Bernard quotes from Black Books

Bernard

[reading form] "What is your mother's maiden name?" What's her first name?! I just knew her as "Ma"! That'll have to do. [Scribbles onto the form] Ma...possibly deceased.

Bernard

[To skinheads] Which one of you bitches wants to dance?

Bernard

Well, whores will have their trinkets

Bernard

If you're gonna give the guy pencils for drinking his wine, you're talking about, you know, magic pencils. You draw a cow, the cow comes to life – those kind of pencils!

Bernard

[Very drunk] Why do you have a toaster in your bathroom? I'm on the toilet, right, and then Jimmy comes in, and he's drinking milk from the fridge, and that's all wrong - it's unhygienic. And what were you thinking when you said to yourselves, "Oh yeah, I'll get a wicker toilet"?

Bernard

You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

Bernard

I like the dead bees on the windowsill! They don't leave the door open and get us robbed!

Bernard

Don't make me laugh... bitterly. Fran will fail, you will toil your life away and I will die alone upside down on the floor of a pub toilet.

Bernard

[To Fran] You! What did you say to Kate? She thinks I'm the Renaissance. She'll think I've lied! I've had to go along with all this "reclusive genius" stuff. She's going to be very upset when she finds out I'm just a reclusive wanker!

Bernard

I've got to get a girlfriend, just for the summer, until this wears off. She'll be a summery girl. She'll have hair. She'll have summery friends who know how to be outside. She'll play tennis and wear dresses and have bare feet, and in the autumn, I'll ditch her, because she's my summer girl!

Bernard

Hello! I've come to serenade you. I can't play guitar. I can't play this either, but I thought it'd be less obvious.

Bernard

I will have no malingerers in my shop. Now go and fetch me my lolly!

Bernard

[About Fran who is looking for a job]] You can sort your life out anytime; the pub closes in five hours.

Bernard

[Regarding a violent, ugly gangster - Danny] Look at that face! I bet his Corn Flakes tried to crawl out of the bowl!

Bernard

I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.