TV show quotes
Vegetables for a mullet?
Nearly done, Chef.
Nearly?
Well, a moment or two.
Now is when they are needed. The fish is peaking, there is no nearly. You must peak together. Has your wife never mentioned this to you?
We're almost there, Chef.
BIN!!! What is to most important element of cooking?
Ingredients.
TIMING! Ingredients was the most important element this morning.
You're a pea-brained, prat-faced, talentless, pillock-headed cretin, what are you?
I'm a pea-brained...
If you took an intensive course of intelligence injections and studied till you drop, then one day you might make it to moron third class failed. Give me strength! I don't want to shout at you.
No, Chef
I want to batter you with a hard and jagged kitchen implement! I'm only restrained by the ludicrous liberal pinko laws that we've got in this country!
Yes, Chef.
In a sanely ordered, civilised society anyone found making runny mayonnaise would be tortured to death slowly in front of a warm applauding audience! Egg yolk, mustard, rescue it drop by drop!
Piers can cook in his sleep, you know. It's amazing. How do I know? Cos I've never seen him do it awake!
(on the phone) I'm 62. I came to it late in life because of all the time I spent as a mercenary in Angola. Well, I'm sorry. I'm just bored of being asked my age by tabloid journalists who can't count to two unless they have a topless model in front of them.
Do you know, I was thinking the other day about how kitchens used to be in olden times. Little things we used to do back that we've all but forgotten about since, like, for example, how we used to clean them from time to time. Piers! You see, this is my explanation for why the surfaces in this kitchen are so low: it's the foot or two of crap we've accumulated underfoot, making us seem that much taller. Piers, dear heart, you've found a brush! How wonderful. Haven't seen one of those since I was a small boy. Where did you get it? The Science Museum? Go carefully, Piers; there may be a Roman Mosaic hidden underneath.
No! What is that?
This is hollandaise sauce, Chef.
What for?
For this Dover sole.
No, no, no, Everton! A little herb butter. What is the essence of cooking?
Ingredients? Timing? Cleanliness?
Restraint. This Dover sole needs that hollandaise sauce like the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel needs a coat of brilliant white emulsion.
Gareth's father has made an unwelcome return
Those things he said about you when you came top at school when you were nine.
Yes. (Jamaican Accent) "Have to move de boy to a better school. The other children must be as thick as pig shit." (normal) Then when I won the sprint: (Jamaican) "Well, he gets so much practice running away from an honest days work!
While preparing his famous dumplings, Everton requests that his colleagues look away
Everton, let's get a couple of things straight. I am Chef de Cuisine, this is my kitchen.
Of course.
You have learned all my recipes.
Well...
Recipes which have won this place two Michelin stars. Recipes which will remain your faithful standbys all your cooking career.
I know...
And I'm not allowed to learn (Jamaican accent) Uncle Ivan's secret to his dumpling?
He made me promise on my honour sort of thing.
Everton, I am not going to turn my back in my own kitchen!
How's it going?
(smiles) Everton's making some wonderful things.
Good!
His dumplings are a dream, his Guinness Punch is to die for. (expression breaks) It's hell. Hell! He's such an insufferably cocky little smarty-pants I want to smack him in the gob! I hate him. I wish I'd never heard of Caribbean food.
Then don't do it.
I must! My father is bringing his latest floozy, Dorothy, on this special night. She loves West Indian food. We will serve the finest the world has ever known. He won't be able to slag it off because she will be in ecstasies with every mouthful and he'll have to admit it's the best he's ever had. Te-he. Stubborn little git!
This is personal. I want to be rude, I'm hoping to cause offence! I have a life long abhorrence to violence inflicted on women, but I am giving urgent consideration to an exception in your case.
[shocked] Mr Blackstock!
I have just seen your bill! It is for the sort of money which rarely changes hands without the aid of a gun, and a getaway car! There are names at Lloyds, sitting alone in darkened rooms with loaded revolvers who owe less than this! It's a disgrace! You're charging me so much money you can afford to eat in my restaurant! I don't know why you don't just take up drug trafficking and have done.
Now look...
It would mean a sharp drop in your income, granted.
Chef, you've never complained before?
This isn't a bill. This is grievous bodily invoicing! I trusted you, Mrs Courtney. "Bring me the best," I said, "and I will pay you what is fair!"
Well, yes.
And you betrayed my trust. And you have done that which I dread most in all the world.
What's that?
You have proved my wife right!
Get me a large knife, sharp like a razor. I have to castrate the person who made this sauce and I want to avoid any unnecessary suffering. It is imperative that the author of this atrocity is not allowed to breed any more.
No need to worry about the health inspector coming into the kitchen, the shock would kill him on the spot. And the bacteria under Everton's section would consume him in seconds.
God, I love fishing. Well, obviously, what I actually love is holding a rod while standing in ice water up to my goolies. That must be the appeal, 'cause I never see a fish, never mind catch one.
Her legs go all the way to the top. I reckon I could force myself.
Alphonse!
Oui, Chef.
Oh. Encore deux bouteilles de Burgundy, s'il vous plait.
But you have had these bottles already.
Oi oi oi! Never mind what I have had or haven't had. Fetch us up a couple of bottles tout de suite.
But Monsieur, Chef said...
"Chef?" Chef? I'm "Chef!" Quand Monsieur de Blackstock est away. Je am Chef. And make it four bottles.
Uh...
Come on, sunshine. Sûr votre bicyclette, eh? Quatre bouteilles maintenant. Not le jour après next.
Oui, Chef.
Vive la France. He understands every word I say.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Chef! pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
