Sid Hammerback quotes from CSI: NY

Dr. Sid Hammerback

There were these two vivacious young ladies - course I was much younger than I am now...

Dr. Sheldon Hawkes

Sid, I gotta go. I gotta go

Sid

The only thing I did find was unique scarring and callouses on both of her hands. They appear old, difficult to tell where she got them.

Lindsay

Rawhide braiding.

Sid Hammerback

I'm sorry.

Lindsay

Weaving together untanned hides to make reins for horses, lassos. to herd cattle (Shows Sid her hands with the same callouses) The friction and the pressure of the leather cuts you up pretty good, my dad taught me when I was ten. (Sees Sid's facial expression) Do you think Danny calls me Montana because I'm a 49ers fan?

Sid Hammerback

He calls you that because he's got a crush on you.

Hammerback

Did you know that, when Egyptian Princesses died, they were not embalmed for several days to prevent necrophilia. The natural degradation of the body made it unappealing even to the most deviant of men. Why someone would want to have sex with a lifeless body in the first place...

Hawkes

Sid?

Hammerback

I mean it's counterintuitive...

Hawkes

Sid? Sid!

Hammerback

What?

Hawkes

You're going to that creepy place again.

Sid Hammerback

This is one of the most well-preserved mummies I've seen in my many years as a pathologist. The environmental conditions of temperature and humidity and ventilation must have been just optimum. I can only compare it to the best sex you've ever had, reaching climax at precisely that…

Peyton Driscoll

All right, Sid, you can help.

Dr. Sid Hammerback

[Sid and Peyton are flipping a coin to see who gets to do the autopsy on Pauline Rayburn. Peyton wins] It's heads. She's yours. Can--can I at least watch? This is one of the most well-preserved mummies I've seen in my many years as a pathologist. The environmental conditions of temperature and humidity and ventalation must have been just, you know, optimum. You can only compare it to the best sex you've ever had, reaching climax at precisely that--that...

Dr. Peyton Driscoll

[Interrupting] All right, Sid, you can help. But I get to print her.

Dr. Sid Hammerback

Fair enough.

Sid

Tonya Nettles was stone-cold sober.

Danny Messer

Aren't most people when they're at work?

Sid

I'll ignore the implication of the question, detective.

Sid

(during the autopsy) Cause of death was not natural, he was in superb shape, lungs, heart, all the vital organs are near perfect.

Mac

So you're saying... he's actually still alive?

Sid

Just my opinion, but cyanide seems a lot simpler way to kill someone.

Mac

Murder's never simple doctor.

Dr. Sid Hammerback

Mac, been meaning to ask. I'd like you to consider coming to our house for Thanksgiving this year. My daughter's coming in, cousins from Philly. We do a really nice job. I use a Collins scalpel to carve the bird, it gets the meat paper-thin.

Detective Mac Taylor

I appreciate the offer, Sid.

Dr. Sid Hammerback

Now you can't spend the holidays alone again. I'll drag you if I have to.

Detective Mac Taylor

You're gonna have to add some meat to that skinny frame of yours if you're gonna be making threats, and I was about to say I do have plans this year, thank you.

Dr. Sid Hammerback

[pause] Oh. I'm intrigued.

Detective Stella Bonasera

Are we looking at a hate crime here?

Dr. Sid Hammerback

Transgendered showgirl drowned in a public toilet - sound like love to you?

Detective Mac Taylor

Absynthe spoon, a branding, a brutal beat down.

Dr. Sid Hammerback

I'll take Cult Rituals for two-hundred.

Detective Mac Taylor

I don't think so. Kid doesn't look the part. We have reason to believe he went to Chelsea University. [pause] What is a fraternity hazing gone bad?

Sid

(walking into the lab with Stella) Our vic's body couldn't help but remind me of my Great-Uncle Andy.

Stella

Oh, hearing that is enough to make any model break into tears.

Sid

(chuckling) Oh, no, there's no physical resemblance, although he was in freakishly superior shape for an octogenarian. But no, what I mean is Uncle Andy would never finish telling a story. Every time you thought he was done, he'd find something more to say.

Sid

(scratching at his arms and shoulders during the post) All right, then, ladies, unless there's something else?

Stella

There is one more thing, Sid. Mucuna pruriens. In India, they're also known as velvet-bean, cow-itch, but here in the United States, we usually call it itching powder. (hands him the evidence bag with a packet as Lindsay starts laughing)

Sid

Oh, no, oh, no...

Stella

It looks like he stuck it in his pocket, and after the blast, it wound up dispersed on his clothes.

Sid

(looking between the two women) Why aren't you...

Stella

A long-sleeved lab coat. Both stylish and functional.

Sid

Exploding cigars, insect ice-cubes, itching powder... what kind of a clown are we after?

Sid

(about their burn victim) Face with no name is simply a face. And your victim's helmet preserved his quite well, but it hasn't helped me make an I.D. Yet.

Danny

To think I ever opposed the helmet law.

Sid

Well, not so fast. That skull bucket also contributed to what killed him.

Danny

You mean, it wasn't the fact that he was on fire with a high speed impact with a fire truck?

Sid

Imagine your victim catches fire. A helmet starts to fill up with toxic fumes. He panics, struggling to get it off, which only increases the rate of smoke inhalation. Result was direct toxicity to the cardiac muscle.

Mac

C.O.D. was smoke inhalation.

Sid

And death was near instantaneous.

Danny

What about the stab wounds?

Sid

Turned out to be minor injuries inflicted with a meat thermometer.

Danny

Whoa. Wha'? A meat thermometer? Who stabs somebody with a meat thermometer?

Sid

Cannibal? It's anyone's guess. Severity of charring was significantly greater above his ankles than below...And based on the degree of trauma to the bones, I'd say your human comet's rate of speed was at least 80 mph at the time of impact.

Danny

80?! What was he doing to be moving that fast?

Sid

Now keep in mind that I'm simply a pathologist, but the injuries to this victim, well frankly, they appear consistent....with him re-entering the Earth's atmosphere. Now until you come up with some evidence that says otherwise, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Detective Danny Messer

[about the murder weapon] Meat thermometer? Who stabs somebody with a meat thermometer?

Dr. Sid Hammerback

Cannibal?