Quark quotes from Deep Space Nine

Quark

What do you think?

It's vile.

Quark

I know. It's so bubbly and cloying and happy.

Just like the Federation.

Quark

And you know what's really frightening? If you drink enough of it, you begin to like it.

It's insidious.

Quark

Just like the Federation.

Do you think they can save us?

Quark

I hope so.

Quark

It's 50-50. Better odds than you get at the dabo table.

Dabo?

Quark

It's a game. If we get out of this, I'll teach it to you.

Quark

Rom! You're a genius!

Rom

You think so?

Quark

How should I know? I have no idea what you're talking about.

Nog

Tries to warn his father not to interfer with theUniversal timeline

Quark

"within a year we'll be running this planet," and dreams of cultivating a vast Ferengi economic empire with himself as the Grand Nagus. [Tribute to Charleton Heston remarks in "Planet of the Apes"[!}

What do you know about atom bombs?

Quark

My people have been watching your world for years. We know all about you—baseball, root beer, darts, atom bombs.

Quark

I'm innocent, I tell ya! This is all a misunderstanding! Rom, get me a lawyer!

Rom

I'll call Cousin Gaila. I'm sure he'll know a good one.

Quark

[as he's being dragged away] ROM, YOU IDIOT!

Rom

[grins] See you in a few weeks, brother!

Chief O'Brien

You probably wouldn't understand this, Quark, but when you care about a place and it's in trouble and you want to do something about it, and you can't, it's very frustrating.

Quark

I know exactly what you mean! When the Great Monetary Collapse hit Ferenginar, I was hundreds of light-years away serving as a ship's cook on a long-haul freighter. I can't tell you the heartbreak I suffered, knowing that rampant inflation and currency devaluation were burning like wildfires through the lush financial foliage of my home. It still depresses me, even today. I remembered thinking my accounts needed me and there was nothing I could do! I felt so... so helpless. So you see, I do understand.

Chief O'Brien

Somehow, you telling me that doesn't make me feel the least bit better.

How was that?

Quark

Awful! [Garak looks offended] Did you hear that sound of bone snapping? I don't want that to be the last thing I hear!

[annoyed] It wasn't that loud.

Quark

You don't have these ears. Snapping vertebrae is out.

We're running out of options, Quark. You don't want to be vaporized because you need a body. The disruptor ruined your clothing, the knife was too savage, the nerve gas smelled bad, hanging took too long, and poison... What was wrong with poison?

Quark

It doesn't work. If I know the food is poisoned, I won't eat it. [motions to the "corpse"] Could you get rid of this? The sight of it is making me sick.

Computer, remove corpse. [it vanishes] For a man who wants to kill himself, you are strangely determined to live.

Quark

I'm going to die; don't you worry about that. I just want to find the right way.

"Right way"?

Quark

I don't want to see it coming, or hear it, or feel it, or smell it. I just want to go on with my life, and then... I'm dead.

Ah. You want to be surprised.

Quark

Exactly. I want to wake up in the Divine Treasury and have no idea how I got there.

I see. Perhaps that can be arranged.

Quark

Really?

You have my word. You'll never know what hit you.

I am Gint, the first Grand Nagus!

Quark

You look like my brother, Rom.

That's because this is a dream, you imbecile!

Quark

A dream. That explains why this place looks so tacky.

Quark

[to FCA Liquidator Brunt] Look, I've broken the contract, so do your job. Take my assets, revoke my Ferengi business license. Do whatever you have to do, then get out. And if I ever see you walk into my bar again...

Brunt

Yes?

Quark

You won't walk out.

Quark

[to Odo] All I'm saying is if you're going to prosecute me, I demand you prosecute my co-conspirator!

Dr. Julian Bashir

I'm not a conspirator!

Odo

And just what would you call yourself, Doctor?

Bashir

An idiot...

Quark

[under his breath] I'll buy that.

Bashir

[scowls at Quark] For asking for your help in the first place!

Grilka

The recent hostilities between the Federation and the Empire have been very costly to my family. We have suffered great losses in ships, lands, warriors.

Quark

War. What is it good for? If you ask me, absolutely nothing.

Dr. Julian Bashir

(examining an injured Quark) A compound fracture of the right radius, two fractured ribs, torn ligaments, strained tendons, numerous contusions, bruises, and scratches. What have you been doing?

Quark

You mean, (taking Grilka's hand) what have we been doing?

Dr. Julian Bashir

(unsettled) Never mind. I don't need that particular image running around my head. I'll just treat you.

Dr. Julian Bashir

What happened to you two?

Lt. Cmdr. Worf

We, uh...

Jadzia Dax

Well, if you must know—

Dr. Julian Bashir

[becoming flustered] No! I don't need that particular image, either. In fact, I'm going to stop asking that question altogether! People can come in, I will treat them, and that will be all.

Quark

The Jem Hadar don't eat, don't drink, and they don't have sex. And if that wasn't bad enough, the Founders don't eat, and don't drink, and they don't have sex, either. Which, between you and me, makes my financial future less than promising.

It might not be so bad. For all we know the Vorta might be gluttonous, alcoholic sex maniacs.

Quark

[brightened] I never thought of that! I wonder what their favorite food is?

Quark

None of these charges are gonna stick! I haven't broken any laws! [beat] I have a license to run holosuites.

Odo

But you don't have a license to sell weapons, do you?

Quark

[pause] I defy you to prove that I've brought a single weapon onto this station.

Odo

It's a mere technicality; we both know what you're doing. And I promise you, you're going to face the consequences.

Sisko

Not today, he isn't! [pause] Let him go.

Odo

[incredulous] Let him go?!

Sisko

Major, tell the constable what you told me.

Kira

The Bajoran government insists that Deep Space 9 not interfere with the lawful transactions of Hagath and his associates. Hagath supplied arms to the resistance—without him or people like him, we would all be dead, and the Cardassians would still be in power. [beat] We owe him.

Odo

[exasperated] Captain!

Sisko

I don't like it any more than you do.

Quark

[smug] Better luck next time. [a furious Sisko spins Quark's chair around to face him]

Sisko

[angrily] You'd better hope there isn't a "next time," mister! I have cut you a lot of slack in the past—I even looked the other way once or twice when I could have come down hard on you—but those days are over! Now, we may not be able to get you for selling weapons, but you so much as litter on the Promenade, and I will nail you to the wall!!

[nostalgic] I'll never forget how many people told us we were making a mistake. "Sell weapons to the Bajorans?"

"What chance do they have?", they said. "Invest in a winner, sell to the Cardassians."

Quark

But why? They couldn't have had any money...

My dear Quark, not every deal is about making money. Sometimes, you have to look at the big picture. And, at times, gaining a friend is more important than making profit.

I admit, it's not the Ferengi way, but it's good business nonetheless.

I knew eventually the Cardassians were going to lose, and do you know why?

Quark

Because they were overly confident?

Exactly! They underestimated the Bajoran thirst for freedom, I didn't.