Veridian Dynamics. Every day, something we make makes your life better. Power. We make that. Technology. We make that. Cows. Well, no. We don't make cows, although we have made a sheep. And medicines, and airplane engines, and whatever this is, and all sorts of things. Veridian Dynamics. Every day, something we make makes your life better. Usually.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
We want to weaponize a pumpkin.
Then so do I. ...Because?
There's a country with whom we do business that grows a great deal of pumpkins and would welcome additional uses for them... as well as cheaper ways to kill their enemies.
Well, finally, the pumpkin gets to do something besides Halloween.
Pie.
...Halloween and pie.
Ted. The drones working on the spy drone came up with this cheap fabric. Find another use for it.
Hmm, it's good texture... coloration... maybe a breakfast meat.
Are you serious? We want to be in that business.
No. You.. you have to lighten up.
Maybe I'm too funny. Maybe I was joking about not getting your joke.
Uhm....
I'm so angry about the toilet paper. Why couldn't they leave it next to the toilet? That proximity was so elegant.
They think that if it's harder to reach, that we'll use less of it.
They've destroyed going to the bathroom for me. It used to be just a weird human function. Now it's actively stressful.
Ok, look, just take the roll off of the dispenser, and bring it with you, before you sit. That's what I do.
Wha... That's not normal, Phil!
It becomes normal if you keep doing it. Everything does.
Your guys would do anything for you, Ted. They've got, what's that thing again? Underlings have it. Loyalty.
He's a better man than you.
Agreed.
People are squirming. The fabric's not comfortable.
Squirming? Or are they just enjoying it so much they want their whole body to rub against it?
Never give up. That’s what I always tell my daughter. She tells me to stop telling her, but I tell her I can’t, because that would be giving up.
Ted, there’s been a spill—oh, hi Veronica. It’s nothing.
Hi Phil. Actually, you’re the reason I’m here.
Oh, really?
Yes, you can go now.
But, I—
I’m here to talk about you, not to you.
I’m sorry.
[Phil leaves room]
We want to freeze Phil.
Excuse me?
Phil. The company wants to cryonically freeze him. Just for a year to see if it’s possible. We think it is.
You think it’s possible?
Yes, Mr. Negative. We do. We’ve developed a chemical which allows us to rapidly freeze live animal tissue without it exploding and, fingers crossed, we’re ready for human testing.
Your presentation sucks.
[speaking on the phone] No, the zebra and the toaster are friends. So-
Ahem.
I have to go. No, that doesn't make the toaster mean. He's not a sociopath, he just doesn't want to make toast anymore. [hangs up the phone and turns to Ted] Hi...that a new... shirt?
Oh, that's cool. Let's pretend that phone call wasn't odd.
BBamba
I’ve never seen a man explode from the inside: a rabbit, an eel, a goat, a monkey, and a reindeer. But that’s all.
I’m out.
Veridian Dynamics. We're the future of food, developing the next generation of food and food-like products. Tomatoes... the size of this baby, lemon-flavored fish, chickens that lay 16 eggs a day, which is a lot for a chicken, organic vegetables chock-full of antidepressants. At Veridian Dynamics, we can even make radishes so spicy that people can't eat them, but we're not, because people can't eat them. Veridian Dynamics. Food. Yum.
How did I get wet?
No one knows. [pause] Perhaps you urinated.
In my face?
Why is there never any creamer?
Ants. No, ghosts. No, I don’t know.
JJerome
It tastes familiar…
Beef?
JJerome
No…
Chicken? We’ll take chicken.
JJerome
[Shakes head.]
What does it taste like?
JJerome
Despair.
Is it possible it just needs salt?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Better Off Ted pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.