A character in Black Books
Played by Dylan Moran
Black Books · 89 quotes
Most-quoted character in Black Books: in 63 of its 89 quotes
Most scenes with: Manny (19), Fran (14)
BernardNo one is willing to admit that wine doesn't actually have a taste.
But you can't taste anything, you smoke eighty bajillion cigarettes a day. What's that?
BernardWhat?
What's that you're eating?
BernardIt's some sort of delicious biscuit.
It's a coaster.
BernardIs it? Are there any more?
You think I should wash my beard?
BernardYes, I think you should wash it. Then you should shave it off, nail it to a frisbee, and fling it over a rainbow.
BernardExcuse me there seems to be some sort of mistake. I bought a drink and some popcorn and now I have no money.
That's how much it costs.
BernardWhy? Is it special popcorn? Does it produce some kind of dizzying high?
[Shows Bernard a video] This is the latest. Set in a women's prison. £25.
BernardDo you have anything with nurses?
Yeah, sure, all sorts.
BernardWhat kinds of nurses?
Well, ones with big tits!
BernardNo, I'm more interested in nurses who do paperwork, filing, that sort of thing.
That's very specific. Oh how about this? [Shows him another video] "Administrative Nurses", £40.
BernardSorry, that should say "Senior Administrative Nurses", that's really the only thing I'm interested in.
[The pornographer lifts his thumb to reveal the video's full title, "Senior Administrative Nurses"]
BernardWell, maybe we could sit down, open a bottle of wine and watch it together?
[Manny has run away and suffered a series of unfortunate calamities while on the phone with Bernard]
Well, where is he? How can I find him?
BernardWell, you could become a terrible event and happen to him.
I won't do it.
BernardThat is a pity. Well, I hope you enjoy your weekend repricing every single individual book in the shop, because they've all just gone up by a penny.
BernardWhat did he say, the midget?
You mustn't call him a midget...
Bernard(Moves right up into Manny's face) He's a midget. A tiny midget.
What if he hears you?
BernardHE WON'T, HIS EARS ARE TOO SMALL!!!
If I can't read by Friday, you'll both be brown bread, buttered, with Harry, on the boat. (Leaves after whacking Manny on the chest who then bends over in pain, whining)
Bernard(Whines with Manny) Who's Harry?! (Whines again) I don't have a boat!
BernardPerhaps you'd like me to put the price down.
Well I was thinking two pounds.
BernardBecause three pounds is just naked profiteering for a book of a mere... [checks the back pages of the book] 912 pages long. What'll I do with that extra pound? I'll add another acre to the grounds. I'll chuck a few more koi carp in my piano shaped pond. No, I know, I'll build a wing on the National Gallery with my name on it.
Two fifty.
BernardThat's more like it. Now you're being reasonable. [takes the book back and opens it] Two fifty gets you...[rips a few pages out of the book] this much. You can come back and collect the rest when you have the other 50p.
But you--
Bernard[Hits bell] Thank you!
[Customer walks out]
Bernard...
BernardDon't start, customer lover.
I was just going to say, I'm off to get the paint.
BernardWhat for? The shop's the way it is because it is the way it is. [Pause] If it wasn't the way it is, it wouldn't be the way it is.
It needs doing.
BernardIt's charming. It has character.
Character is an ambience, a feeling. It's not something with fur and a beak.
[As if to illustrate his point, a strange oinking noise starts from somewhere on the floor - Manny moves over to a bookshelf, grabs a whip and kills the unseen monster, then adds a tally mark to the blackboard]
They've moved the nest again. I was going to get two brushes, by the way.
BernardYou can paint with both hands, that's nice.
Well, I was kind of thinking that-
BernardNo, you weren't, you just thought you were thinking.
Well maybe if-
BernardNo.
But if-
BernardNO! [Manny gives up and walks out, but Bernard has his head turned and doesn't see] I don't want to be bothered, [Fran comes in] you big, hairy... [Looks back and sees Fran] Oh, hello.
Bernard, where's the thing?
BernardIt's on the thing on top of the thing!
Look, there's no other way to say this, but I didn't come in here to be insulted.
BernardWell, I didn't ask for the job of insulting you. In another life, we could have been brothers. Running a small, quirky taverna in Sicily. Maybe we would have married the local twins instead of wasting each other's time here in this dump. But it was not to be. So hop it.
You know, in Tibet, if they want something, do you know what they do? They give something away.
BernardThey do, do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power.
So what's it like, then, fags and booze?
BernardWell. To be honest. After years of smoking and drinking, you do sometimes look at yourself and think.
Yep...
BernardYou know, just sometimes in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that 400th glass of corner shop piss at 3AM, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...
Yeah...
Bernard"This is fantastic. I'm in heaven."
[After the disastrous holiday; recalling a dark voyage down a river]
At least the natives thought Manny was their God.
[Thoughtfully] Yes, it'll be some time before I want to sacrifice another monkey.
Bernard[Snapping and grabbing Manny's collar] WE SAID WE WOULDN'T TALK ABOUT CANADA!!
Do you have your keys?
BernardNo. I left them in the bag, which you kindly unburdened us of by losing!
Ah.
BernardWhat do you mean 'Ah'?
It's just I think my keys may have been in there too.
BernardWere they? [chuckles] Funny thing, travel; it's just one thing after another. You're fired.
Oh, now look...
BernardAnd after I dislodge and return your thong, I never want to see you again either!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Black Books pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
