TV show quotes
My life has not been easy ever since Reggie Mac Dawson stole all my money. I mean I haven't been able to buy any new jewelry or furs in just . . . months, and I had to wear the same ball gown to two different parties this past season . . . and well lately . . . I can only afford to get my legs waxed up to the knees...(sobs).
Well, I had no idea. This poor girl has been through hell. I guess it's just rough going all around these days.
[Suzanne takes up smoking to lose weight]
Well, I am sick and tired of all you self-righteous non-smokers always lecturing everybody else. I mean, if we're trying to outlaw unattractive habits, why don't we outlaw nose-pickin' in your car at 60 miles an hour?
[The ladies are in New Orleans for Design Expo, and Charlene and Suzanne meet the ladies at a bar after spending the day on the town.]
We're having so much fun. We followed this jazz band down the street to this big ol' party. We partied for two hours until I realized it was somebody's funeral.
"I'm not eating this crap!"
Now! What's the magic word?
CRAP!
That's not an answer! (Julia chases Randa into the kitchen.)
[Bernice is making a home video to send to America's Funniest Bloopers and finds out she shot the whole video without a tape in the camcorder.]
They didn't say anything about a tape at the store! I thought you just sent the whole camera in. Oh, darn! Another beautiful Kodak moment down the toilet. Y'know, I think I'll just go back to that store and give them a piece of my mind. Or maybe not . . . it just may be the piece that's working.
[Suzanne takes over the announcer's booth at a little league game...]
Excuse me, excuse me! Will the parents of the juvenile delinquent who broke my windshield please come the the announcer's booth. And bring your checkbook. Thank you!
Oh Julia, just so you know..... the next time you see your lawyer on company time, it's going on your record.
Just so you know... the next time you speak to me in that tone of voice, you're going to the moon.
[Allison describes when she was fired as a seeing-eye-person for a blind lady.]
Do you have any idea... what it's like to be let go from a position formerly held by a dog?
[The war between Allison and Anthony over Suzanne's house continues:]
Just so you know, Allison. I did not appreciate waking up this morning and finding my wardrobe on the front lawn.
I did not appreciate the "Die, fascist pig" note in my pajamas pocket either.
I didn't put any note in your pajamas.
Oh... I guess it was somebody else.
[Here is some fun banter regarding Suzanne that is often cut out of the syndicated version...]
Why'd she (Suzanne) move to Japan anyway?
Well, Suzanne was very attracted to the Japanese economy. They have a very large elderly population there, and she had dated most of the men in this country.
Well that was something about her dating that Emperor Hirohito wouldn't it?
Oh no, Carlene. That was the nephew of Emperor Hirohito. I mean, Emperor Hirohito is dead.
... never stopped Suzanne in the past.
For someone who's not gonna even be working here, Tinkerbell sure has a big desk.
Just to make sure that we get off on the right foot, let's talk about how we can be more professional and well presented. On the personal side, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but someone's wearing a very offensive cologne. Incidentally, I do think it's inappropriate to bring visiting relatives to work. (To Carlene) Is there any particular reason you're lying on the sofa?
Yes, she has premenstrual cramps.
You suffer from P.M.S.?
Um... actually back home we call it F.T.S... Fixin' To Start. And then when it finally arrives, you say your cousin's visiting. And that's why it was so funny this morning when Anthony said Julia's cousin was visiting, I thought that Julia was... Fixin' To Start.... then you showed up
(to Mary Jo) Incidentally, I assume you meant for your lips to be that color this morning.
Yes.....I did.
Ok. I'm just a person who believes if someone has a bird on their head you should tell them.
Mary Jo, guess what I found in the mall last night. Carlene and I went shopping, and I had this picture of my whole family put on this button....see? Here's my mama and my daddy, all my brothers and all my sisters. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna wear it when I meet the Queen....see that way she gets to see my whole family.
Uh-huh. That will certainly set you apart from the crowd.
Let me get this straight. You're gonna wear that when you meet the Queen?
Yeah, why?
Well, as I was just saying to Mary Jo, I believe that if someone has a bird on their head you have to tell them, and I am here to tell you that you do not impress the Queen of England by showing up with a big ol' soup plate on your breast with 49 hicks emblazoned on it!
[Allison starts to enter the storeroom/bathroom... ]
Oh no... (chuckling)... you can't go in there.
Why not?
My cat's using it.
Your cat is using our bathroom?
Yeah, I bought this book that says how you can forever eliminate litter boxes with their offensive odors, and what you do is: you take the litter box and put it on a stack of magazines right by the toilet, and every day you just add more and more magazines to the pile until it's right level with that toilet. And then you take that litter box and put it right on top of the toilet, so the cat gets used to (snap) jumping up there. And finally, you just remove the litter box entirely and just leave the lid up on the toilet, and you know what happens (smiling with her brilliance) ?
Yes. The cat jumps into the toilet. I admit that it's a great gag, and I certainly enjoy playing elaborate practical jokes on household pets as much as anyone but, Carlene, why are you doing this here?
Well, I've got to supervise her progress.
Y'know, I think it's just amazing that you can get a cat to understand the concept of a commode. My dog Brownie, I mean, he just thinks of ours as just a giant punch bowl.
(laughing hysterically) Mary Jo, I can't believe you said that!
Yes I know. Every time I come in here she's a pickin' and you're a grinnin'.
Anthony, where have you been all morning?
Mary Jo, the proper question to ask is 'where have I been all night.' And the answer is... I was locked in the basement of Suzanne's house.
Oh! Were you in the basement? I thought I heard something down there last night.
Oh really? Did it sound something like someone screaming "let me out of here, Bitch!!"?
[After Julia's friend Mark stops by the store]
So... that's Mark Bayswell.
Uh huh.
That's the man who's going to take you back into the world of dating.
That's right.
Uh HUH.
What exactly do you mean by 'uh huh?'
Nothing. You just proved my point, that's all.
What's your point?
Julia!! That is the gayest human being I've ever seen in my life!
He is Not!
Julia!! He was wearing a Lacoste. He knows what a peplum is. In a twenty second conversation he managed to work in 'Ida Lupino.' And he has never laid a finger on you, am I right?
I'm not going to answer that.
You just did.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Designing Women pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
