Iqbal quotes from Bromwell High

So... When did you take over the school?

Hmmm... let Iqbal think... Five years ago I's in Parkhurst for a crime I's commit...

And I was in the former Yugoslavia.

Mm hm.

On a caravan holiday.

Right.

Then I's escape- ah, don't mentions that in article- and I's meet Mr. Beeb in Angola! Where we's run successful diamond smuggle operation...

And where we dabbled in the slave trade. Emphasize "dabbled" rather than "slave trade".

"Slave trade..."

For administrative reason, we's have to flee Africa...

In a U.N. helicopter gunship.

Ho ho! Happy day! An' then I's run mini-cab company, until I's win school in game of poker.

Crikey! It's a real rags-to-riches story! Our readers are going to love it.