GAGerman airman
Bitte, mein Herr! Oh, bitte, bitte! [Please, sir! Oh, please, please!]
It's no good trying to apologise.
GAGerman airman
Schnell! Schnell! [Quick! Quick!]
Never mind about the smell. That's got nothing to do with it.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Video version, on Youtube
GUGerman U-boat Captain
I am making notes, Captain, and your name will go on the list; and when we win the war you will be brought to account.
You can write what you like; you're not going to win this war!
Oh yes, we are.
Oh no, you're not.
Oh yes, we are!
PPPvt. Pike
[Singing] Whistle while you work, Hitler is a twerp, he's half-barmy, so's his army, whistle while you work!
Your name will also go on the list! What is it?
Don't tell him Pike!
Pike!
[Later on, after the tables have turned courtesy of a foolish mistake by Hodges, the platoon are ordered to accompany the German crew on their boat, to protect them from the Navy [who will not blow up their boat if there are British men aboard]:]
When we arrive in France, you will be MY prisoners and then - we shall examine the List!
Just to make sure, Captain, that your behaviour is correct, this old man will march in front of me [puts grenade down Jones' trousers with string attached to pin]. One false move from you...and I pull the string!
Oh...don't make any false moves Mr Mainwaring, and don't make any real ones either!
Seven seconds will be enough for me to get clear, but I don't think it is enough time for the old man to unbutton his tunic.
A terrible way to die!
[to the U-boat captain] You unspeakable swine!
[The Vicar is riding his bicycle along a country lane when Sergeant Wilson speeds past him on the motorbike, causing him to cycle into the grass beside the road. He then gets off his bicycle]
Ooh, you silly man!
[about Mr Yeatman]
He has a face like a sour prune.
The Vicar has just joined the platoon, and Mainwaring is not happy about it.
Could I stand by and watch my wife being raped by a Nazi? Finally I said to myself, no I couldn't.
But you're not married.
I have a very vivid imagination.
No liquor is to be taken without my permission.
Hold on! That is undemocratic!
You, Frazer, will be in charge of all liquor permits.
I'm right behind you, Cap'n!
Would you like to hear the story of the old, empty barn?
Um. Yes, yes, ehh yes, it might put us in a good mood before we go to sleep. Pay attention everybody. Private Frazer is going to tell us the story of the old empty barn. Carry on Frazer.
Right. The story of the old, empty barn. Well. There was nothing in it.
Mainwaring [To Godfrey] You can't move swiftly across country loaded down with that.
FFraser
He couldn't move swiftly across country stark naked.
PPike
Uncle Arthur, Captain Mainwaring's just gone past with a monkey on his back.
[Mr. Hodges, Captain Mainwaring, Sergeant Wilson and Private Pike go outside the church to check out the camouflaged Rolls-Royce 20/25]
Look at that, Wilson.
Yeah.
You shouldn't have it by rights! She would have given it to me if you hadn't shoved your oar in.
Magnificent, isn't it, Wilson?
Yes.
Look at that craftsmanship, eh? British throughout. Show me the French car that could match that.
PPike
Yeah, or a Yankee one.
As indeed you say, Pike, or a Yankee one.
I must say, it looks awfully good as a staff car.
I'll say it looks good. I'll bet there isn't another one like this in the whole of the British Isles.
[But then, a second camouflaged car comes down the street]
Great Scott! What's that?
PPike
It's twins.
[The sound of a honking horn is heard as the car pulls up behind Mainwaring's car. Inside it are Lance-Corporal Jones and Private Frazer]
Look at that, Mr Frazer. They've got another one.
Aye. Typical Mainwaring. One on and one in the wash.
Where did you get that car, Wilson?
Outside the Town Hall with Angela's chauffeur.
Then where did that one come from, Jones?
[Godfrey comes out to speak to Mainwaring]
GGodfrey
Captain Mainwaring, I...
Yes?
