You always know when you're in for a good night when theres a polar bear bleeding on the label.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Let's just, you know, get some ideas bouncing around. Sort of go crazy, you know, no rules...
Yeah, yeah, sort of anything goes-
[hysterically] No, not anything goes! I said no rules!
[Sitting at his desk with a typewriter]
I'll co-write this with... myself!
[Pulls out a second typewriter]
Here is the elephant; he's happy with his balloon. Oh no! It's gone! Where is it? It's not behind the rhino :[he and Bernard shake their heads drunkedly]: Look in the alligator's mouth,
MBManny and Bernard
It's not there either!
Ohhhh the Monkey's got it in the tree! He brings it back
MBManny and Bernard
They all drink lemonade. The End!
But you hated school, you had a terrible time.
I've never said that!
You don't have to say anything, I just look at your life now and work backwards.
AMAnswer Machine
Yo, Manny! Paul here. The annual reggae barbeque on the barge is go, repeat go! Bring Pam or Sam or whatever her name is- [a short while later] Er Manny? Ah, Paul again. Listen, sorry I forgot to say; please don't bring that grumpy Irish bastard-! [Bernard switches the machine off angrily]
You are being very mean to Manny.
I can't help it. He looks like a horse, in a man costume!
MPMoo-Pa
Shop's still called Black Books, I see?
Yeah. I was gonna call it World Of Tights, but you know how stupid people are; you have to spell everything out!
[After Bernard has taken up gambling and is looking through the Racing Form to develop a 'system']
There's only one system: bet, lose, borrow, steal, lose, take the drugs, lose, prison... death.
Don't get pious; you started me off.
That was a just a flutter; this is Satan's bingo.
[An American tourist comes into the shop looking for a book on modern warfare]
Military history is on your right.
TTourist
I don't want your little history grotto. I want modern warfare, infrared, fallout, killzones.
Military history is on your right. If you have any questions just fire a couple of rounds into the ceiling!
[Bernard owes money to his elderly landlady]
She doesn't need any more money! She already has all the blue hair and toffee and pop socks a person could want! Tell her to stop or...we'll cut the brakes on her Stairmaster.
I'll tell you where you should go, Venezuela. It's amazing
JJason
Yeah, dear old Venny. Been there have you?
Yes, I have actually, yes. I went kayaking in the swamps of the Barracas.
JJason
North or south?
North.
JJason
[Dismissive] Ah, very nice, north. The tourist swamps.
I don’t remember that.
Do you remember that night last week when you slept in a revolving door?
...no...
Okay, do you remember when you ran out of tobacco so you smoked your own pubic hair?
Not especially, no.
It was in between those two things.
[After Manny foils Bernard's attempt to kill Benson]
So you admit you deliberately stepped in front of the bullet?
[softly] Yes.
And wantonly sprayed blood from your head wound across the shop?
[softly] Yes.
Before going to waste time writhing around on an 'emergency operating table'?
[softly] Yes.
[hands Manny an affidavit and a pen] Sign here. No wages for seven years. If it wasn't for you, that cat would be where he belongs: in Hell, being chased by giant mice!
I've had an idea for your event Manny.
Great!
Yes, you could get everyone come into the shop to vote for what they think it's the most stylish city in Europe.
(begins to chuckle)
Then...
(continues chuckling)
At the end of the week you can...
(continues chuckling)
What?
Europe... you are funny Fran. I hardly think your little jaunts to Europe count as travel.
Well, pardon me!
This is not a festival for tourists! We've got an explorer coming in, he's giving a talk! The the the... legendary, famously charming Jason Hamilton.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Black Books pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.