“Fame is the Spur” quotes from Chef!

Gareth

You're a pea-brained, prat-faced, talentless, pillock-headed cretin, what are you?

Everton

I'm a pea-brained...

Gareth

If you took an intensive course of intelligence injections and studied till you drop, then one day you might make it to moron third class failed. Give me strength! I don't want to shout at you.

Everton

No, Chef

Gareth

I want to batter you with a hard and jagged kitchen implement! I'm only restrained by the ludicrous liberal pinko laws that we've got in this country!

Everton

Yes, Chef.

Gareth

In a sanely ordered, civilised society anyone found making runny mayonnaise would be tortured to death slowly in front of a warm applauding audience! Egg yolk, mustard, rescue it drop by drop!

Gareth

Piers can cook in his sleep, you know. It's amazing. How do I know? Cos I've never seen him do it awake!

Gareth

(on the phone) I'm 62. I came to it late in life because of all the time I spent as a mercenary in Angola. Well, I'm sorry. I'm just bored of being asked my age by tabloid journalists who can't count to two unless they have a topless model in front of them.