Iqbal quotes from Bromwell High

[On ways to save money] From now on, no more coffee, you will only drink your own urine, like I do. [Gasps] In fact, you will drink my urine. [Gasps] And no more biscuits, you will eat only horses. [Gasps] And no more books, these kids can't read anyway.

[addressing assembly] Finally, the wheelchair swing has been smashed up. Now, we is sure whoever did this to the wheelchair swing wants to own up. But, just to be certain, we is going to kill one pupil a day 'til they do.

I's don't get it. You's Fired.

Below Satisfactory! We is moving up in the world!

Remember, a vote for Iqbal is a vote for jobs. Your motha-fucking jobs!

[After flat-block is demolished for lacking council planning permission] I have some experience in corporate manslaughter, headmaster, and I suspect we'll have to give that money to the relatives of the dead. And probably a good deal more, due to what lawyers would call your massive and absolute incompetence.

Screw this country that knocks success!

Tell us at least you'll be spending the money on books!

If by books you mean wind-surfing lessons, then yes.

O.K., there are two teachers running for promotion to head of year eight: the slutty one and the stupid one.

You might want to be a tad more specific, Headmaster.

Oh, right. Uh, Miss Dickson and Mr. Phillips.

Yes! I'm the slutty one!

Hello?

This is Quentin Leaves from the Ministry of Education...

There is a Ministry of Education?! Huh, what next? Ministry of Kabob?!

Shit. Hold on, is the minister that blind geezer?

No, no, he's not blind.

Wha, the guy with the dog and stick, who is fall down the big hole last week, that everyone else could see?

You realize this would mean giving up all wheelchair facilities.

Oh boo-hoo.

But what if there's a fire?

[mocking him] But what if there's a fire? What if giant meteor hit the earth tomorrow? [thinks, becomes terrified] Bloody Shitcakes! We'd all be killed!

Headmaster, this hole is dangerous! Whenever Jesus sees a hole, He fills it.

Oh, like my cousin.

Oh, come on, Gavin, it's not dangerous/ There's a huge sign saying "DANGER: BIG HOLE." As long as the kids can read, we'll be fine.

Or maybe the writing is ambiguous.

Bloody typical, the only kid in the whole school and only this sentence.

Yes, but I really must protest,

You is lucky we is getting cable at these prices

Yes but...

Will you stop being so selfish?

I'm not being selfish.

Yes you are, 'MY car fell in the hole, MY husband's trapped in it.'

[from car] Uh, Carol...

Two words: red hot Dutch! O.K., it's four words but you get the point.

And the result is as follow. Iqbal bin Ibrahim Maurice Kandallah...

[quietly into mic] Chicken Party.

Is 4 vote. Some teachers is must not vote for Iqbal!

I did!

Natella Tendalkar Gavaskar Srivastavah...

[quietly into mic] Save Comprehensive Education and Fuck The Police Party.

Is 7 vote. [cheering] There is 817 spoiled ballot papers, of which most say "Kelly Edwards is a slag."

[looks up while making out with random guy] Huh?

So, I's hereby announce that Natella is elect school President. God help us.

And the result is as follow. Keisha-Marie Christie...

[quietly into mic] Keeping It Real.

417 vote.

Mmm

Natella Tendalkar Gavaskar Srivastavah...

[quietly into mic] Save The Police and Fuck Comprehensive Education.

One vote.

Yeah!

There is 402 spoilt ballot paper, of which most is "Kelly Edwards is give BJs."

[looks up from being bent behind chairs in front of random guy] Huh?

I is hereby announce that Keisha-Marie is elect as School Prez!