to see how a small group of people banding together to form a neighborhood watch constitutes a form of political anarchy.

Vecchio

Gimme the bat!

No!

Vecchio

Come on! Now be a good kid, and give the detective the bat.

No! I found it. Get your own!

Vecchio

Give it!

No!

Fraser

Ray. Ray. Now, children are just like people, only smaller. All you have to do is reason with them. [crouches down] Now, son, that bat is important evidence in a criminal investigation, and we'd be most grateful if you'd cooperate.

A hundred bucks!

Fraser

I see. Ray?

Vecchio

Okay, kid - can you spell 'penitentiary'? Let's try it together: P-E-N-

Okay! Here!

Fraser

Leftenant, the responsibility for this is entirely mine.

Welsh

Oh, I'm sure it is. You know, just once I'd like somebody who isn't a Mountie to come into my station and confess.

Fraser

Thank you very kindly, Leftenant - and as usual, our conversation has been extremely helpful.

Welsh

I'm so glad, Constable.

Fraser

Also, sir, I think you'll be pleased to know that I've taken the liberty of officially reprimanding myself.

Welsh

Good, good. Put it in the file with the rest of them.

Fraser

Ray, gates.

Vecchio

I know. [drives through them]

Fraser

Ray, sapling!

Vecchio

Where?

Fraser

Twelve o'clock.

Vecchio

[runs it over] Got it!

Vecchio

Fraser, what are you doing?

Fraser

I thought I'd let him shoot me, Ray. All Mr. Colling has to do is shoot me, and then he can shoot him.

Vecchio

Well, as long as you've got a plan.

Vecchio

Okay, so, at ninety-five miles an hour, how long's it gonna take?

Fraser

I can't tell you that, Ray. It would recklessly endanger the lives of thousands of motorists.

Vecchio

Okay, so, say ninety?

Fraser

Well, I explained the situation to him, and he was extremely helpful.

Vecchio

Did he rent you a car?

Fraser

No, but he doesn't have any.

Vecchio

What do you mean he doesn't have any? There's gotta be a hundred cars in this lot!

Fraser

Unfortunately, they're all reserved. I didn't realize Spiro Agnew's birthday was that widely celebrated. Also, I thought it was in November...

Vecchio

This is a 1971 mint condition Buick Riviera.

Fraser

You know, Ray, you really don't have to do this. I'm sure I can find someone who will lend me a car.

Vecchio

How many people have we asked?

Fraser

Well... uh, basically, everyone I know. It does seem rather curious they've all decided to leave town at exactly the same time...