Bernard quotes from Black Books

Bernard

No, I don't accept your apology! Give it another thirty years, and take this [indicates Manny] with you!

Fran

Bernard...

Bernard

What?

Fran

Do you want to come outside?

Bernard

I'm cold! I've got chilblains, tinnitus and thrush! If you wanna fight, come inside!

Manny

[About Evan] Bernard! He wants my hair!

Bernard

[To Evan] How dare you?! Don't you touch a hair on that boy's head! Have you no respect? He's mine! Get your own human play-thing, you quartz-brained little cream puff!

Fran

Morning.

Bernard

[Spying on Manny through the wall again] He’s bending down now. Ah, look, he’s getting up again. I knew he’d do that.

Fran

Is this really helping?

Bernard

Look, now he’s going up on that little ladder; up he goes with that little wiggle of his, the wiggle of Judas, the Judas boogie.

Bernard

Let's just, you know, get some ideas bouncing around. Sort of go crazy, you know, no rules...

Manny

Yeah, yeah, sort of anything goes-

Bernard

[hysterically] No, not anything goes! I said no rules!

Manny

Here is the elephant; he's happy with his balloon. Oh no! It's gone! Where is it? It's not behind the rhino :[he and Bernard shake their heads drunkedly]: Look in the alligator's mouth,

It's not there either!

Manny

Ohhhh the Monkey's got it in the tree! He brings it back

They all drink lemonade. The End!

Bernard

But you hated school, you had a terrible time.

Fran

I've never said that!

Bernard

You don't have to say anything, I just look at your life now and work backwards.

Fran

You are being very mean to Manny.

Bernard

I can't help it. He looks like a horse, in a man costume!

Shop's still called Black Books, I see?

Bernard

Yeah. I was gonna call it World Of Tights, but you know how stupid people are; you have to spell everything out!

Manny

There's only one system: bet, lose, borrow, steal, lose, take the drugs, lose, prison... death.

Bernard

Don't get pious; you started me off.

Manny

That was a just a flutter; this is Satan's bingo.

Bernard

Military history is on your right.

I don't want your little history grotto. I want modern warfare, infrared, fallout, killzones.

Bernard

Military history is on your right. If you have any questions just fire a couple of rounds into the ceiling!

Bernard

I don’t remember that.

Fran

Do you remember that night last week when you slept in a revolving door?

Bernard

...no...

Fran

Okay, do you remember when you ran out of tobacco so you smoked your own pubic hair?

Bernard

Not especially, no.

Fran

It was in between those two things.

Bernard

So you admit you deliberately stepped in front of the bullet?

Manny

[softly] Yes.

Bernard

And wantonly sprayed blood from your head wound across the shop?

Manny

[softly] Yes.

Bernard

Before going to waste time writhing around on an 'emergency operating table'?

Manny

[softly] Yes.

Bernard

[hands Manny an affidavit and a pen] Sign here. No wages for seven years. If it wasn't for you, that cat would be where he belongs: in Hell, being chased by giant mice!

Bernard

And what am I supposed to do when you're doing the underpants charleston with this insane, blind tart?!

Manny

Why are you getting so angry?

Bernard

I can't help being angry when I'm furious!

Fran

Bernard, why aren't you dancing?

Bernard

There's no music.

Fran

Well, sing us a song - you're Irish.

Manny

She's nice.

Bernard

Oh, she's nice is she? Don't make me get sick into my own scorn. Does she play the viola, does she embroider, is she kind to the servants?