Hell-A Magazine blog number 1. Hank hates you all. A few things I've learned on my travels through this crazy little thing called life. One, a morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness. Two, I probably won't go down in history, but I will go down on your sister. And 3, while I'm down there it might be nice to see a hint of pubis. I'm not talking about a huge 70's Playboy bush or anything. Just something that reminds me that I'm performing cunnilingus on an adult. But I guess the larger question is why is the city of angels so hell bent on destroying its female population.
S1Hell-A Woman
[looking in a bathroom mirror] Nobody likes you, you're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. Now smile, you fucking douche.
[about a painting] What the fuck is that?
BLBill Lewis
Oh, you like it? I could have bought a car instead.
I think you should still buy the car and then run over whoever created that turd.
Well, your breasts are obviously real... and... eh... you have an abundance of pubic hair, which is really nice and... eh... there's no evidence of vaginal rejuvenation. I'd say, aside from the fact that you worship a space alien, you just might be the most beautiful woman I've seen in a long, long time
I'm a writer. Non-practicing.
Kiss my black ass.
Has a nose ring, you know what that means?
What, she likes it in the nose?
That is sick.
S1The Whore of Babylon
MMeredith
My baby.
You have a baby with married guy? Holy fuck!
MMeredith
No, my dog, Cat Stevens.
You have a dog named Cat Stevens? Holy fuck!
What the fuck do you want?
MLMia Lewis
I'm late.
What? That's not possible. I...I...I...I...I...I...I wore a condom. That's... that would be like, uh, the immaculate conception. And you, you're the one who... y, you... and then you left.
MLMia Lewis
I'm late for school.
[trying to lure a dog named Cat Stevens] Hey, Cat Stevens. C'mere, Cat. Come here. I'll take you away from all this. Cat... Yusuf Islam. Peace Train's a good song. C'mere, Cat. C'mere.
S1Fear and Loathing at the Fundraiser
Oh, big boy... are you crying?
A little.
Jesus Christ.
Have you had the sex?
[catching Charlie photographing his secretary] Holy Fuck-nuts!
Shit! [falls over]
S1LOL
I love women. I have all their albums.
(to Meredith) Try not to forget all the times I brought you to fruition. 33 to be exact.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Californication pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.