When we booked you for this show, you just won the Triple Crown. But then, just this week, I open up the newspaper and look at this. "Secretariat Under Investigation". What am I supposed to do with that?
Maybe it's a different Secretariat. [chuckles; audience laughs] No, but seriously, folks. There is no truth to these allegations. I have never bet on horse racing, and I certainly did not bet on my own races. Although I did bet the network's gonna give your show back to Joey Bishop.
[chuckles] Okay. We get letters here on the show, and one particular letter, for you, actually, struck a chord with our producers. This is from BoJack H. BoJack is nine years old. BoJack writes, "Dear Secretariat, I am a horse just like you. I like to watch racing, and you are my favorite racer."
Smart kid.
"When I grow up, I want to be just like you, and I think I'm on the right track. Get it? Track, because horses run on tracks, and you are a horse, and I am a horse. Do you get it? Do you get my joke about the track?" Okay, there's a whole page of this.
Should I write him back and tell him I get it?
He goes on, "My question for you is, I am a good kid and I like to play and I like to go to school, but sometimes I get sad. What do you do when you get sad? How do you not be sad? Sincerely, BoJack."
That's a great letter. BoJack, when I was your age, I got sad. A lot. Uh... I didn't come from such a great home, but one day, I started running and that seemed to make sense, so then I just kept running. BoJack, when you get sad, you run straight ahead a-and you keep running forward, no matter what. There are people in your life who are gonna try to hold you back, slow you down, but you don't let them. Don't you stop running and don't you ever look behind you. There's nothing for you behind you. All that exists is what's ahead.
[one month later]
[via radio] "Good morning, Louisville! It's August 22nd, 1973."
[see Secretariat at the edge of the John F. Kennedy Memorial Bridge]
"A sad day for the sport of horse racing. Secretariat banned for life from competition."
"It's a disgrace is what it is! This is the '70s! You can't cheat in sports and get away with it."
"You know, I think it just goes to show you—you can be the fastest runner in the world, but you can't outrun the truth."
[Secretariat walks off the edge and falls into the Ohio River]
"And traffic is jammed today coming into Louisville. Looks like some idiot parked his car on the bridge."
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