Bob's Burgers · Season 1
[Bob is talking to frozen turkeys at the store]
Yeah, it's a little weird, but it's his selection process.
It's like The Bachelor, except at the end, the one he chooses gets eaten.
That's what happens on the real Bachelor, too. They just don't show it on camera.
If you wanna wreck your home, buy a bunch of mice like a normal person.
She left me for a married oil magnate. And then a married movie magnate.
She's a magnate magnet.
Why does it have to be Thanksgiving, Father? I want it to be Father's Day. Every day!
[As Mr. Fischoeder passes her a ticket, Gene comes over to pour water in his cup.]
Here you go, Father! You must be dehydrated from being too awesome!
[passes ticket] Take it down a notch.
Hey, do you remember that thing that we did together that was really fun?
That's pathetic.
We're going to do this amusement park style. Every time you do well, you get a ticket. The one with the most tickets at the end of the night wins a prize!
The only prize I need is your love, Father.
[handing Louise a ticket] And we're off and running!
We're adrenaline junkies. We like our rides pure, uncut, and assembled in Meh-hi-co!
You remember "The Deepening", right?
Remember it? I was in it! I was Handsome Lifeguard Number 3!
[Everyone stares at him.]
What?
It's just that we're looking at the "after" here. It's kinda hard to picture the "before".
Bob!
That shark made me so scared of the water that I spent the whole summer standing up to bee. Then I got into the habit. I like it.
[Tina has crashed into a parked car]
Oh my god, it's bad...
I ruined the car!
You did. You really did. Okay. Uh, well, that's... ugh. Well, there doesn't seem to be any damage to the other car.
No, I see a dent! There's a dent!
That's a ding. Not even. It's like a little scratch.
No, it's a dent!
All right, we'll leave a note. [pause] You know, then again, for all we know, that was probably already there, right?
We have to leave a note! We have to leave a note!
Okay, okay! You're so honest. Who raised you?
I don't know!
Da-- it was me. I did.
Tina, why are you wearing a hairnet?
Because stress is making my hair fall out! Look at me!
[She removes the hairnet; her hair is the same as always]
Tina, you have the fullest head of hair in the family. I would kill for that hairline.
I believe you would!
Do I have a boyfriend in this scenario?
Uh, we should probably just stick to the necessary facts.
Oh, okay.
Fine, all right, you have a secret boyfriend in this scenario, one that you can't ever talk about.
What's his name?
Um, Sebastian.
He plays lacrosse. And he loves me.
Mm-hmm.
But he loves lacrosse more.
Uh, yeah.
How long is his hair?
I-I-I don't know. But it's greasy.
[throwing her head back in bliss] Yes.
Geez, Courtney. Take a chill pill.
[Courtney's friends gasp]
It's okay, it's okay. [to Louise] I will take a chill pill. I will. Because I have a congenital heart condition and I take them every day.
I had shingles once.
I have a cut on my leg.
Those things aren't congenital.
[The school bell rings]
Show's over. Time to get our congenitals to class!
Puberty, puberty, puberty. That's all I hear when you guys talk!
You should know when you hold hands with me, you're holding hands with everything I've ever eaten.
My life is more difficult than anyone else's on the planet, and yes I'm including starving children, so don't ask!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Bob's Burgers pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
