Hodges quotes from Dad's Army

Where is he going?

It's when he comes to you, you want to worry. That ball leaves his hand at ninety five miles an hour. This guy would've been playing for England if the war hadn't started. ["The Bowler" is played by former England fast bowler Fred Trueman.]

What?

I'm gonna enjoy this.

[Laughing] Enjoying yourself, Mainwaring?

He's not bowling at the stumps. He's bowling at me.

Now look here, Hodges.

No, you look here, Mainwaring. My headquarters has been put out of action and I have official permission to use these premises here.

On whose authority?

See for yourself. [Opens a piece of paper] There you are. [Passes the paper onto Mainwaring] Now I'm, I'm a reasonable sort of man. I know you and I've had our differences in the past, but we are both on the same side and I want to be generous. I don't want to, er, well, I don't want to er, you know, be stand-offish and uh, I'm prepared to go shares with you. So I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Now, this half here with your chair, you can have. This half here is me. Right? Draw a line here like this. Got it? [Uses some chalk to draw a line] Here we are, down the wall.

Just a moment. What are you doing?

Now now, Mainwaring, when it comes to the desk, you keep your stuff over there, and I'll keep my stuff over here, alright? [Draws a chalk line on the desk]

How dare you mark my desk? [Rubs the chalk line off the desk using a cloth]

I'm only trying to fair and reasonable.

Rub this out at once.

Then I shall chalk in again. I can chalk quicker than you can rub, mate.

Look at that, Wilson.

Yeah.

You shouldn't have it by rights! She would have given it to me if you hadn't shoved your oar in.

Magnificent, isn't it, Wilson?

Yes.

Look at that craftsmanship, eh? British throughout. Show me the French car that could match that.

Yeah, or a Yankee one.

As indeed you say, Pike, or a Yankee one.

I must say, it looks awfully good as a staff car.

I'll say it looks good. I'll bet there isn't another one like this in the whole of the British Isles.

Great Scott! What's that?

It's twins.

Look at that, Mr Frazer. They've got another one.

Aye. Typical Mainwaring. One on and one in the wash.

Where did you get that car, Wilson?

Outside the Town Hall with Angela's chauffeur.

Then where did that one come from, Jones?

Captain Mainwaring, I...

Yes?

I'm sorry to bother you, but the town clerk is on the telephone. He wants to speak to you rather urgently. It seems the Mayor has lost his Rolls-Royce.

Uncle Arthur?

Yes?

Do you think the Mayor's going to be cross with Mr. Mainwaring for putting dirty brown paint all over his Rolls-Royce?

Sir, Captain Mainwaring, sir. I've done it, sir. I've done it. Ninety-seven pints I've got, sir. I've done it, sir.

What are you talking about, Jones?

Frazer, come on, bring the Sergeant in.

Go on! Get in there. Go on, go. Right, left, right, left, halt! Salute the officer. Salute the... (Poke the sergeant with a stick)

'[Yells in Italian accent] What the for you stick me with the bayonet? I no make trouble. Me buddy-buddy, friend.

What's all this about?

Well, sir, I went down to the Italian prisoner of war POW camp and I saw the guard there, and I gave him a little bit of fillet steak, sir, and he let me bring 80 prisoners of wars out for donoring purposes, sir.

I object. That's not fair, that's enemy blood.

Of course it's fair. They started it.

Hey, what you calling me enemy for? I not enemy. I sit at home, mind my business. Trattoria Paisano. Very good food. I cook myself. Then they... Then they come to me, they say, "Hey you! You got to go, you got to go fight! You got to go bangy bang!" We is not to blame, Signor Capitano. It's the Signor Adolf Hitler, they is to blame.

Your government should be more careful about who it chooses for friends.

Friends? Oh, you can talk about friends. What about the Stalins?

That's enough of that.

[about lowering Mrs. Pike's rent] I'll do nothing of the sort. It's my property, and I'll charge what I want for it.

Oh, no you won't. I shall report you to the Chamber of Commerce, and they'll throw you out on your ear.

And, as a member of the Chamber of Commerce [taps the table], I second that.

And I third it.

[Amid much noise] You're not a shopkeeper, so shut up.

Hello, what are you lot doing here?

In case you'd forgotten, there's an invasion alert on.

Haven't you heard? It was a false alarm. We got the stand-down half an hour ago.

So Hitler won't be joining us tonight then?

No. It's just as well with you lot guarding us. [Laughs]

What does that mean?

Well, I mean, look at you. What good would you be against real soldiers? [Sniggers] Oh, dear. They'd walk straight through you. Goodnight. [He leaves the pier]

Here, he has no business to...

All right, all right. Don't take any notice of him, men. [Turns to Jones] Here's to your future health. [Clings mugs with Jones]

Yes, here's to you, Jonesy.

Here, Jonesy.

Good luck to you.

Mr Mainwaring?

Hmm?

Warden wasn't right, was he, when he said the Nazis would walk straight through us?

Of course he wasn't right.

Well, I know one thing. They're not walking straight through me.

Nor me. I'll be beside you, Jonesy.

We'll all be beside you, Jonesy. We'll stick together. You can rely on that. Anybody tries to take our homes or our freedom away from us, they'll find out what we can do. We'll fight, and we're not alone. There are thousands of us all over England.

And Scotland.

And Scotland. All over Great Britain, in fact. Men who'll stand together when their country needs them.

'Scuse me, sir, don't you think it might be a nice idea if we were to pay our tribute to them?

For once, Wilson, I agree with you. To Britain's Home Guard. [Raises his mug]

[to the camera] To Britain's Home Guard. [They drink their mugs of champagne]