Jason quotes from Cheap Seats

You know Willie what strikes me is there's a derogatory term that we sometimes use in regards to athletes...

Jason

Please don't.

...they got a little dog in 'em.

Jason

Ah you did.

Randy

Ahhh.

If they would compete in the Olympics, maybe they would win gold medals too.

Jason

But dogs can never compete in the Olympics because they're dogs.

Jason

Alright settle down lady; it's not the NBA Finals.

Randy

Is this crowd even in the same place as this event?

Jason

Are they even in the same season as this event?

Randy

Yeah it's like late Fall in the stands.

Well you know as a former footballer myself, just in college

Jason

It wasn't a major college, D3, D4 really. Actually it was Juco. Not even it was a league. It's just a group of guys that got together. It was flag football, I was 10, 11 maybe. And it wasn't football, it was kickball. I used go with my dad. Well I went alone he dropped me off. My parents were divorced, my mom worked three jobs. I get sad when I see parents hugging their kids but enough about me, nice frisbee toss.

TILE PILE!

Randy

"A very special episode of Cheap Seats, because today the first day we have a live studio audiance.

Jason

"Twenty-five people."

Randy

"Yeah!"

Randy

"Now how did we pull it off you may ask inquisitively? Well it was easy we lobbied ESPN really hard for months and we finally reached a compromise.

Jason

"They said no"

Randy

"Uh huh. So we decided to go behind their backs and start diverting tour groups from ESPN down here to the library. Now we have a group here today with us."

Jason

"We have a great group with us today."

Randy

"Who is with us today?"

Jason

"We have got Doctors Without Borders.

Randy

"I love doctors with"

Jason

"They do such good work."

"Uh excuse me. Excuse me actually we are Doctors With Borders.

Randy

"With Borders? I've heard of Doctors Without Borders."

Jason

"What is Doctors With Borders?"

"Doctors With Borders is a group of doctors that work within the borders of gated communities. We help people that need medical care who make at least eighty thousand dollars a year."

Randy

"Well I guess maybe if we pull our salaries collectively we could be one patient"

"I don't think so. Also could get a little more chardonnay up in here we're dying. Thank you."

Randy

"Yeah the ariel shots there are courtsy of Chopper 4."

Jason

"Whose your news source?"

Randy

"Chopper 4."

Jason

(Doing the voice of a cop that the regular guy is talking to) "Oh no, no no you gotta stay right here."

Randy

"Why it's so boring."

Jason

"You wanna get tazed? Because I will use force If I have to."

Randy

"This cannot be before the third inning."

Jason

"Or after the sixth."

Randy

"Marge Schott."

Jason

"Alright the point is we felt that Cheap Seats as a sports franchise deserved its own mascot too."

Randy

"So we combed the country. Scouting Renaissance fairs, Illegal rodeos, Wal-Mart grand openings looking for every conceivable novelty creature."

Jason

"And we narrowed it down to the three finalist. Here are their auditions."

(Wearing a chicken suit) "First off I will not wear this head. I don't believe in it. I will not act like a goofy mascot."

(Wearing a chocolate chip cookie suit) "You might have seen me in a few roles. I played a chocolate chip cookie in the How About Some Milk campaign."

(A homeless person) "To be honest man I haven't been inside of a building In about five years. I'm freaked out man."

"I will not shine a bald man's head at a baseball game."

"I'm a gogetrahidra I can do anything. You ask me to do anything and I can do it."

" I can make a dollar last me month. A month!!"

"I will not run and dive on a rain soaked tarp."

"I can play many different types of cookies."

"You can lose those chocolate chips if we need you to?"

"Absolutly I can take them out I can play Pecan Sandy if that's what you want uh these are birthmarks so."

(Crying) "Ah man have you ever since a cat without it's eyeballs in it's head" (digging through a trash bag)

"No no no no!"

"You have? What's the answer?"

Jason

"A little bit but I feel like that's his hook."

Randy

"Just like Marge Schott."

Randy

"That's Detective Reitz to you Al."

Jason

"Played by a young Dennis Franz."

Randy

"Were not going to see is naked rump are we?"

Randy

"And Ken Reitz reminding us just how good Willie Randolph is."

Jason

"And Ashlee Simpson reminding us just how talented Ken Reitz was."

Randy

"And Dick Chaney reminding us just how honest Ashlee Simpson is. More Cheap Seats after this."

"Whoa!"

Randy

"Whoa"

Jason

"Why don't you care?"

"Ah Jewish or non Jewish he's a great ball player."

Randy

"Ok! Just got weird in here. Wow"

Jason

"Yeah because there's bigotry in here."

Randy

"I smell that. I smell that yeah."

"What just cause I don't care that Rod Carew is Jewish or not?"

Randy

"Yeah wow."

Jason

"Wow what are you going to tell us next that your favorite movie was American History X?"

"I don't know, I thought Ed Norton played a strong character."

Randy

"Ah-Ha!"

Jason

"Ah-Ha!"

Randy

"I think someone needs to go to the Museum of Tolerance."

Jason

"Right after we go back to the game."

Randy

"I need to get my hook back."

Jason

"So do I."

Jason

"Not necessarly? So he's still a follower?"

Randy

"Yes he's the leading follower."

Jason

"What the fuck does that mean!"