Bernard quotes from Black Books

Bernard

The only thing that's going to bring me inner peace is a beard-seeking missile!

Bernard

[Looking at Manny through a hole in the wall] There. There he is. Half Iago. Half Fu Manchu. All bastard.

Bernard

I'll co-write this with... myself!

Bernard

She doesn't need any more money! She already has all the blue hair and toffee and pop socks a person could want! Tell her to stop or...we'll cut the brakes on her Stairmaster.

Bernard

[while taking and reading Hamilton's book summary] :

Bernard

Haha!

Bernard

Men have a different way of noticing hair and appearance. Which is not noticing.

Bernard

I tell you what, we are going to this party, because I'm trying to picture this "girl" who "likes you" and all I can see is you in a dress.

Bernard

And who is she anyway, this so-called person!?

Bernard

I don't mean this in a bad way, but genetically you are a cul-de-sac.

Bernard

The music was too loud, the food was cold, the drinks were few, and the people were many. It was everything I expected, and less. I'm never going outside again unless I need someplace to throw up.

Fran

[offering Bernard a mysterious object....] Bernard, do you want this? Buy this.

Bernard

What is it?

Fran

It's a thing.

Bernard

Is it?

Fran

Yes.

Bernard

What does it do?

Fran

[after considering] It's very in.

Bernard

You don't know what it is, do you?

Fran

I-it's very now.

Bernard

[reading form] Did your non-returnable outgoings for the first half of the year- [someone knocks on the door] Ah, thank Christ! [goes and answers the door] Yes?

Hello, we were wondering whether we could talk to you about Jesus?

Bernard

[beat] Great! Come in!

What?

Bernard

I'd love to hear about Jesus, what's he up to now? Come on, come on in.

Er... are you sure?

Bernard

Yes, in, in, come in!

[worriedly] It's a trick!

It's just... generally... people don't say yes.

Bernard

Well, I'm not people! Come on in, let's talk beliefs!

Fran

Bernard, finished your accounts?

Bernard

Yeah I turned them into a rather smart casual jacket.

Bernard

What do they want from me? Why can't they leave me alone? I mean, what do they want from me?

Manny

They want to buy books.

Bernard

Yeah, but why me? Why do they come to me?

Manny

Well, because you sell books.

Bernard

Yeah, I know but...

Manny

[reading Bernard's blackboard of shop rules] No mobiles, no... wigwams?.

Bernard

Walkmans!

Manny

[reading] No snoity... car... snoi-- This is indecipherable!

Bernard

Look, it is perfectly simple. [walks over to board and points out rules as he recites them] No mobiles! No walkmans! [points at rule number three and pauses] None of that! Or any of the others!

Manny

[squinting] ...Singe, bugger, cack.

Bernard

Signed, Bernard L. Black!

Manny

Oh. What's the L stand for?

Bernard

Ludwig. You know, Beethoven.

Manny

So, why did your parents decide to name you... ?

Bernard

[glares suspiciously at Manny at the mention of "parents"; puts up a face which reminds of Ludwig van Beethoven] What?!

Manny

[brief pause] Never mind.