[After killing one of the unseen creatures using a coffee machine]
I did it! I got the queen!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
CCustomer
Look, there's no other way to say this, but I didn't come in here to be insulted.
Well, I didn't ask for the job of insulting you. In another life, we could have been brothers. Running a small, quirky taverna in Sicily. Maybe we would have married the local twins instead of wasting each other's time here in this dump. But it was not to be. So hop it.
You know, in Tibet, if they want something, do you know what they do? They give something away.
They do, do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power.
The only thing that's going to bring me inner peace is a beard-seeking missile!
So what's it like, then, fags and booze?
Well. To be honest. After years of smoking and drinking, you do sometimes look at yourself and think.
Yep...
You know, just sometimes in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that 400th glass of corner shop piss at 3AM, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...
Yeah...
"This is fantastic. I'm in heaven."
[Manny hands Fran bananas after she decides to sleep in Bernard's bed]
No thanks, I'm not hungry.
Oh no, they're not for you, just chuck them under the bed.
Why? What's under there?
Dunno. We just call it... the thing.
[After the disastrous holiday; recalling a dark voyage down a river]
At least the natives thought Manny was their God.
[Thoughtfully] Yes, it'll be some time before I want to sacrifice another monkey.
[Snapping and grabbing Manny's collar] WE SAID WE WOULDN'T TALK ABOUT CANADA!!
Do you have your keys?
No. I left them in the bag, which you kindly unburdened us of by losing!
Ah.
What do you mean 'Ah'?
It's just I think my keys may have been in there too.
Were they? [chuckles] Funny thing, travel; it's just one thing after another. You're fired.
Oh, now look...
And after I dislodge and return your thong, I never want to see you again either!
Bernard': [to Manny] GET AWAY FROM ME! It was a thrill to recreate with you, but now our association ends! You have brought nothing but pain, penury and strife into my days! I wish you good fortune in whatever avenue of life you assault with your presence. Here's your redundancy package: I'm sorry it's mostly in Phrenobian wooden dollars but that's largely your fault! Now, good luck and goodbye!
No, I don't accept your apology! Give it another thirty years, and take this [indicates Manny] with you!
Bernard...
What?
Do you want to come outside?
I'm cold! I've got chilblains, tinnitus and thrush! If you wanna fight, come inside!
EEvan
I took a risk when I employed you, Manny...Don't eat muffins when I'm developing you! I took a risk when I gave you a job. A lot of people would have said, "Who is this rudderless hippy? How do I get away from him? Has he got a hunting knife strapped to his shin?"
[About Evan] Bernard! He wants my hair!
[To Evan] How dare you?! Don't you touch a hair on that boy's head! Have you no respect? He's mine! Get your own human play-thing, you quartz-brained little cream puff!
[Looking at Manny through a hole in the wall] There. There he is. Half Iago. Half Fu Manchu. All bastard.
EEvan
Look at me, Manny. What do you see?
Well...
EEvan
I’ll tell you. You see me and you say, "Hey, there’s Evan. He’s a young guy, he likes the Stereophonics, he rides a scooter. Lets see how far I can push him." But you’ve let me down, Manny!
Morning.
[Spying on Manny through the wall again] He’s bending down now. Ah, look, he’s getting up again. I knew he’d do that.
Is this really helping?
Look, now he’s going up on that little ladder; up he goes with that little wiggle of his, the wiggle of Judas, the Judas boogie.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Black Books pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.