Black Mirror quotes

Monkey just needs a minute to get used to how things are gonna be.

Now listen, you fucking bitch. We can still have you wiped. That what you want? [silence] Do "monkey needs a hug" for no.

Monkey needs a hug.

Are you gonna be a good toy? [silence] Are you gonna be a good toy?!

Monkey loves you.

You'd better.

Rolo Haynes

[narrating] Anyhow, in the end, Parker got tired of his new toy. But that's kids. They're ingrates.

Monkey needs a hug.

Nish

Whoa... Wait, so this is a crime museum. Where's the crime in this?

Rolo Haynes

Well, the monkey is the crime. See, a couple of years back, the UN made it illegal to transfer human consciousnesses into limited formats like this. Gotta be able to express at least five emotions for it to be humane, apparently. [chuckles] Human rights for cookies! Right, Carrie?

Monkey needs a hug.

Nish

[shocked] She's still in there?

Rolo Haynes

[nonchalantly] It'd be illegal to delete her too, so yeah. [chuckles] Go figure. Anyhow, ACLU raised one heck of a stink, and so thanks to this son of a monkey, I was out on my ass from TCKR. Not even a severance package. It's why I started this place. Had to branch out somehow, and it appealed to the carny in me, I guess.

Monkey needs a hug.

Nish

But he never did get that pardon.

Rolo Haynes

Shit, no! 'Cause he was guilty!

Nish

But wasn't there some doubt? You know, that documentary?

Rolo Haynes

Fake news! Hatchet job!

Nish

What about the DNA tampering?

Rolo Haynes

Seriously? There's no doubt about it! The day he got the chair was a great day for justice. Clayton couldn't complain. I mean, he was gonna be a pioneer. I was gonna slurp up his entire consciousness. He'd be the first guy on death row to survive his own execution.

Nish

Is it hot? It's humid, right? I'm sorry. Easy to hack. "Never accept drinks from strangers." [places a mind-transferring device on Haynes' face] My daddy taught me that. Going by the colour of your lips, you're gonna be gone in thirty seconds. Hey, don't worry. We're gonna see you on the other side...

MODERN FUCKING COMPANIES! EVERYONE LOOKS SO FUCKING YOUNG! How is anybody looking in supposed to have a sense of the... fucking hierarchy?! Jesus Christ! Half of you cunts coming out of that building are dressed like fucking gap year students! I mean, what...?! FUCK! Children! The whole Smithereen building is a box full of fucking children getting their fingers everywhere! [makes beeps and mimics wiping a phone] Wiping your shit, your fucking app shit up everybody's phone! Everywhere you look, people are hooked on the things! It's like... it's like chain-smoking! Did you make a lot of cash out of that, did you?! And you lot are hooked on them as well! Every single person that comes out of that building is like... [mimics using phone again] People don't even look up anymore! The sky could turn fucking purple and you cunts wouldn't notice for a month! You didn't look up, and look where that got you! Sitting in the back like that! [after a moment's silence] An intern! WHY DIDN'T YOU DRESS LIKE A FUCKING INTERN?! JESUS!

GET THIS FUCKING CABLE OUT OF MY ASS! Holy shit, it's like a wire anchor in my butthole!

Can you drive this thing?

I think so.

You think so?

Hey, "I can do anything if I just believe in myself!"

Oh yeah? Well, I wanna believe that we'll arrive in one fucking piece!

Ashley, go to sleep.

Yeah, that's not gonna work anymore, 'kay?

Shit.

Why is that thing talking like that? All real?

They broke the limiter, so I'm you. Your whole brain, I'm all of you.

I can't believe there's two of you!

That thing isn't all of me. I'm all of me.

Really? Senior high, I had, like, a major crush on Ryan Simmons, but he was just not interested, so I made out with his little brother Stevie, even though his braces scratched my teeth, and-- Oh, actually, Stevie was the first guy I ever--

You have to shut up.

[taps her jeep's window] Hey. Can I talk to you? You with an agency? I can pay. For those pictures. Five hundred dollars? You're killing me. Please.

[ignoring his pleas] Shit...

Lady, please. You can't do this. You're killing me!

Fuck... [drives away]

FUCKING ANIMAL!

The first step is to recognize that you're not in control of this. It has taken you over. And you must be humble in the face of it. I've arranged a place where we can take you. Private, out of town, just for a few days. You need isolation. Away from anyone and anything.

Dr. Babich... Can you get me better?

Well, it's about getting you through tonight. And then the next night. Then we see.

Gaap

It's only three killings. Like I said, animals don't count. You have to do humans. And there's gotta be a cadence to it. One a day. It's one kill a day. That is fewer people than die falling off ladders in the same time period. You'd be less lethal than a ladder.

Gaap

Look, basically, anyone who's already been directly responsible for the death of another human being, they're off-limits. Once that's happened, as far as my boss is concerned, they're playing for the home team.

Gaap

Evening, all.

[chuckles sadly] I failed...

Gaap

Yeah, well, me too, so that's that. Just got word, they are casting me out. Eternal oblivion.

I'm so sorry.

Gaap

[after a short silence] D'you wanna come with me?

What?

Gaap

That's where I've been, checking the small print. The rules don't cover it. There's another loophole, apparently. They don't say anything about a human companion, so you could come with.

Into eternal oblivion?

Gaap

Oh no, it's much worse than that. It's with me.

I'll give it a go.

Jesus Christ, they've done it...

So, at the hive, the bees pass the nectar between themselves until it's gooey, and then they push it into the wax chamber until it becomes...? Anyone? Bobby.

It becomes honey.

That's right. Honey. Kids love honey. That's why parents love Honey Nugs. Whole grain chunks covered in golden Tupelo honey, the sweetest way to start your day. Honey Nugs, from Ditta. And can anyone tell me something with honey in it? Mickey.

Honey Nugs.

Honey Nugs.

What are... what are those?

The sweetest way to start your day.

Okay, if you say so. Anyone else?

Oh yeah, that's a commercial message.

Jesus Christ...

As in an... an advertisement?

It's something that we are trialing as a part of the evolution of our service. You must be in one of our test cells, let me just check and see--

So you're running ads through me? You're, like, giving me, like, commercial fucking Tourette's?

Okay, not all the customers appreciate the messages--

Ads! Those are ads!

Yes--

Not messages, ads!

They are designed to be contextually relevant to the situation that you're in. So they will stand out less in a conversation, they will be less intrusive--

That makes them worse!

What's your next trick? You gonna make my asshole whistle jingles?!

No, that's not part of our development.

Can we opt out of this shit?!

Of course you can. Yeah, all you need to do--

Is upgrade to Rivermind Plus.

That is right, Amanda. Upgrade.

We can't afford that. You people are sick.

Your studio, Keyworth Pictures, has the most incredible back catalogue. Noir thrillers, wartime romances, caper comedies - an unrivalled collection of heritage media.

By heritage, you mean old.

I mean, uh, vintage. You have a great reputation.

Fifty years ago, yes. Look, I know you're trying to blow smoke up my arse, but let's be real. My stages are empty. We're up to our knockers in debt. I was in Cannes last week, trying to sell our library to some streamers, and they were NFI.

NFI? As in "Non-Fungible"...?

"Not Fucking Interested". The Keyworth brand is not what it was. We're going under, and everybody knows it.

Well, I believe with your prestige content--

Please don't call it "content". Makes me heave.