Get me a large knife, sharp like a razor. I have to castrate the person who made this sauce and I want to avoid any unnecessary suffering. It is imperative that the author of this atrocity is not allowed to breed any more.
S2 E1A River Runs Through It
No need to worry about the health inspector coming into the kitchen, the shock would kill him on the spot. And the bacteria under Everton's section would consume him in seconds.
God, I love fishing. Well, obviously, what I actually love is holding a rod while standing in ice water up to my goolies. That must be the appeal, 'cause I never see a fish, never mind catch one.
GLGustave LaRoche
Her legs go all the way to the top. I reckon I could force myself.
GGustave
Alphonse!
AAlphonse
Oui, Chef.
GGustave
Oh. Encore deux bouteilles de Burgundy, s'il vous plait.
AAlphonse
But you have had these bottles already.
GGustave
Oi oi oi! Never mind what I have had or haven't had. Fetch us up a couple of bottles tout de suite.
AAlphonse
But Monsieur, Chef said...
GGustave
"Chef?" Chef? I'm "Chef!" Quand Monsieur de Blackstock est away. Je am Chef. And make it four bottles.
AAlphonse
Uh...
GGustave
Come on, sunshine. Sûr votre bicyclette, eh? Quatre bouteilles maintenant. Not le jour après next.
AAlphonse
Oui, Chef.
GGustave
Vive la France. He understands every word I say.
S2 E2Time Flies
(to Gareth) This child of yours, it's going to be the male version of the immaculate birth, is it?
S2 E3Do the Right Thing
The partridge I want is one which has eaten wild food and lived a wild life, has struggled, hoped and dreamed, has sown wild oats, has tasted the bitter disappointment of middle age, and knows what it is to eyeball The Grim Reaper in the watches of the night; the partridge sunk in the veil of years, with all the flavours of its rich eventful life captured in its texture, its juice, its very flesh. I do not want this callow, milk-fed, adolescent, uncouth, undeveloped wodge of protein. I don't believe in eating virgins! This partridge.
Yeah, that's right, Chef.
This partridge on the other hand.
Got its leg well over, I shouldn't wonder.
Out?
Yes, out. You remember out. You go through this door, the temperature drops suddenly and the scenery changes.
HIHealth Inspector
You have a cracked tile on your wall, Mr Blackstock. It was there last month.
A cracked tile?
IInspector
Just above the skirting board.
Should I evacuate the building?
IInspector
Just have it replaced by next time.
Just tell me how is a cracked tile going to wipe out my clientèle?
IInspector
Bacteria collects in the cracks. Food may come into contact with it.
Ah, but bacteria may collect in the grout, all over the kitchen. They've got us surrounded, these bacteria.
IInspector
That's so, Mr Blackstock. Which is why, as from next year, it will no longer be acceptable.
What...?
IInspector
As from next year...
You don't mean they're going to outlaw grouting?!
IInspector
Exactly. Continuous impervious surfacing will be mandatory.
Well that's it isn't it, really? I mean that's the bottom line. That's what you people want, all over the planet: continuous impervious surfacing. Only trouble is, if it ever did break, health inspectors would collect in the cracks!
WWWinky Waterman
Gareth Henry Blackstock?
I am indeed, and I'm in the middle of service. So, if you don't vacate my kitchen immediately, I'll serve some warm cheese on a wooden chopping board and you won't see the morning.
WWWinky Waterman
Gareth Henry Blackstock...
I'll set my cracked tile loose on you!
WWWinky Waterman
My name is...
Problems with the hearing, eh? There's the door. You: walk through it, closey-closey after you. Otherwise, blood everywhere. Even in the grouting. Grieving relatives. Orphaned children. Long court case. Acquittal due to extreme provocation. Compensatory award to me from public funds. Bad business all round. Nuf said? And if you have any further business with me, I'll see you in an hour or so. Goodbye.
Once this gadget is in the salmon, they can track it to study fish migration. I mean they can follow salmon now from a helicopter. They have made many remarkable discoveries, but even so they were very surprised when they detected a mature salmon travelling at 58 miles an hour down the A40. I think it was then that they perhaps thought something other than fish hormones might be at work.
S2 E4A Diploma of Miseries
Now, about the poultry...
Screw the poultry, Gareth!
We live in a small community, Janice. People would talk.
(to Everton) I pay you what you're worth. How could you possibly afford a flat?
S2 E5Masterchef
PPoliceman
I've applied to be on Masterchef. I even met Loyd Grossman once.
Well, don't worry; we won't tell anyone.
He dies. Everton Stonehead RIP.
Now, Gareth...
Look at that! It's not a person; it's a smirk on legs. He's unbearable! Two years of being a useless pain in the arse in my kitchen and now this.
Now, Gareth...
And listen to this: "I do feel the restraints of not having my own kitchen and having to conform to a dated and restricted cuisine!"
Now, Gareth, don't sack him straight away.
I'm not going to sack him straight away. I'm going to kill him straight away. Slowly and wickedly, revealing a hitherto unsuspected vicious strain of sadism in my psychological make-up.
Unsuspected?
Then I'll sack him, appending his P45 to his mutilated remains as a compassionate gesture, so only his nearest and dearest can identify him.
[Janice and Gareth are in the dining room after tricking Everton into running service hoping it will teach him a lesson]
What a disaster.
I know.
In my own restaurant. This is all your fault.
That's right blame me.
Well I do blame you. Give him a little rope you said, now look what's happened.
I know!
Everything absolutely...perfect!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Chef! pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.