Hey, this isn't fair! I don't have a gun!
Sarah Lynn is right. You know, if we all had guns, then no one would need a gun, and we would all be safe. Oh my God, I think we just solved the gun crisis in America!
LET THEM EAT GUNS!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
DCDick Cavett
When we booked you for this show, you just won the Triple Crown. But then, just this week, I open up the newspaper and look at this. "Secretariat Under Investigation". What am I supposed to do with that?
SSecretariat
Maybe it's a different Secretariat. [chuckles; audience laughs] No, but seriously, folks. There is no truth to these allegations. I have never bet on horse racing, and I certainly did not bet on my own races. Although I did bet the network's gonna give your show back to Joey Bishop.
DCDick Cavett
[chuckles] Okay. We get letters here on the show, and one particular letter, for you, actually, struck a chord with our producers. This is from BoJack H. BoJack is nine years old. BoJack writes, "Dear Secretariat, I am a horse just like you. I like to watch racing, and you are my favorite racer."
SSecretariat
Smart kid.
DCDick Cavett
"When I grow up, I want to be just like you, and I think I'm on the right track. Get it? Track, because horses run on tracks, and you are a horse, and I am a horse. Do you get it? Do you get my joke about the track?" Okay, there's a whole page of this.
SSecretariat
Should I write him back and tell him I get it?
DCDick Cavett
He goes on, "My question for you is, I am a good kid and I like to play and I like to go to school, but sometimes I get sad. What do you do when you get sad? How do you not be sad? Sincerely, BoJack."
SSecretariat
That's a great letter. BoJack, when I was your age, I got sad. A lot. Uh... I didn't come from such a great home, but one day, I started running and that seemed to make sense, so then I just kept running. BoJack, when you get sad, you run straight ahead a-and you keep running forward, no matter what. There are people in your life who are gonna try to hold you back, slow you down, but you don't let them. Don't you stop running and don't you ever look behind you. There's nothing for you behind you. All that exists is what's ahead.
[one month later]
A1Announcer 1
[via radio] "Good morning, Louisville! It's August 22nd, 1973."
[see Secretariat at the edge of the John F. Kennedy Memorial Bridge]
A2Announcer 2
"A sad day for the sport of horse racing. Secretariat banned for life from competition."
A1Announcer 1
"It's a disgrace is what it is! This is the '70s! You can't cheat in sports and get away with it."
A2Announcer 2
"You know, I think it just goes to show you—you can be the fastest runner in the world, but you can't outrun the truth."
[Secretariat walks off the edge and falls into the Ohio River]
A3Announcer 3
"And traffic is jammed today coming into Louisville. Looks like some idiot parked his car on the bridge."
[in his trailer, a lonesome BoJack picks up Beatrice's call on his phone listening to his inspirational audiobook]
What do you want, Mom?
BBeatrice
Look who finally decided to pick up the phone.
Do you need more blood?
BBeatrice
I don't need blood. I read your book, BoJack.
[pause] Oh.
BBeatrice
It takes a real narcissist to think anyone wants to buy a book about him. You know how I feel about Anne Frank.
That was a diary.
BBeatrice
I read the parts about me. The things I said to you. You must think I'm a real monster.
Mom—
BBeatrice
I don't want to fight you, BoJack. I just wanted to tell you that I know. I know you want to be happy, but you won't be, and... I'm sorry.
What?
BBeatrice
It's not just you, you know. Your father and I, we... well... you come by it honestly, the ugliness inside of you. You were born broken, that's your birthright. And now you can fill your life with projects... your books and your movies and your little girlfriends, but it won't make you whole. You're BoJack Horseman. There's no cure for that.
Ugh. The first time BoJack dates a woman his own age, she's basically just a stunted 20-year-old.
Well, BoJack's stunted, too. He got famous in his twenties, so he'll be in his twenties forever. After you get famous, you stop growing, you don't have to. Every celebrity has an age of stagnation.
I'm glad I never got famous. I mean, I did write a best-selling book, but I'm not famous-famous.
It doesn't just happen when you get famous. Your age of stagnation is when you stop growing. For most, it's when they get married, settle into a routine. You meet someone who loves you unconditionally and never challenges you or wants you to change, and then you never change.
But mostly it's just the famous people, right?
[having a conversation with BoJack] Hey, do you know what you're supposed to do with our date pits? Why would you serve dates and not have a place to put the pits? You know, some people just have no class.
What are you doing here? You didn't even know Herb.
No, but I do know a hot ticket, and this funeral's a real whom's-whom. Henry Winkler, Jake and Maggot Gyllenhaal, [see Sarah Lynn quarrel over taking Malala Yousafzai's Nobel Prize] that Pakistani girl who keeps winning Nobel Prizes—I'm gonna go rub me some elbows.
There's so much to hate about what you just said.
[BoJack, Sarah Lynn, Bradley and Joelle reunite in Herb's old bedroom]
Hey, when was the last time all four of us were in the same room?
JJoelle
Probably not since the show ended.
BBradley
Yeah, I left California pretty much right after. Now I got the biggest hardware store in Seattle! That's a lie. We're actually in Olympia.
JJoelle
And I'm on the West End, playing Juliet's... nurse.
And how are your kids?
JJoelle
Oh, I don't have any kids.
