No, I bleach hairy tacos.
S2 E2The Great Ashby
(Sees himself masturbating on camera) So, what? You going to shit-can 15 year of experience because a guy messes up one time? (Sees himself masturbating multiple times) OK! That's it! I'm ankling. Runkle is ankling! WOOOOOO!
The man is too pretty for jail mom
What if he is being someone's bitch right now.
Instead of being yours.
What am I going to write about? You were born a poor black child and now you're an icon where everything you touch turns to gold?
(After a girl gets up from under the table giving Ashby a blowjob) Cool. Very cool.
What? Is somebody crying? Charlie's crying? You guys are fucking retarded.
It's sobering Hank, to see yourself make faces like that.
I hear you. No man should ever have to bear witness to his own O face.
Any place for saying I'm sorry in a romance language?
I don't know. I'll think about it next time I'm going down on a guy.
Fair enough, as long as he's slim bent and circumcised.
I love you.
I love you too. But what if that's not enough?
This is not very good pillow talk.
S2 E4The Raw and the Cooked
Really? Because I think it's going to be like a cue tip shoved up my urethra. For three hours. Without lube. Which could be fun if you do it.
I was hoping that you would make an honest woman of me.
I love you Karen, and I want to spend the rest of my life annoying the shit out of you, and I want the rest of my life to start right now. I'm sick and tired fighting about the past. We're not going anywhere, I get that now. This is my home, because home is where you and Becca are. I love LA. Seriously, I love it, I can't get enough of it.
You're so full of shit
Will you marry me Karen? Queen of my dreams, mother of my child. Lady of the Valley.
Anymore?
Fuck no I'm out... I'm so wet right now, are you?
You can always check it out for yourself.
S2 E6Coke Dick & First Kick
Maybe they have one of those, you know, like, open relationships or something.
Ew! No, no, no, no, no. That- that is disgusting. That is not a possibility. The open relationship does not exist. It's like an oxymoron, like "jumbo shrimp" or-
Ph, okay. So that's where you draw the line? At open relationships?
Yes! That's thoroughly offensive to me.
Huh. The mouth-rapist who sleeps with prostitutes is offended.
No. Come on. Look, my ethical unpredictability is default proof of its hard-won vitality. Because I'm not, like, by rote or programmatic about it. I think this shit through, every issue.
Hank Moody, this is Annika Staley of Rolling Stone Magazine.
Really? The Rolling Stone Magazine? The one that used to have some cultural relevance?
S2 E7In a Lonely Place
[at parent-teacher meeting] Well, long story short, we were together, and now we're apart.
Again.
PMrs. Patterson
So, you're divorced?
Not exactly.
PMrs. Patterson
It's okay. I'm not judging. You know, I'm divorced. Pretty recently, actually.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Right on!
Hank. We were never married so...
No, but I did ask... a number of times.
Okay, not the time or the place, Hank.
I gave her a ring, she gave it back. I gave it to a homeless woman.
PMrs. Patterson
I'm sorry. That's so sad.
It worked out for the homeless woman.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Californication pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.