Fran quotes from Black Books

Fran

[surveying the contents of her shop] I do sell a lot of wank, don't I?

Fran

Oh my god! Mickey Rourke had another facelift. He looks like his trousers.

Fran

You always know when you're in for a good night when theres a polar bear bleeding on the label.

Fran

[offering Bernard a mysterious object....] Bernard, do you want this? Buy this.

Bernard

What is it?

Fran

It's a thing.

Bernard

Is it?

Fran

Yes.

Bernard

What does it do?

Fran

[after considering] It's very in.

Bernard

You don't know what it is, do you?

Fran

I-it's very now.

Fran

Bernard, finished your accounts?

Bernard

Yeah I turned them into a rather smart casual jacket.

Fran

Well, where is he? How can I find him?

Bernard

Well, you could become a terrible event and happen to him.

Fran

You know, in Tibet, if they want something, do you know what they do? They give something away.

Bernard

They do, do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power.

Fran

So what's it like, then, fags and booze?

Bernard

Well. To be honest. After years of smoking and drinking, you do sometimes look at yourself and think.

Fran

Yep...

Bernard

You know, just sometimes in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that 400th glass of corner shop piss at 3AM, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...

Fran

Yeah...

Bernard

"This is fantastic. I'm in heaven."

Fran

No thanks, I'm not hungry.

Manny

Oh no, they're not for you, just chuck them under the bed.

Fran

Why? What's under there?

Manny

Dunno. We just call it... the thing.

Fran

At least the natives thought Manny was their God.

Manny

[Thoughtfully] Yes, it'll be some time before I want to sacrifice another monkey.

Bernard

[Snapping and grabbing Manny's collar] WE SAID WE WOULDN'T TALK ABOUT CANADA!!

Manny

Do you have your keys?

Bernard

No. I left them in the bag, which you kindly unburdened us of by losing!

Manny

Ah.

Bernard

What do you mean 'Ah'?

Manny

It's just I think my keys may have been in there too.

Bernard

Were they? [chuckles] Funny thing, travel; it's just one thing after another. You're fired.

Fran

Oh, now look...

Bernard

And after I dislodge and return your thong, I never want to see you again either!

Bernard

No, I don't accept your apology! Give it another thirty years, and take this [indicates Manny] with you!

Fran

Bernard...

Bernard

What?

Fran

Do you want to come outside?

Bernard

I'm cold! I've got chilblains, tinnitus and thrush! If you wanna fight, come inside!

Fran

Morning.

Bernard

[Spying on Manny through the wall again] He’s bending down now. Ah, look, he’s getting up again. I knew he’d do that.

Fran

Is this really helping?

Bernard

Look, now he’s going up on that little ladder; up he goes with that little wiggle of his, the wiggle of Judas, the Judas boogie.

Bernard

But you hated school, you had a terrible time.

Fran

I've never said that!

Bernard

You don't have to say anything, I just look at your life now and work backwards.

Fran

You are being very mean to Manny.

Bernard

I can't help it. He looks like a horse, in a man costume!