Javier Esposito quotes from Castle

Beckett

This is the weirdest spending spree I have ever seen. Odette spent tens of thousands of dollars on clothes but nothing in her size according to these receipts. Everything's in size four.

Esposito

And I went through her apartment. I didn't see a hundred grand worth of new clothes. Maybe she hid 'em.

Castle

Sounds to me like the old gas card scheme.

Beckett

What do you mean?

Castle

Your parents put you on a strict allowance, but they give you a gas card so you can fill your car. You fill your friend's cars and they give you cash. Some of my buddies in boarding school nearly doubled their allowance.

Beckett

Uh huh.

Castle

Not me, of course. That ... Don't tell my mother.

Castle

Ryan, you’ll be here, front door, dressed as a flower delivery boy. Esposito, you’ll be here, dressed as a hobo.

Esposito

Question. Why does a brown man gotta be a hobo?

Castle

You want the flowers?

Esposito

Hobo it is.

Castle

You boys will cause a distraction here, whilst I rappel down the side of the building with Nikolai.

Ryan

Who’s Nikolai?

Castle

He’s a Romanian gymnast I found on Youtube. He’s extremely flexible, and fits in the duffel bag. Using a glass cutter, I...

Excuse me, gents. Has anyone seen Detective Beckett? (He walks in wearing a suit. Kate walks in from the other side, wearing a dress.)

Ryan

Wow. Are you guys going out?

I pulled some strings and got us into a party at the British consulate tonight.

Beckett

Nigel will be there, we’ll get his prints and he won’t even know it.

Cheers, lads.

Ryan

Or they could do that.

Castle

Yeah, sure. You want to do it the easy way.

Castle

Now, Charlie made this 911 call moments after the attack. Does it sound like he’s faking to you?

Beckett

It sounds like Charlie’s having a psychotic break. What if his guilt made him snap and he created a fantasy in which zombies killed David and not him?

Castle

I’m not so sure. I mean, his voice does have that authentic ring of pants-wetting terror.

Beckett

You do not believe in Charlie’s story.

Castle

I believe he believes it.

Beckett

Okay, well, whatever you believe, all evidence points to the fact that Charlie Coleman is our killer.

Esposito

Maybe not all the evidence. CSU analyzed that bite mark on Charlie’s arm. Turns out that it matches the bite mark on our victim.

Beckett

Maybe Charlie bit David and then he bit himself?

Esposito

Well, I was thinking the same thing, but CSU also says that the bite marks weren’t made by Charlie’s teeth.

Castle

Oh, wait, um… Sorry. Let me make sure I understand so that I might properly relish this moment. You’re saying the evidence shows that Charlie and the victim both were bitten by an as yet unknown third party?

Esposito

That’s what I just said-

Castle

Perhaps even a mindless, shuffling undead third party?

Beckett

Castle, just stop. There’s no such thing as a zombie.

Beckett

He won’t leave?

Ryan

Charlie’s pretty convinced about this whole zombie thing.

Beckett

Yeah, but that’s just… That’s ridiculous.

Castle

Or is it? Charlie has not been wrong yet. Maybe our killer is Patient Zero, out there right now in the streets of New York, building an army of the undead.

Beckett

Castle, what we are looking for is not a zombie, but a very smart criminal who murdered David Lock and is now making our only witness look crazy. And he also dressed up in makeup and a costume to hide his identity.

Castle

Unless that’s not costume or makeup.

Ryan

I mean, he does look like a real zombie.

Esposito

A real zombie? I’m embarrassed for you, bro.

Beckett

Okay, then explain this. Why would a zombie go after a currency trader at 4:00 am in a garage?

Castle

This one’s easy. The more intelligent the victim, the more delicious the brains.

Beckett

What did you find at the crime scene canvass?

Esposito

Nada. Only in New York can some guy dress like a frigging zombie and walk down the street unnoticed.

Ryan

I’m telling you, that guy was dead.

Esposito

Remind me never to choke on a chicken bone in front of you.

