Danny Messer quotes from CSI: NY

Sheldon Hawkes

What about the trace I collected from her arm?

Lindsay Monroe

Latex. More specifically, condom spray.

Danny Messer

(Amused) 'Scuse me? What? I didn't catch that.

Lindsay Monroe

Liquid rubber (Holds the spray can, smiling) German engineering at its finest.

Sheldon Hawkes

I'm not sure I understand.

Lindsay Monroe

Well, allow me to demonstrate (Grabs a big test-tube) Contrary to what you might have heard, science definitely does matter (Starts spraying the content of the can on the test-tube) Simply, apply like so. Allow a few moments for maximum drying time and... Boom! Instant condom. (Hands test tube to Danny)

Sheldon Hawkes

Are you serious? A spray-on condom?

Danny Messer

What... Where does the... The... (Points at the top of the test-tube) Now how... Never mind.

I lost that music box about a year ago.

Danny

Are you kidding me? You can't come up with a better lie than that?

I move a lot, four different places in the past year. I've given up junk, throw things away.

Stella

You specifically requested that the music box played Mozart's first menuet. It seems strange that something with that kind of sentimental value would be thrown away.

Yeah well, I cried for three days when I realized it was gone.

Danny

You're killing me right now.

Danny

So is it true what they say?

Hawkes

What's that?

Danny

Did your life pass right before your eyes?

Hawkes

I could only think of one thing the whole time I was down there.

Danny

What? Was it your first kiss?

Hawkes

(holding his ribs) Don't make me laugh.

Danny

What?

Hawkes

Sid Hammerback. I was in his lab, lying on an autopsy table. Sid was standing over me, firing up the bone spreader.

Danny

That's morbid.

What happened down there? I got a call from Dispatch saying there was some kind of problem. I got here as fast as I could.

Danny

Some methane bubbles caused an explosion. Hawkes got caught underneath the ship's mast.

Some guys would do anything for an early retirement.

Our vic's this way. Floater, showed up in the middle of the sailboat race between New York and New Jersey.

Danny

I read about that. It's a reenactment of a race that happened back in the 1600s.

Mac

Yeah. Legend has it the winner got possession of Staten Island

Is it too late to give it back?

Danny

Yeah, very funny, Flack!

Danny

(as he gears up to go into the water) A graveyard for subways? What happened, they run out of landfill or what?

Mac

(laughs a little) Cheaper to sink ‘em then scrap ‘em.

Sheldon

And the subway reefs provide a marine life sanctuary.

Danny

Yeah, well screw the fish. Hope it provides us with a crime scene.

Mac

Holden surfaced right here in the harbor. We're here. Subway reef is right under us. And we're gonna focus on the old Redbird transit cars. They're the ones that contain asbestos. It's dark down there. We got tidal currents, rocks and reefs to deal with.

Danny

Let's look on the bright side. We're not gonna worry about sharks.

Danny Messer

Montana, hold up.

Lindsay Monroe

What's up?

Danny Messer

(on phone) Yeah, I got her. (to Lindsay) Evidence is coming in on the James Stanton murder, and we have a date with it.

Lindsay Monroe

We got the car?

Danny Messer

You make the coffee. I'll go get the Batmobile

Danny Messer

Speed Racer's Mach 5 does not come close to the Batmobile. End of story.

Lindsay Monroe

Are you kidding me? The Mach-5 had submersible capabilitites and a robotic homing pigeon.

Danny Messer

Yeah, so did the Batmobile. Along with rocket boosters and armor plating.

Lindsay Monroe

Mach-5: Rotary saw.

Danny Messer

All right, Montana. Did Speed Racer's Mach-5 have a field forensics kit?

Lindsay Monroe

The Batmobile did not have a field forensics kit.

Danny Messer

In the Batmobile's trunk, it did.

Lindsay Monroe

That explains so much.

Danny Messer

(laughing) Oh, how is the new girlfriend?

Keep walking, Messer.

Danny Messer

No, seriously, where did you meet her?

Met her at a charity event. Police/fire hockey game.

Danny Messer

So she's got teeth, or...?

Move!

Can I have your number?

Det. Jessica Angell

Why, are you in trouble?

No, but I'd like to be.

Danny

So did you give him your number?

Stella

(about the evidence) Turns out it's an experimental sexual enhancement drug, only available in clinical trials.

Danny

Don't look at me, I don't need it.

Stella

You're too old anyway. It's currently being tested on students at Chelsea University's health center.

Danny

Argh, it's like throwing gas on a raging hormonal fire.

Stella

[Laughs] Well, Detective Angell just got me a court order to pull all the patient files and talk to the students directly. I'm hoping that this will give us an I.D. on the perp.

Danny

Fantastic. We got horny college kids and horny mammals. You wanna trade?

Stella

Mammals?

Danny

Prehistoric, to be exact.

Danny Messer

You're the one that killed that family, not the Devil.

You're wrong. The Devil did kill them. And he came to me the night my sister died. I just didn't know enough not to let him in.

(about the crime scene) This one's gonna be covered differently.

Danny

Why is that?

Thirty-one years ago the former owner, Bill Willens shot himself in this house. Two days later, his daughter disappeared. Bill's wife, Betty, claims her husband was hearing voices. He told people the house was possessed by evil spirits.

Lindsay

Just like The Amityville Horror.

All I know is the folks inside this house were good people. For Gil Duncan to shoot his family, commit suicide... there's gotta be an explanation other than ghosts made him do it.

Lindsay

Definitely, could have gone through the love handles. (smiles and pinches his stomach)

Danny

That's too low, wise-ass.