Mr. Bibby quotes from Bromwell High

[reading a letter]: So, kidnapping pays off? [to Iqbal] I resign.

[After flat-block is demolished for lacking council planning permission] I have some experience in corporate manslaughter, headmaster, and I suspect we'll have to give that money to the relatives of the dead. And probably a good deal more, due to what lawyers would call your massive and absolute incompetence.

Screw this country that knocks success!

O.K., there are two teachers running for promotion to head of year eight: the slutty one and the stupid one.

You might want to be a tad more specific, Headmaster.

Oh, right. Uh, Miss Dickson and Mr. Phillips.

Yes! I'm the slutty one!

You realize this would mean giving up all wheelchair facilities.

Oh boo-hoo.

But what if there's a fire?

[mocking him] But what if there's a fire? What if giant meteor hit the earth tomorrow? [thinks, becomes terrified] Bloody Shitcakes! We'd all be killed!

Yes, but I really must protest,

You is lucky we is getting cable at these prices

Yes but...

Will you stop being so selfish?

I'm not being selfish.

Yes you are, 'MY car fell in the hole, MY husband's trapped in it.'

[from car] Uh, Carol...

Two words: red hot Dutch! O.K., it's four words but you get the point.

And the result is as follow. Iqbal bin Ibrahim Maurice Kandallah...

[quietly into mic] Chicken Party.

Is 4 vote. Some teachers is must not vote for Iqbal!

I did!

Natella Tendalkar Gavaskar Srivastavah...

[quietly into mic] Save Comprehensive Education and Fuck The Police Party.

Is 7 vote. [cheering] There is 817 spoiled ballot papers, of which most say "Kelly Edwards is a slag."

[looks up while making out with random guy] Huh?

So, I's hereby announce that Natella is elect school President. God help us.

And the result is as follow. Keisha-Marie Christie...

[quietly into mic] Keeping It Real.

417 vote.

Mmm

Natella Tendalkar Gavaskar Srivastavah...

[quietly into mic] Save The Police and Fuck Comprehensive Education.

One vote.

Yeah!

There is 402 spoilt ballot paper, of which most is "Kelly Edwards is give BJs."

[looks up from being bent behind chairs in front of random guy] Huh?

I is hereby announce that Keisha-Marie is elect as School Prez!

So... When did you take over the school?

Hmmm... let Iqbal think... Five years ago I's in Parkhurst for a crime I's commit...

And I was in the former Yugoslavia.

Mm hm.

On a caravan holiday.

Right.

Then I's escape- ah, don't mentions that in article- and I's meet Mr. Beeb in Angola! Where we's run successful diamond smuggle operation...

And where we dabbled in the slave trade. Emphasize "dabbled" rather than "slave trade".

"Slave trade..."

For administrative reason, we's have to flee Africa...

In a U.N. helicopter gunship.

Ho ho! Happy day! An' then I's run mini-cab company, until I's win school in game of poker.

Crikey! It's a real rags-to-riches story! Our readers are going to love it.