Randy quotes from Cheap Seats

Jason

(Doing the voice of a cop that the regular guy is talking to) "Oh no, no no you gotta stay right here."

Randy

"Why it's so boring."

Jason

"You wanna get tazed? Because I will use force If I have to."

Randy

"This cannot be before the third inning."

Jason

"Or after the sixth."

Randy

"Marge Schott."

Jason

"Alright the point is we felt that Cheap Seats as a sports franchise deserved its own mascot too."

Randy

"So we combed the country. Scouting Renaissance fairs, Illegal rodeos, Wal-Mart grand openings looking for every conceivable novelty creature."

Jason

"And we narrowed it down to the three finalist. Here are their auditions."

(Wearing a chicken suit) "First off I will not wear this head. I don't believe in it. I will not act like a goofy mascot."

(Wearing a chocolate chip cookie suit) "You might have seen me in a few roles. I played a chocolate chip cookie in the How About Some Milk campaign."

(A homeless person) "To be honest man I haven't been inside of a building In about five years. I'm freaked out man."

"I will not shine a bald man's head at a baseball game."

"I'm a gogetrahidra I can do anything. You ask me to do anything and I can do it."

" I can make a dollar last me month. A month!!"

"I will not run and dive on a rain soaked tarp."

"I can play many different types of cookies."

"You can lose those chocolate chips if we need you to?"

"Absolutly I can take them out I can play Pecan Sandy if that's what you want uh these are birthmarks so."

(Crying) "Ah man have you ever since a cat without it's eyeballs in it's head" (digging through a trash bag)

"No no no no!"

"You have? What's the answer?"

"Well I think the question is what talents don't I bring."

"Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy."

"Uh I can find vitamins in cigarette butts. Alot of vitamins in that stuff yall guys don't know."

"You know I can..Cookie Dance I don't know If you could use that on your show."

"Did you know If you're feeling emotional pain if you hurt yourself in the (beep) it stops it?"

"Stage talking. Hello! How are you!? Please dunk me in milk."

"Where be now your jives, your gambles, your songs?"

"I can..I made these shoes..made those shoes. I made those shoes!"

Randy

"When would you do something like that?"

"Well clearly not here apparently."

Jason

"A little bit but I feel like that's his hook."

Randy

"Just like Marge Schott."

Randy

"I think it was pre."

"Or was it!"

Randy

"That's Detective Reitz to you Al."

Jason

"Played by a young Dennis Franz."

Randy

"Were not going to see is naked rump are we?"

Randy

"And Ken Reitz reminding us just how good Willie Randolph is."

Jason

"And Ashlee Simpson reminding us just how talented Ken Reitz was."

Randy

"And Dick Chaney reminding us just how honest Ashlee Simpson is. More Cheap Seats after this."

"Whoa!"

Randy

"Whoa"

Jason

"Why don't you care?"

"Ah Jewish or non Jewish he's a great ball player."

Randy

"Ok! Just got weird in here. Wow"

Jason

"Yeah because there's bigotry in here."

Randy

"I smell that. I smell that yeah."

"What just cause I don't care that Rod Carew is Jewish or not?"

Randy

"Yeah wow."

Jason

"Wow what are you going to tell us next that your favorite movie was American History X?"

"I don't know, I thought Ed Norton played a strong character."

Randy

"Ah-Ha!"

Jason

"Ah-Ha!"

Randy

"I think someone needs to go to the Museum of Tolerance."

Jason

"Right after we go back to the game."

Randy

"I need to get my hook back."

Jason

"So do I."

Jason

"Not necessarly? So he's still a follower?"

Randy

"Yes he's the leading follower."

Jason

"What the fuck does that mean!"

Jason

"Oww!!"

Randy

"Well it's a good the ball hit Farmer that way Randolph didn't have a chance to boot it."

Jason

"Again just like Marge Schott."

Randy

"Yes. Alright let's move on to the bottom of the seventh inning. National League up 3 to 2. Trying to hold to their ninth straight All-Star win."

Jason

"Ooooh and that one just took out the Keebler elves."

Randy

"He won't be making any Town House crackers any time soon, I can tell you that much."

Jason

"Two balls with one strike."

Jason

"I'll just wipe off the plate and... oh God, tell my wife I love her."

Randy

"You're wearing a cup, right?"

Jason

"I was but I took it off in the eighth. Boys needed some air."

Randy

"Good call."

Jason

"Ladies and gentlemen..."

"The Giant Cookie!!"

"How bout it!" How bout it!"

"Drink! Drink! Drink!"

"Drink? You want me to? Ok!"

"Owww!"

"I'm sorry. I forgot. I'm lactose intolerant."

Randy

"That's ok!"

"Seriously guys, my throat's closing up! Can't breathe! Choking on vomit!"

Randy

"He's really hurt."

"The Cookie!!!"

Randy

The Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee.

Jason

Where kids just get to be kids.

Jason

Who are put on a stage in front of a nationally televised audience and asked to spell words that would make a dictionary editor wet his pants.

Jason

Remember most of these kids are only 12 or 13.

Randy

And at a puberal age your number one goal is just to fit in.

Jason

Wait a minute, what was that word you just said.

Randy

Puberal

Jason

Ah what's the language of origin please?

Randy

It's Latin.

Jason

Definiation please.

Randy

Puberal. Of or relating to puberty. Puberal

Jason

Could you use it in a sentence please?

Randy

You were pretty damn ugly when you were puberal.

Jason

Yeah well you were puberally pathetic. I didn't know you were in a mariachi band.

Randy

Well I looked like you ok, so whose laughing now huh. Spell the word.

Jason

Puberal...P.U.B.E.R.R.A.L. Puberal. (ding)

Randy

Oh sorry. This must be bringing up a lot of stuff for you?

Jason

No it's not.