Ryan

Hey, you checked that guy! So did the paramedics.

Beckett

Whoa, you guys! I’m sure that there’s a medical explanation for it.

Castle

Oh, there’s an explanation, alright.

Beckett

Besides that one.

Castle

Come on, you were there, you saw it. He rose from the dead.

Beckett

He didn’t rise from the dead, Castle. He wasn’t dead in the first place.

Esposito

He’s not a zombie, Castle. He’s just a murderer.

Castle

Well, then, what was his motive for murder, Detective Esposito? Kyle sold insurance. He had no criminal record. There’s no evidence he even knew our victim.

Beckett

He’s a human killer, with a human motive

Castle

Or he’s a zombie killer, with a zombie motive

Ryan

Hey, Javier. Man, this just feels wrong. We need to tell Gates.

Esposito

Why? So she can send Beckett home? You think that’s gonna work? You think that’s gonna stop her? She’s gonna investigate this case, Kevin, whether she’s on it or not. The least we can do is make sure that we have her back.

Beckett

Do you actually buy this whole ‘just friends’ thing?

Castle

It’s possible.

Beckett

Yeah, it’s possible. But it’s not probable.

Castle

I don’t know. You and I were just friends for four years.

Beckett

Except you were trying to sleep with me that whole time.

Castle

What?

Beckett

Mmm hmm.

Castle

Excuse me, it was you that was trying to sleep with me.

Beckett

What?

Castle

Don’t tell me you dress like that for Esposito.

Esposito

What’s for me?

Beckett

Nothing.

Castle

(At the same time.) Don’t worry about it.

Ryan

Hey, guys. I found out who Mandy-

Esposito

Yo. Are you…wearing makeup?

Ryan

No.

Esposito

Really? Because an hour ago, you and I both had black eyes, and now you don’t.

Ryan

No, this is not makeup. This is tinted moisturizer.

Esposito

[Sarcastically] Oh.

Ryan

Jenny just stopped by. She happened to have some in her purse and I figured since… [stutters a bit] Fine. Just judge all you want.

Esposito

Who knew that Gates had a softer side? It’s, um…

Ryan

Creepy. Very, very creepy

Ryan

We’re thinking the most likely scenario is that it was the last guy that she was with.

Esposito

Doctor Joshua Davidson.

Ryan

Mm-hm.

Esposito

It’s him, isn’t it?

Lanie

Okay, I get that you don’t have a life, Javi, but you’re married, Kevin, so what’s your excuse?

Ryan

I-

Lanie

Whoever Beckett’s boyfriend is, is none of your business.

Esposito

Come on, Lanie. You must know who it is. She went back to Josh, didn’t she?

Lanie

Is this how you interrogate people? ‘Cause you ain’t doing nothing but pissing me off.

Ryan

Hey, Castle. Yeah, I’m gonna put you on speakerphone so you can weigh in on this.

Castle

Weigh in on what?

Esposito

Well, we’re in the morgue with Lanie trying to figure out who Beckett’s boyfriend is.

Lanie

I have nothing to do with this nonsense. [walks away]

Castle

Yeah, until you’re bagging their mangled bodies when Beckett finds out.

Esposito

Pfft! Like we’re afraid of Beckett. [Chuckles]

Ryan

Besides, how’s she gonna find out?

Ryan

We found blood-stained overalls in his van. We sent them to be tested to see if they match the blood from our vic.

Esposito

Oh, they match. Trust me, bro. You don’t have to worry about this creep hurting anyone ever again. [To the camera] That’s a gift, from me to you. You’re welcome, America

Ryan

Well, looks like our stalker was telling the truth. Prelim shows that the blood on his overalls was his. Sorry, partner.

Esposito

Huh. Well, at least grabbing the guy up wasn’t a total bust.

Ryan

I don’t know. Seems to be the definition of a total bust.

Esposito

Element of surprise is key. See, I can be circumspect. Folks would be lost without me. [Walks toward a door]

Castle

[Laughing into the camera] He went the wrong way.