I am a loose lily drifting down an amber river
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[offering Bernard a mysterious object....] Bernard, do you want this? Buy this.
What is it?
It's a thing.
Is it?
Yes.
What does it do?
[after considering] It's very in.
You don't know what it is, do you?
I-it's very now.
[surveying the contents of her shop] I do sell a lot of wank, don't I?
[reading form] "What is your mother's maiden name?" What's her first name?! I just knew her as "Ma"! That'll have to do. [Scribbles onto the form] Ma...possibly deceased.
[reading form] Did your non-returnable outgoings for the first half of the year- [someone knocks on the door] Ah, thank Christ! [goes and answers the door] Yes?
M1Man 1
Hello, we were wondering whether we could talk to you about Jesus?
[beat] Great! Come in!
M1Man 1
What?
I'd love to hear about Jesus, what's he up to now? Come on, come on in.
M1Man 1
Er... are you sure?
Yes, in, in, come in!
M2Man 2
[worriedly] It's a trick!
M1Man 1
It's just... generally... people don't say yes.
Well, I'm not people! Come on in, let's talk beliefs!
Bernard, finished your accounts?
Yeah I turned them into a rather smart casual jacket.
Add a drop of lavender to your bath and soon, you will soak yourself calm.
[To skinheads] Have you ever noticed a calm person with a loud voice?
[To skinheads] Which one of you bitches wants to dance?
[Concussed, confusing his calming tips] Add a dab of lavender to your milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.
Bernard [after being woken up by Manny]: Am I dead?
No.
Bernard [looks at Manny]: Who are you, have I joined a cult?
Bernard [about the job]: The pay's not great, but the work is hard.
What do they want from me? Why can't they leave me alone? I mean, what do they want from me?
They want to buy books.
Yeah, but why me? Why do they come to me?
Well, because you sell books.
Yeah, I know but...
[reading Bernard's blackboard of shop rules] No mobiles, no... wigwams?.
Walkmans!
[reading] No snoity... car... snoi-- This is indecipherable!
Look, it is perfectly simple. [walks over to board and points out rules as he recites them] No mobiles! No walkmans! [points at rule number three and pauses] None of that! Or any of the others!
[squinting] ...Singe, bugger, cack.
Signed, Bernard L. Black!
Oh. What's the L stand for?
Ludwig. You know, Beethoven.
So, why did your parents decide to name you... ?
[glares suspiciously at Manny at the mention of "parents"; puts up a face which reminds of Ludwig van Beethoven] What?!
[brief pause] Never mind.
Well, whores will have their trinkets
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