TV show quotes
We may have created a monster in the lab.
It's not a monster. It's a cyborg that can kill without remorse.
I was talking about Phil. What are you talking about?
[pause] I was also talking about Phil. [Ted gives her a look] It's classified. But it's gonna be a fantastic new tool, if we can get it to tell the difference between soldiers and children.
Veridian Dynamics. We're a family, just like yours. But we don't waste our time throwing leaves around. We put our family to work. We mean real work. Not just eating mush. Our Veridian Dynamic family works for every member of your family. Even the dead ones. And we're working to bring them back and copy them, in case you lose them again. We love our family, which is why we work nights, weekends, and major holidays, because that's when families should be together. Veridian Dynamics. Families. Yay.
Kids. God's little awkward moment machines.
I can't go now, I have to watch Rose.
I can wash Rose.
...I said "watch" her, not "wash" her.
Hm, even easier.
The fact that you thought I was going to go wash Rose right now makes me think you might not know all that much about children.
I know they need to be cleaned.
Veridian Dynamics. Diversity: just the thought of it makes these white people smile. We believe everyone works best when they work together, even if they're just standing around. Just like we enjoy varieties of food, we enjoy varieties of people. Even though we can't eat them. At Veridian Dynamics, we're committed to a multiethnic workplace. You can shake on it. Veridian Dynamics. Diversity. Good for us.
Did you put hydrochloric acid in this mug?
Oh yeah, I was trying to get the stains out.
You know soap would work. And it wouldn’t kill someone if they accidentally drank it.
But soap leaves a film.
The system doesn't see black people?
I know. Weird, huh?
That's more than weird, Veronica. That's basically, well... racist.
The company's position is that it's actually the opposite of racist, because it's not targeting black people. It's just ignoring them. They insist the worst people can call it is "indifferent."
Well, they know it has to be fixed, right? Please... at least say they know that.
Of course they do, and they're working on it. In the meantime they'd like everyone to celebrate the fact that it sees Hispanics, Asians, Pacific Islanders, and Jews.
This is ridiculous, you have to talk to Veronica.
I’m going to.
No I mean you really have to.
I’m going to.
No, you won’t.
Yes, I might.
You have to stand up for yourself this time. This isn’t just delicious flavored coffee. It is your dignity we are talking about.
I have my dignity. Now will you please take me to the bathroom…All right I see your point.
I am really angry about this. Or just angry. You know, whatever feels right to you.
I’m different than other women, Ted. And by different, I mean better.
This tastes salty.
Well that’s because it’s salt you huge idiot.
[doesn’t hear because he's wearing headphones] What is it?
Salt. Salt. Salt!!
Veridian Dynamics. Competition: whether it's animals, or this old woman and baby, fighting to the death. Competition makes us stronger. In business, that means better products: pills that look like candy, hands that can shoot lightning, and a new generation of hurricane-proof dogs. Veridian Dynamics. Competition. It makes everything better.
Everyone at school hates me because I’m beating the disabled girl.
But everybody’s equal. We don’t see disabled people. Well we see them we just don’t care. Well we care we just don’t treat them differently. Although they do have their own parking.
Linda, you can't hurt a baby.
Well, you can hurt them. They're not indestructible.
I meant it's morally indefensible.
Well, what if the baby killed a man?
You and your moral puzzles. I just love 'em.
Veridian Dynamics. Individuals: we believe everyone is special, irreplaceable, and will follow the thing walking in front of it. That's why we celebrate all individuals, even ones going nowhere. Veridian Dynamics. Because you can't spell "individual" without "Veridian." And "U." And an "L."
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Better Off Ted pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
