Mainwaring quotes from Dad's Army

A man in my position can't be seen fighting a dragon in cardboard armour!

And so... And so, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce our guest of honour - one of Walmington-on-Sea's most distinguished citizens. A man of many parts. A banker, soldier, magistrate, alderman and secretary of the Rotary Club. A good fellow all round. Ladies and gentlemen, Alderman George Mainwaring!

Mr Chairman, Mr Town Clerk, ladies and gentlemen. When I was first invited to be guest of honour tonight at the launching of Walmington-on-Sea's I'm Backing Britain Campaign, I accepted without hesitation. After all, I have always backed Britain.

Hear, hear!

I got into the habit of it in 1940, but then we ALL backed Britain.

Hear, hear.

It was the darkest hour in our history. The odds were absurdly against us, but, young and old, we stood there, defiant, determined to survive, to recover and, finally, to win.

Walker

Hear, hear.

News was desperate, but our spirits were always high.

I was just going to give the order... just going to give the order... just going to give...

What's the matter, Corporal?

I think I'm going, sir. I hear angels' voices!

Those are not angels' voices; it's the choir in the office!

Well if that's what it's like to go, I like it, I like it!

Come on boys, show 'em [the platoon cock their guns and aim them upwards], enemy plane I said, just like you said Sir. Swing with the plane, boys, swing with the plane, aim just in front. And then I gave the order 'shoot'.

No, no not 'shoot'; FIRE!

VANDALS!

Shall we meet again at the same time, same place next week?

Thank goodness! I won't have to clean that thing for three weeks.

That is not the right attitude to adopt, Frazer. You should consider it an honour and a privilege to use this Lewis gun.

If it was a privilege, none of us would ever be getting a look in; you and the Sergeant would be doing it all the time.

That'll do. That'll do. The butterfly spring seems to be missing from here Frazer.

What? Oh aye. So it is. I must have left it in me workshop.

Your workshop?

Aye. I took the gun home to be cleaned.

Look. For a start you've got no right to take that gun off these premises. Most of all that gun is totally useless without its butterfly spring. If a Nazi Storm Trooper came rushing in through that door you could do nothing with that, but hit him with it.

Permission to speak sir. If Frazer were to hit him with it, it wouldn't half make his eyes water.

Where is he going?

It's when he comes to you, you want to worry. That ball leaves his hand at ninety five miles an hour. This guy would've been playing for England if the war hadn't started. ["The Bowler" is played by former England fast bowler Fred Trueman.]

What?

I'm gonna enjoy this.

[Laughing] Enjoying yourself, Mainwaring?

He's not bowling at the stumps. He's bowling at me.

Yes, Mainwaring here.

Good Morning Mr. Mainwaring, Vicar here.

What are you going to tell me about Wilson; that he's been made Archbishop of Canterbury?

Now look here, Hodges.

No, you look here, Mainwaring. My headquarters has been put out of action and I have official permission to use these premises here.

On whose authority?

See for yourself. [Opens a piece of paper] There you are. [Passes the paper onto Mainwaring] Now I'm, I'm a reasonable sort of man. I know you and I've had our differences in the past, but we are both on the same side and I want to be generous. I don't want to, er, well, I don't want to er, you know, be stand-offish and uh, I'm prepared to go shares with you. So I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Now, this half here with your chair, you can have. This half here is me. Right? Draw a line here like this. Got it? [Uses some chalk to draw a line] Here we are, down the wall.

Just a moment. What are you doing?

Now now, Mainwaring, when it comes to the desk, you keep your stuff over there, and I'll keep my stuff over here, alright? [Draws a chalk line on the desk]

How dare you mark my desk? [Rubs the chalk line off the desk using a cloth]

I'm only trying to fair and reasonable.

Rub this out at once.

Then I shall chalk in again. I can chalk quicker than you can rub, mate.

Now, you're not going over when I say "over". So let's do it in turns, shall we? All my file will say it first, and then Wilson's file say it after. Right, one, two, three. [Speaks through his can] Over.

Over.

Over.

Over.

That's better.

I think I've got the hang of it, sir. Can I do it on my own?

We're not quite ready for that, Jones.

Oh, let me go solo, let me go solo sir.

Oh, very well.

Walker

This should be good.

[speaks through his tin] Hello, all stations. Charlie One. Hello, all stations. Charlie One. Report my signals, all stations. Charlie One. Over.

Walker

[off camera] Blimey.

That was very good, Jones.

Thank you, sir.

Excellent. You got that quite correct.

Thank you very much, sir. I bet they all thought I couldn't do that.

You did it beautiful.

Yeah, I'm not such a fool as I may think I am.

[tipsy] Here's to the health of the Archbishop of Canterbury.

[laughs] What's that got to do with it?

It's all the same thing. It's all religious, isn't it?

It's the wrong denomination.

Wrong denomi-...nomination?

Yes, it's RC. You wanted C of E.

Yes. Right. [raises his glass] Here's to the health...of the Duchess of York...who's a friend of Cardinal Puff-Puff-Puff-Puff!

You both went to public schools, didn't you?

You know, I can't help feeling, Sir, you've got a little bit of a chip on your shoulder about that.

There's no chip on my shoulder, Wilson. I'll tell you what there is on my shoulder, though: three pips, and don't you forget it.

I am making notes, Captain, and your name will go on the list; and when we win the war you will be brought to account.

You can write what you like; you're not going to win this war!

U-boat Captain

Oh yes, we are.

Oh no, you're not.

U-boat Captain

Oh yes, we are!

[Singing] Whistle while you work, Hitler is a twerp, he's half-barmy, so's his army, whistle while you work!

U-boat Captain

Your name will also go on the list! What is it?

Don't tell him Pike!

U-boat Captain

Pike!

U-boat Captain

Just to make sure, Captain, that your behaviour is correct, this old man will march in front of me [puts grenade down Jones' trousers with string attached to pin]. One false move from you...and I pull the string!

Oh...don't make any false moves Mr Mainwaring, and don't make any real ones either!

U-boat Captain

Seven seconds will be enough for me to get clear, but I don't think it is enough time for the old man to unbutton his tunic.

A terrible way to die!

[to the U-boat captain] You unspeakable swine!

Could I stand by and watch my wife being raped by a Nazi? Finally I said to myself, no I couldn't.

But you're not married.

I have a very vivid imagination.

No liquor is to be taken without my permission.

Hold on! That is undemocratic!

You, Frazer, will be in charge of all liquor permits.

I'm right behind you, Cap'n!