Dexter Morgan quotes from Dexter

Lila

Did somebody drink all the coffee again?

Debra

No, somebody didn't drink all the coffee. I had a cup and Dexter had a cup, and it just kinda went like that until the [imitating Lila's British accent] pot was empty.

Dexter

Deb ...

Debra

What? Somebody didn't drink all the coffee. It's a stupid question.

Dexter

What's this? [chuckles] It's the dragon zombie. Cody likes to hide things in my bag.

Lila

He's trying to control you. By hiding toys in your bag, you have no choice but to return them to him.

Dexter

He's seven. He seldom has thoughts more complicated than the desire for candy.

Lundy

Can I offer you some tea?

Dexter

Uh, no, thank you, I'm – [thoughts] And he pours it anyway. He's trying to throw me off balance, show that I don't have the power to say no to him.

Lundy

How about some sesame crackers to go with that?

Dexter

[thoughts] So I'll say yes to everything. [speech] I'd love some.

Lundy

[checks box] Oh, sorry. Guess I ate them all.

Dexter

[thoughts] Asshole.

Lundy

So you, one of the most cautious and precise forensic specialists I've had the pleasure to work with, you performed blood work that directly led to Rodrigo walking free. I ask myself, how the hell did that happen?

Dexter

[voiceover] And did you answer, Dexter blew the case on purpose so that he could get Rodrigo off the streets for good with a cordless reciprocating saw?

Debra

So he's 20 years older than me, what do you care?

Dexter

I don't. [pause] I mean, [sits down, leans close] I'm sure you wouldn't do anything like that.

Debra

What are you talking about, do anything like what?

Dexter

Like, try to sleep your way to the top.

Debra

You douche! That is so not true!

Dexter

Of course not, I shouldn't have even said anything, and I'm sure that thought would never even occur to anybody else.

Debra

Double-douche! You are not allowed to talk about anyone I date as long as you're seeing Little Miss "Pardon My Tits". I'm sorry, Dex, but she is gross. And pale, and nobody is pale in Miami. She is obviously a vampire. A gross, English, titty vampire.

Dexter

You just described the perfect woman.

Debra

[disgusted]

Frank Lundy

What exactly is Sergeant Doakes' problem with you, Morgan?

Dexter

[voiceover] I kill people, for one.

Rita

Is it over with Lila?

Dexter

Yes, absolutely, completely over. If I never see her again it will be too soon.

Doakes

Jesus Christ, Morgan. Jesus fucking Christ. You're the Bay Harbor Butcher.

Dexter

I really hate that name.

Doakes

Shut the fuck up. Let's get this over with. [tosses handcuffs] Put 'em on.

Doakes

Morgan, you're done. Give it up.

Dexter

Would you, in my position?

Doakes

I wouldn't be in your position, you sick fuck.

Dexter

You sure about that? You might want to check with Lundy.

Dexter

Why couldn't you just leave me to do my work in peace? Why'd you have to go and ruin everything?

Doakes

You're a killer. I catch killers.

Dexter

So do I. I caught you.

Doakes

I'm not a killer.

Dexter

[chuckles] You are. That's why you've always known what I am. That's why you have more officer-related shootings than anybody else. Only I don't fuck with you when you shoot somebody. Why couldn't you pay me the same professional courtesy?

Doakes

There's nothing professional about what you do. I kill when I have to, on the job.

Dexter

Oh, so it's okay to take a life as long as you get a paycheck for it?

Rita Bennett

Maybe we could just ... hang.

Dexter

Like a sloth. I can do that.

Debra

What the fuck, Dex?

Dexter

What which fuck?

Dexter

Deb, Doakes is a lot of things, but he's not an idiot. He won't come out of the shadows because of a grudge.

Debra

Right. 'Cause serial killers are so practical.

Dexter

Actually, they are.

Dexter

Regardless of how we got here, one of the two killers in this cabin has to go away.

Doakes

I am not a killer.

Dexter

Right. In terms of who goes, it boiled down to a philosophical question: which one of us has more inherent worth?

Doakes

I know you're fucking kidding me.

Dexter

First I considered our value to the community. That was a wash. We're both loyal civil servants, we work hard to keep the city clean.

Doakes

... You cut people up into little pieces ...

Dexter

Then I looked at our personal lives, and ... well, it's where the differences became clearer. Strange as it may seem, I have people who depend on me. They would be devastated if they found out what I do. You, Sergeant, you're more of a lone wolf. Easier to put down, no one in the pack to miss you.

Doakes

Fuck you. Fuck you, Morgan, I have a family. I have my mother, my sisters.

Dexter

Who you never visit. Puts a pit in my stomach, that I can only interpret as ... sadness. If you had a personal life, you might not have made me your obsession, and we might not be here right now.

Dexter

Don't test me, Sergeant. I could have killed you. I didn't.

Doakes

You didn't because you can't. I've had time to think about this, Morgan. I don't fit that code you were talking about, do I? At first I thought the Butcher only went after criminals because nobody gives a God damn what happens to them. But now ... now I think you got a conscience.

Dexter

Of course I have a conscience. I left you a place to shit, didn't I? It's a small conscience.