Linda Zwordling quotes from Better Off Ted

I have my own little way of acting out.

Linda

Really?

Yeah.

Linda

What is it?

No, you're going to think it's strange.

Linda

Oh, come on. I told you my thing.

All right. Uh, twice a week after work, I put on a totally realistic bear costume and hang out in the park.

Linda

You what now?

Yeah, it makes me feel powerful. Mighty. I don't scare anyone. I sit around in the bushes, root around for berries. Once I pushed on a camper. You know, bear kind of stuff.

Linda

I may have a whole new career entertaining children instead of working for a place that uses them to assemble munitions.

Ted

Boy, who's gonna judge us when you're gone?

Linda

Can't we develop one product that doesn't end up being used to kill people? Even our fat-free cinnamon roll led to that new sticky bomb.

Veronica

You're so moral and perfect all the time. Do singing birds and mice dress you and brush your hair in the morning?

Linda

No. Although my dad does call me "Princess." And there is a grumpy dwarf in my building.

Veronica

A female mentor would have been very valuable for a young Veronica, bursting with potential, yet vulnerable, like a fawn in the woods, but tough, like a fawn in the woods with a machine gun.

Linda

So you're saying you, or this terrifying, murderous fawn, could have used some guidance?

Veronica

Yes, we would have liked that. We're going to raise more money for this charity than it ever has before. The forest will run red with the blood of woodland creatures who doubted little Veronica and will now pay with their furry little lives.

Linda

There's really no middle ground with you. Either you don't care at all, or you care 100-and-crazy-percent.

Veronica

What else is there? Now saddle up Linda, and say goodbye to common sense.

Linda

No. We're not done here. This woman opened her heart, and that happens so rarely you could hear the hinges squeek. I will not let you slam that rusty heart door shut.

Veronica

Go Linda, release your anger!

Linda

You will not crush this woman's spirit and love, you spineless, condescending bureaucrat.

Veronica

Good Linda, only your hatred can destroy him!

Linda

You sir, are a bad egg!

Veronica

Yes, now strike!

Linda

[after headbutting man]: Wow. Where did that come from?

Veronica

I am a good mentor!

Ted

[voiceover] How do you convince an eight-year old girl to go to a party she doesn't want to go to? I have no idea. So, I thought I'd ask someone who used to be an eight-year old girl.

Linda

Get her a beautiful, sparkly, pink party dress and a princess tiara. If she doesn't want it, I've got an event coming up I'd wear it to.

Ted

Actually, getting Rose a dress is a great idea. Thanks, Linda! You really are a girl!

Linda

Yes, I am. And it's not just the genitals. It's a whole lifestyle.

Ted

[whispering] We'll spread a rumour that we broke up. Then, when our pretend relationship's over, we can go back to being friends again

Linda

[whispering] That's a great idea! In fact, it's such a great idea, why wait for a rumour to spread? [loudly] You no good louse!

Ted

Oh dear.

Linda

That's right, Crisp. I'm breaking up with you, right here and right now.

Ted

Oh, then it's over. Bye. [Tries to leave]

Linda

You wanna know why?

Ted

Actually, I said "bye," not "why."

Linda

Ok, I'll tell you why. Because you're selfish. Everything is about your career, your job, your... hair! Then, after you neglect me, you realise how spectacular I am and you try to make it with gifts. Oh, the gifts!

Ted

I sound like a monster...

Linda

The jewelery, flowers, clothes, cattle. Cattle? Yes, cattle! What were you thinking?

Ted

Uh, they looked smaller in the catalog?

Linda

Well, they were huge. And you and I are through!