Oh, I just assumed you had a bunch of kids, 'cause, you know... your body?
Come on, Sarah Lynn...
JJoelle
I assumed you weren't still a massive cunt. [Sarah Lynn and Bradley cry out in shock]
Jesus Christ, Joelle!
JJoelle
That's an okay thing to say in England.
Shove it up your ass with a spoonful of sugar, you supercalifragilisticexpiali-bitch!
Um... do you want to talk about what happened?
What happened? No. I don't want to talk about what happened. I just want to clean up.
Okay.
Why, what do you think happened?
I just...
Because what I think happened is that BoJack's girlfriend asked what Tony Curtis was up to, and I said Tony Curtis died.
Uh...
And you said, "Did he?"
Right, but...
And I said, "Yes, he did." And you said "Really? I'm not sure about that."
Yeah.
And I said, "Well I am." And you said, "I'm not so sure."
Uh huh.
And I said, "I'm telling you, Tony Curtis is dead." And you said, "Let's check the internet!"
No, I know, but...
And I said, "We don't need to check the internet, I'm telling you, he's dead." And you said, "Let's just check though."
[breaks plate in half]
Is that what you think happened?
So, do you want to talk about it? Because it kind of feels like you want to talk about it.
[meets Daniel Radcliffe] Hey, Daniel, good to see you.
DRDaniel Radcliffe
Always nice to meet a fan!
No, I... sorry, I'm not a... I'm an actor.
DDaniel
Oh, good for you! It's a dreadful business, but hang in there.
No, I already did hang in there. I'm BoJack Horseman? We've actually met before. At Chris Martin's holiday party?
DDaniel
[dubious] Hm?
We stepped outside for a smoke? To get away from Chris Martin?
DDaniel
Huh...
You opened up about your fear of success? I gave you some advice? You said I was a true friend and you would never forget me?
DDaniel
And you said your name was Chadwick Boseman?
BoJack Horseman.
DDaniel
Oh, I'm sorry. When you're as famous as I am, you meet so many people. [a shrivelled bird woman enters]
BABird Assistant
Sorry, we need you guys back on set.
DDaniel
Hey! You were the second hairdresser's assistant on The Ellen Show about five years ago. Veronica, right?
VVeronica
Yeah, that's right. [Daniel walks off with her]
DDaniel
How was your mother's party in the end? [BoJack groans]
[to BoJack in the rain live on-show] All I ever wanted was to be your friend... and you treat me like a big joke. You think I don't notice? Why don't you like me?
Mr. Peanutbutter—
No, tell me.
..Because... I'm jealous.
Ugh, of what? Diane?
No. O-of everything. Everything comes so easy for you.
Oh, and it doesn't for you? You're a millionaire movie star with a girlfriend who loves you, acting in your dream movie. What more do you want? What else could the universe possibly owe you?
I... want to feel good about myself... the way you do. And I don't know how. I don't know if I can.
DDaniel
[holds an umbrella] Whoa, guys, this is getting a little heavy, don't we think?
I'm sorry, Mr. Peanutbutter. I can't tell you how sorry I am.
Wow, um... I don't know if I can forgive you. But I guess we'll find out right after this break!
BoJack, sit down. You've just been told your brother is dead and that it's your fault. But this moment is bigger than that. This is the moment that Secretariat stops running. Because this is the moment you realize something inside you is broken, and it can never be fixed. [beat] We got it.
Really? I didn't cry.
You didn't have to.
Hey, where's Kelsey?
TTurtletaub
Oh, yeah, funny story. Turns out you two knuckleheads snuck out last night and got that shot I told you not to get for the scene that's not in the movie anymore. Uh, silly me, I didn't like that. So I fired her ass.
[Mr. Peanutbutter talks to Diane on the phone, unaware that she's crashing in BoJack's house]
Let me talk to one of the locals! I want to hear someone else talk about what a selfless hero my wife is!
Oh, uhh...
Aw, now come on!
[gets off the couch] Most of the refugees got their tongues cut out.
Find one with a tongue!
I don't think that's really--
Indulge me!
Okay... [in a softer voice] Hello... I am refugee from village.
Hey, what's your name, superstar?
[walks to the kitchen] Uh... my name is...
[Diane sees a Skørmpf blender, an eBain water bottle and a Biatelli coffee maker]
..Coffee Maker? [slaps herself and grunts]
Ah, Kofi Makir? Am I pronouncing that right?
Now, lucky me, I get to stay here and work on this movie that's going to ruin my career.
WWanda
Well, there's no reason to sulk about it.
Or, you could sulk about it.
Diane does raise some good points.
Hey! There's a Cheez-It on the shelf! I knew I kept these things around for a reason.
[talks about joining Shenanigags] I want to become a Level Two, so I can finally achieve clarity on the main stage with the chosen ones.
Oh, shit, Todd's in a cult. [sticks a knife in a beer can, pulls tab and drinks the side]
What?! No! It's not a cult. It's just a dogmatic school of thought taught by a for-profit organization with the promise of social and professional opportunities. [Diane exhales]
It's a cult, and I know what I'm talking about. I learned a little about cults during that year I was a Scientologist. 'Cause coincidentally during that year I happened to read a book about cults.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's BoJack Horseman pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.