[Princess Candy has just been informed that a giant muffin is attacking the enchanted forest, and various characters are suggesting how to deal with it.]
That'll never work. Does anyone have one of those yappy dogs? That might scare it away.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[after accidentally throwing Lula into the air] WILD SWORD! HEADS UP! [Lula lands in the stump] My bad.
[Lula is Dave's enchanted talking sword]
You know what would come in handy against a monster made of dough? Some sort of sharp implement. Oh, if only you had a sharp implement, David. If only-
There's no need to be sarcastic. Time to cut a muffin!
That sounds nasty for some reason.
Somebody get me out of here! This stump's got worms in it!
Stop! Don't spoonfeed that sprite another bite of regurgitated goose! Not until I floss his royal teeth. Say "Ahh" your majesty!
SSThe Sprite of the Stump
Okay, whichever one of you manages to slay the muffin monster, wins this: it's an immunity totem. Whoever wins it is excused from giving me my evening spongebath.
[The muffin monster's big brother is attacking Udrogoth Castle. He takes a tower and throws it.]
Hey, he threw my room! All my dollies are in there!
[Dave, Candy, and Oswidge look at Fang]
I mean, all my... Weapons.
[In the Great Indoor Marketplace Dave approaches a clerk at "Ye Sick People Shop" for advice.]
SCSales Clerk
Eh, I just do holes and leeches. If you want advice, I guess you could read one of those self-help scrolls... but they're all written by crackpots and weirdos.
Crackpots and weirdos!? Count me in!
At last! I know my purpose in life: to help people! And to do that, I must become... A psychofloobicologist!
QQuozmir
Who dares wake Quozmir, Udrogothian god of overused punctuation!? Whoever it is, he shall pay... um, or she.
[Psychofloobicologist Dave has just asked Quozmir why he must destroy the earth.]
QQuozmir
Why? You know, I never really thought about it before. Why must I destroy? Why do I feel such rage? Why do I persist in doing this atrocious combover, when I'm obviously balding. I mean, seriously, who am I fooling?
[Quozmir has just purchased two wheels of cheese at the Great Indoor Marketplace, in part of his flaming-loogie-spitting rampage]
Not the Cheese!
What's the big deal?
Cheese produces phlegm.
And?
And if the cheese creates more phlegm, that means bigger flaming loogies!
And?
Look, I'm going to put this in terms you can understand: he could destroy all the shopping!
[gasps] Not on my watch!
Why are you stoping me, that' guy's a menace to shopping! Besides, if he ate all that cheese, it'd go straight to his hips.
We will use the mightiest weapon in the psychofloobicologist's arsenal: Happycrafts!
[Candy attempts to calm Quozmir's rage by reuniting him with his mom]
QSQuozmir's mom
Huh, he never calls, he never writes, I ask you: is this the way for a son to act?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Dave the Barbarian pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.