And you've learned it's not what's on the outside that's beautiful, it's what's on the inside: your heart. And your liver, your gallbladder, and your spleen.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
When a tale is so great that it is passed down through the centuries, we call it, a legend. The story you are about to hear... Is not that great. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not a bad story, it has chickens in it, it's just not great.
[Candy is frusterated at how many presents Dave has received.]
All wrong! World: upside-down! I'm the princess in this family, do you know how long it's been since I've got a gift basket? A gift certificate? A nice card!?
[Candy "calls" her mom and dad through a cauldron. They are chained to a wall.]
Well, when you fight evil, sometimes you're gonna get put in a fiendish deathtrap from which you have to heroically escape at the last instant.
Don't worry about your Rite of Pillage, son. Ransack a town, rob the peasants, then, bang! Home for cake. Easy-peasy.
Oops, the dungeon keeper's coming! Time for us to pull off our heroic escape and destroy the citadel!
TThronktar
Toodle-bye!
Men know me as... The Pillage Master. But you may call me... Doria.
Thats a pretty name.
[Dave trains for his Rite of Pillage.]
[Clears throat.] I would like to formally apologise for all the trouble we barbarians have-
No! Scare them, scream at them, run and yell! Run and yell!
You're about as scary as a quart of non-fat milk!
And the chickens do peck upon the head of Dave until the next sunrise and well into the afternoon.
Dave, it is now the sixteenth hour of the sixteenth day of the sixteenth month, of your sixteenth year!
Sixteenth month? Has anyone checked this guy's math?
[The Pillage Master issues Dave an F on his battle cry.]
Hark, the dread footfalls of family disgrace draw nigh.
If that means Dave's a bonehead, I agree.
[The Pillage Master describes the "Laying Waste" test.]
You must lay waste here, [Dave begins chuckling] then you must lay waste over there. Then, when you feel you can no longer lay waste, you- all right, what is so funny!?
[Dave "ruins" some houses.]
Look at that hideous paint job, the atrocious awnings, and the landscaping- ugh! From a design standpoint, those buildings are ruined beyond belief!
[For the Plundering Test, Dave rings a doorbell and asks if he can steal some jewels.]
SKSome Kid
[Holding a microphone in a stand-up comedian role.] We're so poor, our bologna doesn't have a first name! Hello!? [Taps microphone.] Has this thing been invented yet? Come on, these are the jokes, people! We're so poor, we can't buy a vowel! So, two guys walk into a barbarian...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Dave the Barbarian pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.