GGodfrey
I'm sorry to bother you, but the town clerk is on the telephone. He wants to speak to you rather urgently. It seems the Mayor has lost his Rolls-Royce.
[Mainwaring goes inside the church hall to answer the telephone]
PPike
Uncle Arthur?
Yes?
PPike
Do you think the Mayor's going to be cross with Mr. Mainwaring for putting dirty brown paint all over his Rolls-Royce?
The platoon has gone into a pub dressed as Nazis, without Mainwaring's permission
We shouldn't do this, Sergeant Wilson.
Well, what are you going to have?
A pint.
LLandlord
Good morning, Gentlemen. What can I get...[turns and sees the platoon dressed as Nazis]
PPike
[in a German accent] Gut afternoon, mein host. 16 shandies mit the ginger beer.
LLandlord
[stammers] Pints or 'alves?
PPike
Pints!
This really is most awkward, isn't it, Wilson?
I really do feel very deeply for you.
Look, couldn't you help us out?
I'm terribly sorry.
You must realise how embarrassing a situation this is for me.
Well, can't you and Frank go round again?
PPike
I think Mum wanted to come, but she's ever so upset at losing me. I'm all she's got, you know. That's why she was a bit off with Uncle Arthur when he asked her.
Oh, you did ask, then?
Yes.
PPike
At breakfast.
Frank.
PPike
I think she was going to say yes, that is until Uncle Arthur mentioned that there was a sort of burnt taste about the... that porridge, so she picked up the pan and poured it in his Homburg hat. They haven't spoken since.
You take my advice. Whomever you marry, take a very firm stand with your wife from the outset.
PPike
Start as you mean to go on, eh?
That's right.
PPike
I'll remember that.
Good lad.
PPike
Mrs Mainwaring coming? I said is Mrs Mainwaring coming? [Pike pulls a silly face]
Y'know, you're going to have to do something about that habit of yours.
PPike
What habit?
This. [Pulls a silly face like Pike]
PPike
What? [Mainwaring pulls the silly face again] Do I do that?
Almost at the end of every sentence you go... [Pulls the silly face]
PPike
Oh, how awful. Oh, thank you for telling me, Mr. Mainwaring. [Pulls the silly face]
[Lance-Corporal Jones enters the church hall]
Sir, Captain Mainwaring, sir. I've done it, sir. I've done it. Ninety-seven pints I've got, sir. I've done it, sir.
What are you talking about, Jones?
Frazer, come on, bring the Sergeant in.
[Private Frazer brings in the captured sergeant]
Go on! Get in there. Go on, go. Right, left, right, left, halt! Salute the officer. Salute the... (Poke the sergeant with a stick)
ISItalian Sergeant
'[Yells in Italian accent] What the for you stick me with the bayonet? I no make trouble. Me buddy-buddy, friend.
What's all this about?
Well, sir, I went down to the Italian prisoner of war POW camp and I saw the guard there, and I gave him a little bit of fillet steak, sir, and he let me bring 80 prisoners of wars out for donoring purposes, sir.
I object. That's not fair, that's enemy blood.
Of course it's fair. They started it.
ISItalian Sergeant
Hey, what you calling me enemy for? I not enemy. I sit at home, mind my business. Trattoria Paisano. Very good food. I cook myself. Then they... Then they come to me, they say, "Hey you! You got to go, you got to go fight! You got to go bangy bang!" We is not to blame, Signor Capitano. It's the Signor Adolf Hitler, they is to blame.
Your government should be more careful about who it chooses for friends.
ISItalian soldier
Friends? Oh, you can talk about friends. What about the Stalins?
That's enough of that.
[about lowering Mrs. Pike's rent] I'll do nothing of the sort. It's my property, and I'll charge what I want for it.
Oh, no you won't. I shall report you to the Chamber of Commerce, and they'll throw you out on your ear.
And, as a member of the Chamber of Commerce [taps the table], I second that.
GGodfrey
And I third it.
[Amid much noise] You're not a shopkeeper, so shut up.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Dad's Army pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.