Jones quotes from Dad's Army

Is anybody there? Is anybody there? If you are not there, say so.

Don't be like that dad, there's a war on.

Oh, I wondered what the noise was.

You're supposed to keep a look out like soldiers, not talk like old women. You will be reported for slacking - what are your names?

Jones, sir.

Pike, sir.

Walker

Smith.

Walker.

Walker

Oh, thanks very much.

It's no good you try and give me falsies.

I was just going to give the order... just going to give the order... just going to give...

What's the matter, Corporal?

I think I'm going, sir. I hear angels' voices!

Those are not angels' voices; it's the choir in the office!

Well if that's what it's like to go, I like it, I like it!

Come on boys, show 'em [the platoon cock their guns and aim them upwards], enemy plane I said, just like you said Sir. Swing with the plane, boys, swing with the plane, aim just in front. And then I gave the order 'shoot'.

No, no not 'shoot'; FIRE!

VANDALS!

Shall we meet again at the same time, same place next week?

Thank goodness! I won't have to clean that thing for three weeks.

That is not the right attitude to adopt, Frazer. You should consider it an honour and a privilege to use this Lewis gun.

If it was a privilege, none of us would ever be getting a look in; you and the Sergeant would be doing it all the time.

That'll do. That'll do. The butterfly spring seems to be missing from here Frazer.

What? Oh aye. So it is. I must have left it in me workshop.

Your workshop?

Aye. I took the gun home to be cleaned.

Look. For a start you've got no right to take that gun off these premises. Most of all that gun is totally useless without its butterfly spring. If a Nazi Storm Trooper came rushing in through that door you could do nothing with that, but hit him with it.

Permission to speak sir. If Frazer were to hit him with it, it wouldn't half make his eyes water.

Now, you're not going over when I say "over". So let's do it in turns, shall we? All my file will say it first, and then Wilson's file say it after. Right, one, two, three. [Speaks through his can] Over.

Over.

Over.

Over.

That's better.

I think I've got the hang of it, sir. Can I do it on my own?

We're not quite ready for that, Jones.

Oh, let me go solo, let me go solo sir.

Oh, very well.

Walker

This should be good.

[speaks through his tin] Hello, all stations. Charlie One. Hello, all stations. Charlie One. Report my signals, all stations. Charlie One. Over.

Walker

[off camera] Blimey.

That was very good, Jones.

Thank you, sir.

Excellent. You got that quite correct.

Thank you very much, sir. I bet they all thought I couldn't do that.

You did it beautiful.

Yeah, I'm not such a fool as I may think I am.

Bitte, mein Herr! Oh, bitte, bitte! [Please, sir! Oh, please, please!]

It's no good trying to apologise.

Schnell! Schnell! [Quick! Quick!]

Never mind about the smell. That's got nothing to do with it.

U-boat Captain

Just to make sure, Captain, that your behaviour is correct, this old man will march in front of me [puts grenade down Jones' trousers with string attached to pin]. One false move from you...and I pull the string!

Oh...don't make any false moves Mr Mainwaring, and don't make any real ones either!

U-boat Captain

Seven seconds will be enough for me to get clear, but I don't think it is enough time for the old man to unbutton his tunic.

A terrible way to die!

[to the U-boat captain] You unspeakable swine!

Look at that, Wilson.

Yeah.

You shouldn't have it by rights! She would have given it to me if you hadn't shoved your oar in.

Magnificent, isn't it, Wilson?

Yes.

Look at that craftsmanship, eh? British throughout. Show me the French car that could match that.

Yeah, or a Yankee one.

As indeed you say, Pike, or a Yankee one.

I must say, it looks awfully good as a staff car.

I'll say it looks good. I'll bet there isn't another one like this in the whole of the British Isles.

Great Scott! What's that?

It's twins.

Look at that, Mr Frazer. They've got another one.

Aye. Typical Mainwaring. One on and one in the wash.

Where did you get that car, Wilson?

Outside the Town Hall with Angela's chauffeur.

Then where did that one come from, Jones?

Captain Mainwaring, I...

Yes?

I'm sorry to bother you, but the town clerk is on the telephone. He wants to speak to you rather urgently. It seems the Mayor has lost his Rolls-Royce.

Uncle Arthur?

Yes?

Do you think the Mayor's going to be cross with Mr. Mainwaring for putting dirty brown paint all over his Rolls-Royce?

We shouldn't do this, Sergeant Wilson.

Well, what are you going to have?

A pint.

Sir, Captain Mainwaring, sir. I've done it, sir. I've done it. Ninety-seven pints I've got, sir. I've done it, sir.

What are you talking about, Jones?

Frazer, come on, bring the Sergeant in.

Go on! Get in there. Go on, go. Right, left, right, left, halt! Salute the officer. Salute the... (Poke the sergeant with a stick)

'[Yells in Italian accent] What the for you stick me with the bayonet? I no make trouble. Me buddy-buddy, friend.

What's all this about?

Well, sir, I went down to the Italian prisoner of war POW camp and I saw the guard there, and I gave him a little bit of fillet steak, sir, and he let me bring 80 prisoners of wars out for donoring purposes, sir.

I object. That's not fair, that's enemy blood.

Of course it's fair. They started it.

Hey, what you calling me enemy for? I not enemy. I sit at home, mind my business. Trattoria Paisano. Very good food. I cook myself. Then they... Then they come to me, they say, "Hey you! You got to go, you got to go fight! You got to go bangy bang!" We is not to blame, Signor Capitano. It's the Signor Adolf Hitler, they is to blame.

Your government should be more careful about who it chooses for friends.

Friends? Oh, you can talk about friends. What about the Stalins?

That's enough of that.

[about lowering Mrs. Pike's rent] I'll do nothing of the sort. It's my property, and I'll charge what I want for it.

Oh, no you won't. I shall report you to the Chamber of Commerce, and they'll throw you out on your ear.

And, as a member of the Chamber of Commerce [taps the table], I second that.

And I third it.

[Amid much noise] You're not a shopkeeper, so shut up.

Hello, what are you lot doing here?

In case you'd forgotten, there's an invasion alert on.

Haven't you heard? It was a false alarm. We got the stand-down half an hour ago.

So Hitler won't be joining us tonight then?

No. It's just as well with you lot guarding us. [Laughs]

What does that mean?

Well, I mean, look at you. What good would you be against real soldiers? [Sniggers] Oh, dear. They'd walk straight through you. Goodnight. [He leaves the pier]

Here, he has no business to...

All right, all right. Don't take any notice of him, men. [Turns to Jones] Here's to your future health. [Clings mugs with Jones]

Yes, here's to you, Jonesy.

Here, Jonesy.

Good luck to you.

Mr Mainwaring?

Hmm?

Warden wasn't right, was he, when he said the Nazis would walk straight through us?

Of course he wasn't right.

Well, I know one thing. They're not walking straight through me.

Nor me. I'll be beside you, Jonesy.

We'll all be beside you, Jonesy. We'll stick together. You can rely on that. Anybody tries to take our homes or our freedom away from us, they'll find out what we can do. We'll fight, and we're not alone. There are thousands of us all over England.

And Scotland.

And Scotland. All over Great Britain, in fact. Men who'll stand together when their country needs them.

'Scuse me, sir, don't you think it might be a nice idea if we were to pay our tribute to them?

For once, Wilson, I agree with you. To Britain's Home Guard. [Raises his mug]

[to the camera] To Britain's Home Guard. [They drink their mugs of champagne]