Mainwaring quotes from Dad's Army

Would you like to hear the story of the old, empty barn?

Um. Yes, yes, ehh yes, it might put us in a good mood before we go to sleep. Pay attention everybody. Private Frazer is going to tell us the story of the old empty barn. Carry on Frazer.

Right. The story of the old, empty barn. Well. There was nothing in it.

He couldn't move swiftly across country stark naked.

Uncle Arthur, Captain Mainwaring's just gone past with a monkey on his back.

Look at that, Wilson.

Yeah.

You shouldn't have it by rights! She would have given it to me if you hadn't shoved your oar in.

Magnificent, isn't it, Wilson?

Yes.

Look at that craftsmanship, eh? British throughout. Show me the French car that could match that.

Yeah, or a Yankee one.

As indeed you say, Pike, or a Yankee one.

I must say, it looks awfully good as a staff car.

I'll say it looks good. I'll bet there isn't another one like this in the whole of the British Isles.

Great Scott! What's that?

It's twins.

Look at that, Mr Frazer. They've got another one.

Aye. Typical Mainwaring. One on and one in the wash.

Where did you get that car, Wilson?

Outside the Town Hall with Angela's chauffeur.

Then where did that one come from, Jones?

Captain Mainwaring, I...

Yes?

I'm sorry to bother you, but the town clerk is on the telephone. He wants to speak to you rather urgently. It seems the Mayor has lost his Rolls-Royce.

Uncle Arthur?

Yes?

Do you think the Mayor's going to be cross with Mr. Mainwaring for putting dirty brown paint all over his Rolls-Royce?

This really is most awkward, isn't it, Wilson?

I really do feel very deeply for you.

Look, couldn't you help us out?

I'm terribly sorry.

You must realise how embarrassing a situation this is for me.

Well, can't you and Frank go round again?

I think Mum wanted to come, but she's ever so upset at losing me. I'm all she's got, you know. That's why she was a bit off with Uncle Arthur when he asked her.

Oh, you did ask, then?

Yes.

At breakfast.

Frank.

I think she was going to say yes, that is until Uncle Arthur mentioned that there was a sort of burnt taste about the... that porridge, so she picked up the pan and poured it in his Homburg hat. They haven't spoken since.

You take my advice. Whomever you marry, take a very firm stand with your wife from the outset.

Start as you mean to go on, eh?

That's right.

I'll remember that.

Good lad.

Mrs Mainwaring coming? I said is Mrs Mainwaring coming? [Pike pulls a silly face]

Y'know, you're going to have to do something about that habit of yours.

What habit?

This. [Pulls a silly face like Pike]

What? [Mainwaring pulls the silly face again] Do I do that?

Almost at the end of every sentence you go... [Pulls the silly face]

Oh, how awful. Oh, thank you for telling me, Mr. Mainwaring. [Pulls the silly face]

Sir, Captain Mainwaring, sir. I've done it, sir. I've done it. Ninety-seven pints I've got, sir. I've done it, sir.

What are you talking about, Jones?

Frazer, come on, bring the Sergeant in.

Go on! Get in there. Go on, go. Right, left, right, left, halt! Salute the officer. Salute the... (Poke the sergeant with a stick)

'[Yells in Italian accent] What the for you stick me with the bayonet? I no make trouble. Me buddy-buddy, friend.

What's all this about?

Well, sir, I went down to the Italian prisoner of war POW camp and I saw the guard there, and I gave him a little bit of fillet steak, sir, and he let me bring 80 prisoners of wars out for donoring purposes, sir.

I object. That's not fair, that's enemy blood.

Of course it's fair. They started it.

Hey, what you calling me enemy for? I not enemy. I sit at home, mind my business. Trattoria Paisano. Very good food. I cook myself. Then they... Then they come to me, they say, "Hey you! You got to go, you got to go fight! You got to go bangy bang!" We is not to blame, Signor Capitano. It's the Signor Adolf Hitler, they is to blame.

Your government should be more careful about who it chooses for friends.

Friends? Oh, you can talk about friends. What about the Stalins?

That's enough of that.

I don't think Frazer suspected I was referring particulary to him, do you?

Oh no sir. No, not at all, no. But I must say when you said the word "gold", I did just notice that he jumped every so slightly out of his skin.

Well, I'm quite sure he had no inkling that I really knew.

Oh, no sir. No, no, no. Not at all, no.

Come in... Yes Frazer.

Captain Mainwaring, there's just one thing I want to say to you. If you think you are going to get your hands on my gold, you can think again. I don't trust banks, I don't trust bankers and I don't trust you. That's all I want to say. Thank you.

It's a brick! It's a damn brick.

Aye! It's a brick! And yon vicar can have it for the fabric of his kirk. [he gestures to himself] I'm hangin' onto my money. You're not gonna put your hands on it at all. [as he leaves] You're not gonna have my gold. You're not gonna have my gold.

Hello, what are you lot doing here?

In case you'd forgotten, there's an invasion alert on.

Haven't you heard? It was a false alarm. We got the stand-down half an hour ago.

So Hitler won't be joining us tonight then?

No. It's just as well with you lot guarding us. [Laughs]

What does that mean?

Well, I mean, look at you. What good would you be against real soldiers? [Sniggers] Oh, dear. They'd walk straight through you. Goodnight. [He leaves the pier]

Here, he has no business to...

All right, all right. Don't take any notice of him, men. [Turns to Jones] Here's to your future health. [Clings mugs with Jones]

Yes, here's to you, Jonesy.

Here, Jonesy.

Good luck to you.

Mr Mainwaring?

Hmm?

Warden wasn't right, was he, when he said the Nazis would walk straight through us?

Of course he wasn't right.

Well, I know one thing. They're not walking straight through me.

Nor me. I'll be beside you, Jonesy.

We'll all be beside you, Jonesy. We'll stick together. You can rely on that. Anybody tries to take our homes or our freedom away from us, they'll find out what we can do. We'll fight, and we're not alone. There are thousands of us all over England.

And Scotland.

And Scotland. All over Great Britain, in fact. Men who'll stand together when their country needs them.

'Scuse me, sir, don't you think it might be a nice idea if we were to pay our tribute to them?

For once, Wilson, I agree with you. To Britain's Home Guard. [Raises his mug]

[to the camera] To Britain's Home Guard. [They drink their mugs of champagne]