Seriously, I was like, "why is your dad having sex with a messenger bag on?" and then I was like "oh, those are his balls." I can't get 'em out of my mind, you know? It's like, is he seeing a doctor? Because there could be something wrong. It's weird, too, because they're veiny but there's no hair. It's smooth. That's the weight, right? Pulling down the skin? I honestly wonder if he ever poops on his own balls. He's probably gotta drape 'em outside the toilet. Maybe that's how he came up with the illuminated toilet seat. I told some kid about that and he went on Shark Tank and made millions. I feel like I should tell your dad, but I'm scared he's gonna hit me in the head with that big pillowcase full of watermelons. Ah, the boy is asleep. What a kid. And what a set of nuts. Jesus Christ, what a thing to live up to.
S1 E5Girls Are Horny Too
S1 E6Pillow Talk
Dolphoodle. It's a cross between a dolphin and a poodle. Andrew, you know him.
I promise you I don't. Oh, dear God in heaven. Uh, hi, boy.
No, don't, my friend. Kevin eats fingers. He thinks they're baby corn.
Andrew, remember what I never told you! A scream can be music!
All right, it's clear what happened here: the pillow, in a fit of rage, threw the sexy child magician down the stairs.
S1 E7Requiem for a Wet Dream
I couldn't sleep.
I know, me neither. I don't know about you, but I was thinking about the Caldera and how we need to savor every moment before life is ripped from us by a storm of airborne ejecta.
Ejecta? Oh, she wants it. You should take out your penis.
My mom says I'm sweet and that's why spiders keep biting me.
Andrew, let me in! I will not be ignored! I will burn this place to the ground and fuck the ashes! I have been blowing loads since the dawn of time!
That's why I like watching The Diane Show. You can tell she cooks with love. Or whatever. Who cares? Not me. Fuck you.
S1 E8The Head Push
I shouldn't have pushed my mons pubis up against you.
Your mom's what?
I never wanted to tame you, I just wanted to keep a toothbrush and a few spare dicks at your apartment!
Maury, why is this all so complicated?
I know I'm a broken record on this, but Mercury is in retrograde.
Enough with the astrology.
Spoken like a two-faced fuckin' Gemini.
I mean, how else are guys supposed to get blowjobs?
You lean your head back, arch your crotch in the air and say "Dinner is served."
S1 E9I Survived Jessi's Bat Mitzvah
I mean, look at you! You're like a square, sexy box. I just want to, like, take you to FedEx and fill you full of packing peanuts.
Stop! I hate this dress. My stupid mother made me get it.
Oh, yeah, moms are so stupid. They're always passing out drunk in the bath instead of signing your field trip permission slip.
With all due respect, Connie, this girl's a little fucking cunt, and me and the boy are going to kill ourselves tonight.
Now stick your pinky in his little toffee-colored tushy!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Big Mouth pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.