You're facing some serious charges here, Quark: incitement to riot, endangering the public safety, disregarding...
QuarkHow was I supposed to know everyone was going to start shooting? I just wanted them to cross paths so that the deal would fall through.
It fell through all right. Hagath and Gaila barely managed to get off the station alive!
Quark
I hear General Nassuc sent a Purification Squad after them.
I wouldn't count on seeing your former business partners again.
Quark
I can live with that.
What about the Regent's death?
Quark
The Regent's dead?
A Purification Squad caught up with him this morning.
Quark
I can live with that, too. And I can think of twenty-eight million other people who won't mind, either.
Twenty-eight million and one.
Quark
Did you catch him?
We caught him. Or rather, Major Kira caught him.
I didn't really do anything. I was in the Bajoran shrine, meditating, and he burst in, stark naked, fell to his knees, crying out to the Prophets for protection!
Morn, of all people. Who would've thought he'd just snap like that?
Certainly not me. Which leads me to wonder, what could have pushed him over the edge? [looks pointedly at Quark]
Quark
Why are you looking at me? I'm the victim here! [Odo scoffs] He hit me with a bar stool!
Quark
I don't have the faintest idea.
Witnesses say you were talking to him right up until the moment he went berserk.
Quark
Of course I was talking to him. That's what bartenders are supposed to do—talk to their customers.
What exactly was it that you were talking to him about?
Quark
All I said was that the military personnel on this station were starting to look a little nervous. When they get nervous, I get nervous.
Quark
Basically. [beat] I might've done some harmless theorizing.
Quark
Oh, something like it was only a matter of time until the Dominion launched a full-scale assault on the Federation, and when that happened, this station would undoubtedly be their first target. [long pause] And I might've idly suggested that there wasn't a chance in hell of any of us getting out of here alive.
And that's when Morn hit you with a bar stool and ran onto the Promenade screaming, "We're all doomed"?
Quark
...Some people just don't react well to stress.
[just before Bashir and O'Brien sit down to a huge meal]
What do you think you're doing?
The wedding's been called off.
It's back on! Worf is apologizing to Jadzia at this very moment.
Quark, take it all away! No food for those on the path to Kal'Hyah!
Quark
No refunds for those on the path to Kal'Hyah, either. Sorry.
Quark
I've been a bartender a long time. I've seen all sorts of customers—sad ones, happy ones, complicated ones.
Uh-huh. And Bareil, where does he fit in?
Quark
He's one of the tormented ones.
[at the end of a crawlspace, Quark and Rom emerge into Sisko's office.]
May I help you gentlemen?
[to Quark] I was following you.
Quark
Must have taken a wrong turn.
[deadpan] It looks that way.
Quark
Everyone, this is Keevan.
Hi. I'm Rom. This is Nog. That's Brunt—
Quark
Rom. He doesn't care.
Truer words have never been spoken. I'll advise you all to send final messages to your loved ones and make sure your wills are in order.
Because the moment we leave the station, you'll have signed your death warrants. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to take a nap.
Quark
No one's hiding, no one's escaping, and no one's surrendering! What's the matter with you people? Have you forgotten the Battle of Prexnak?
Who could forget the most important battle in Ferengi history?
Quark
Ten Ferengi stood alone against two hundred and seventy-three Lytasians.
GGaila
As I recall, all ten Ferengi were slaughtered.
Quark
The point is, we Ferengi are just as tough as anybody in the galaxy. And this is our chance to prove it once and for all.
LLeck
Quark's right. Let's do it for Ishka. Let's do it for the Grand Nagus. Let's do it for Ferengis everywhere.
Let's do it for an equal share of fifty bars of gold-pressed latinum. That they can all agree on.
GGaila
It always comes down to profit with you people, doesn't it?
Quark
And that's why I love you. Fifty bars it is. Minus my usual finder's fee.
[Quark's obtained a cache of what he thinks are bricks of gold-pressed latinum]
Quark
It's mine, all mine! [he holds up two bricks to Odo] What you are about to hear is the most beautiful sound in the galaxy! [He knocks the two bricks together, but instead of making a clinking sound, they crumble. To Quark's horror, when he checks other bricks, the same thing happens] No, that, that can't be! There's no latinum in these bricks!
Quark
Someone's extracted all the latinum! There's nothing here but worthless gold!
[unable to hide his amusement] And it's all yours. [he chuckles and walks away, while Quark frantically checks the bricks for any sign of latinum]
Quark
No! Noooo! NOOOOO!
Are you sure that you two returned to your original height?
It's just that you both seem to be a couple of centimeters shorter. A Changeling notices these sort of things.
Quark
Actually now that I think about it, you both do seem a little on the petite side.
[Both run to the infirmary]
Quark
[to Odo] And they say you don't have a sense of humor.
[Quark and Odo chuckle]
Quark, listen. I'm working on a crime novel, but I've hit a wall in my writing. It's not truthful anymore—phony, artificial. I'm having trouble creating real, flesh-and-blood characters, especially nefarious ones. If you could just let me just watch and listen as you pull off whatever it is you're going to pull off, it could really help me out. You could give me insight. I could even model my lead character after you.
Quark
Lesson number one: no one involved in an extralegal activity thinks of themselves as nefarious.
Quark
I'm a businessman, okay? Now, if you're interested in learning more about my business, I think that could be arranged.
[Jadzia and Worf have just announced that they are trying to have a baby.]
Well, you two are awfully quiet.
Uh, look, um, I don't want to dampen your spirits, Jadzia, but I told you before you were married that, from a medical point-of-view, it wouldn't be easy for a Trill and a Klingon to have a child.
Quark
And I'm worried the kid'll end up looking like his father.
[offended] Well, I hope she does. [makes a face and walks off in a huff]
Quark
It's bad enough she married that Klingon psychopath.
A baby. Do you have any idea what that means?
Quark
That their marriage is gonna last. A lot longer than we thought.
Deep Space Nine · 633 quotes
