[First lines. The episode opens in present-day Britain, this being 1968, and a group of people are sitting round a table as one man, Arthur Wilson, makes an introductory speech]
And so... And so, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce our guest of honour - one of Walmington-on-Sea's most distinguished citizens. A man of many parts. A banker, soldier, magistrate, alderman and secretary of the Rotary Club. A good fellow all round. Ladies and gentlemen, Alderman George Mainwaring!
[Everyone claps their hands as George Mainwaring stands up]
Mr Chairman, Mr Town Clerk, ladies and gentlemen. When I was first invited to be guest of honour tonight at the launching of Walmington-on-Sea's I'm Backing Britain Campaign, I accepted without hesitation. After all, I have always backed Britain.
I got into the habit of it in 1940, but then we ALL backed Britain.
It was the darkest hour in our history. The odds were absurdly against us, but, young and old, we stood there, defiant, determined to survive, to recover and, finally, to win.
News was desperate, but our spirits were always high.
I was just going to give the order... just going to give the order... just going to give...
What's the matter, Corporal?
I think I'm going, sir. I hear angels' voices!
Those are not angels' voices; it's the choir in the office!
Well if that's what it's like to go, I like it, I like it!
Come on boys, show 'em [the platoon cock their guns and aim them upwards], enemy plane I said, just like you said Sir. Swing with the plane, boys, swing with the plane, aim just in front. And then I gave the order 'shoot'.
No, no not 'shoot'; FIRE!
[BANG!]
[The platoon have instinctively followed the order and pulled the triggers on their guns, which were loaded, unknown to them. Pieces of debris rain down from the roof as the Vicar and Mr. Yeatman come rushing in]
Shall we meet again at the same time, same place next week?
[Having cleaned and returned a Lewis gun]
Thank goodness! I won't have to clean that thing for three weeks.
That is not the right attitude to adopt, Frazer. You should consider it an honour and a privilege to use this Lewis gun.
If it was a privilege, none of us would ever be getting a look in; you and the Sergeant would be doing it all the time.
That'll do. That'll do. The butterfly spring seems to be missing from here Frazer.
What? Oh aye. So it is. I must have left it in me workshop.
Aye. I took the gun home to be cleaned.
Look. For a start you've got no right to take that gun off these premises. Most of all that gun is totally useless without its butterfly spring. If a Nazi Storm Trooper came rushing in through that door you could do nothing with that, but hit him with it.
Permission to speak sir. If Frazer were to hit him with it, it wouldn't half make his eyes water.
[Watching Hodges' opening bowler walking to his mark]
It's when he comes to you, you want to worry. That ball leaves his hand at ninety five miles an hour. This guy would've been playing for England if the war hadn't started. ["The Bowler" is played by former England fast bowler Fred Trueman.]
[The Bowler runs in and Mainwaring is beaten for pace and knocked off his feet]
[Laughing] Enjoying yourself, Mainwaring?
He's not bowling at the stumps. He's bowling at me.
[Mainwaring has just received two phone calls informing him that Wilson has been made manager of the Eastgate branch and Wilson has been commissioned. Shortly afterwards the phone rings again]
Good Morning Mr. Mainwaring, Vicar here.
What are you going to tell me about Wilson; that he's been made Archbishop of Canterbury?
[Captain Mainwaring has gone into the Vicar's office to have a word with Mr Hodges]
No, you look here, Mainwaring. My headquarters has been put out of action and I have official permission to use these premises here.
See for yourself. [Opens a piece of paper] There you are. [Passes the paper onto Mainwaring] Now I'm, I'm a reasonable sort of man. I know you and I've had our differences in the past, but we are both on the same side and I want to be generous. I don't want to, er, well, I don't want to er, you know, be stand-offish and uh, I'm prepared to go shares with you. So I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Now, this half here with your chair, you can have. This half here is me. Right? Draw a line here like this. Got it? [Uses some chalk to draw a line] Here we are, down the wall.
Just a moment. What are you doing?
Now now, Mainwaring, when it comes to the desk, you keep your stuff over there, and I'll keep my stuff over here, alright? [Draws a chalk line on the desk]
How dare you mark my desk? [Rubs the chalk line off the desk using a cloth]
I'm only trying to fair and reasonable.
Then I shall chalk in again. I can chalk quicker than you can rub, mate.
[Inside the church hall, Captain Mainwaring and his men are continuing their lecture with tin cans and pieces of string]
Now, you're not going over when I say "over". So let's do it in turns, shall we? All my file will say it first, and then Wilson's file say it after. Right, one, two, three. [Speaks through his can] Over.
MOMen on Wilson's side
Over.
MOMen on Mainwaring's side
Over.
MOMen on Wilson's side
Over.
I think I've got the hang of it, sir. Can I do it on my own?
We're not quite ready for that, Jones.
Oh, let me go solo, let me go solo sir.
[speaks through his tin] Hello, all stations. Charlie One. Hello, all stations. Charlie One. Report my signals, all stations. Charlie One. Over.
That was very good, Jones.
Excellent. You got that quite correct.
Thank you very much, sir. I bet they all thought I couldn't do that.
Yeah, I'm not such a fool as I may think I am.
[after talking (for a considerable time) about how he had seen a curse]
DEATH! THE RUBY WILL BRING YE DEATH! DE-E-ATH!
Did the curse come true, Mr. Frazer?
Aye son it did, he died....last year, he was 86.
Drinking game in the officers' mess: being made a Cardinal
[tipsy] Here's to the health of the Archbishop of Canterbury.
SSquare
[laughs] What's that got to do with it?
It's all the same thing. It's all religious, isn't it?
SSquare
It's the wrong denomination.
Wrong denomi-...nomination?
SSquare
Yes, it's RC. You wanted C of E.
Yes. Right. [raises his glass] Here's to the health...of the Duchess of York...who's a friend of Cardinal Puff-Puff-Puff-Puff!
You both went to public schools, didn't you?
You know, I can't help feeling, Sir, you've got a little bit of a chip on your shoulder about that.
There's no chip on my shoulder, Wilson. I'll tell you what there is on my shoulder, though: three pips, and don't you forget it.
