Mike quotes from Dirty Jobs

Mike

We're just a couple of guys squeezing the crap outta chicks.

Mike

Turns out shoes really do make the horse.

Mike

That stinks a little.

You sure it's not you?

Mike

At this point, no.

Mike

This is what you did with your back room. And you could have gone with a computer office or a library...you've got a bat cage.

Yeah, I've decided to go with the fruit bat motif.

Mike

Are we walking in sand or guano?

That's powdered bat guano.

Mike

Holy shoot.

I don't know if it's holy, but it's definitely shit.

Worms are low maintenance, real easy to take care of. They basically do three things: they eat, they poop, and have sex.

Mike

Man, that's a great life.

Mike

You know they throw poop at each other over at that other ranch. Just so you know.

We're a little bit cleaner facility.

There's times that you have to either laugh or throw up, whatever comes first which you might as well laugh.

Mike

I'll tell you what. You laugh and I'll throw up.

[said while horse breeder was pulling out manure from the horse's butt] I can identify most of our horses from this angle.

Mike

You gotta get out more.

Mike

What's the coolest thing you ever found in a car you were disassembling?

One time I found a forty-five.

Mike

A forty-five... a weapon?

A weapon. I found a cassette box that was loaded with drugs.

Mike

What kinda drugs?

Green stuff in a bag, I guess it was...

Mike

Oregano, probably

Probably. Oregano to me...

Mike

What happened was that you probably got the car of an ex-cooking expert, probably.

And he was afraid someone was gonna steal his recipe and that's why he had the forty-five.

Mike

Nobody makes a turd like that and lives.

Sure they do.

Mike

Come on, it's orange!

The first thing we have to do, Mike, is get acquainted with this tool right here.

Mike

What is this?

This tool here is called the Pooper Scooper.

Mike

This is called a garden trowel.

For us it's a Pooper Scooper.

Mike

You're not gonna tell me that were gonna scoop the poop out of the pot with a garden trowel?

Now, you're gonna wanna to take your hand and brush off the excess dirt off her vulva.

Mike

Right, with my clean gloves. Excess dirt? There's nothing here but... this vulva is encased in poo.

This is the nursery.

Mike

The nursery! What fresh hell are we in here?

[brewery employee] We filter it while it's cold, it'll be clear while it's warm.

Mike

Filter cold, clear warm.

Yes. If one were to filter it warm, it might not be clear cold. Is that clear?

Mike

You're a complicated man, Tom.

Come on, you tell that to all the boys.

Mike

For a guy with a hose you tell a good story.