Dead Ringers quotes

Alfie mate, I'm getting a premonition that I might be killed off in a few months.

But then doesn't that mean they'll be a space for another Walford bad boy?

Nah they already filled that...

Yes that's right! I got sick of being the bad boy of Parliament so now I've moved onto somewhere I'll fit in more, Albert Square! I've already got Pauline Fowler pregnant and started a love triangle with myself, Pat Butcher and Wellard the dog.

Ah there you are Blunkett! Did you really think you were gonna mess with the Watts and get away with it!?

Sharon, wait, don't do it princess.

Why not? He must've really hurt her.

Hurt me? Nah, I wouldn't go near Blunkett with a stick!

But then if you didn't sleep with him, which Watts did?

(Beat) Me.

Welcome to Crime Watch. If this were the Avengers, I'd be Emma Peel.

Yes, and I'd be Steed's umbrella.

Is this B&Q?

Yes.

Ah, good, this is the Doctor. Tell me, do you sell sink plungers?

Yes.

Do you sell dustbins?

Yes.

Do you sell wooden dowels?

Yes.

And when Minis drive by, do they ever have little blinking orange lights?

Er...yes?

Ah, my friend, if you have dustbins, sink plungers, wooden dowels and Minis driving by with little blinking orange lights, you are in great danger! Your shop may well be the invasion corridor for the Dalek army! You must flee at once!

Well, that's it then, Roy. We know who did it. We know who shot Phil Mitchell. It was...

Me, Brian Perkins!

The makers of the Harry Potter films are looking for a replacement for Richard Harris to play the wizardly headmaster Dumbledore. To save time they're only recalling actors who have experience with beards.

Oh, wise and Kindly Dumbledore, you said you had something of great importance you wanted to say to me.

Yeah, g'day, Harry. It's your old mate Dumbledore here!

Next!

Harry, don't defeat Lord Voldemort a little. Defeat him a lotto!

Next!

HELLO! I'M BRIAN BLESSED!

Next!

BBC Radio 4, I'm Albus Dumbledore. Or at least I am if they know what's good for them! Brian Perkins knows exactly how to gain access to the Chamber of Secrets. You just get Jenni Murray drunk at the Radio 4 Christmas Party!

I need your advice, kindly old Dumbledore.

No. What you need, Potter, are new glasses. I'm not Dumbledore, I'm Gandalf. The wise old wizard that guides a youthful hero on a journey of discovery.

Yes, that's right, Dumbledore.

Frodo, tell him that I'm Gandalf.

You're not Gandalf, Gandalf's here! [Points at Obi-Wan Kenobi ] The wise wizard that guides a young hero on a brave quest!

No, young acolyte, I'm not Gandalf. I'm the old master who schools a young hero in a mystic art.

Dumbledore!

I'm not bloody Dumbledore. I'm the one who sacrifices himself in the first part of the trilogy, then comes back from the dead to help the hero!

You've nicked that bit off me!

Harry, Dumbledore doesn't appear in this film because the actor who plays him is dead, but he will return played by somebody else.

Like me, they've nicked that bit too!

Look, it's my movie that's breaking all box office records, not your piss poor effort!

Oh, that's all we need. (!) The evil villain who dabbles in the Dark Side of the mystic realm.

Saruman!

No, that's [Vader] the villain who kills the father of the hero!

That's Lord Voldemort!

I'm not Voldemort! Anyway, that's just a story they tell the hero. The truth is I'm really his father.

You're my father?

I am. [Beat] Oh, bugger! That's really spoilt the ending of the fifth book, hasn't it?

Ah, Harry Potter. I suppose you and your friends thought you could hide your identities from me under the cover of these mysterious cloaks. Well as of today the headmaster has the right to ban these face-concealing veils so take 'em off.

(Rolling his eyes) Look, these things cause communication difficulties between staff and pupils. It's difficult enough with my ludicrous accent now take 'em off. You first Potter.

(Rolling his eyes again) Oh God Potter, you're not in the West End anymore. Stop doing that with your wand it's against health and safety.

Osama bin Laden's comedy tape is more controversial then Roy Chubby Brown; but less reactionary then Jim Davidson!

Are there any Americans in the audience

Kill him!

Tony, how much do you love Jennifer?

Tony

Nyeh.

Nyeh? We don't do "nyeh" on this show Tony. What's the matter?

Tony

I just don't think I care anymore, Noel. I have been in my hotel room for 86 weeks waiting to get on this show. I lost my job, my wife has run off with my best friend and my house has been repossessed. This, is just a silly game.

They warned me this day would come. That there would be one. One like you! (pointing at Tony) Well let me tell you, Tony. We don't like your sort on Deal or No Deal. Do we, Deal or No Dealers?

No!

So let us take our little happy sticks from underneath our podiums, and beat some Deal or No Deal happiness back into Tony!

Now let's keep playing.

Do I have to?

(under his breath) It's spreading!