Jimmy McGill quotes from Better Call Saul

Jimmy

Hey, wouldn't it be great if we could do that every night?

Kim

Yes, it would... but we can't.

Jimmy

I know. Yeah. But I'm just saying, if we could, it would be great. But I know we can't.

Kim

Oh, crap, I can't be late today. Howard is doling out assignments and the last one through the door could get stuck in doc review. [beat] You got somewhere to go?

Jimmy

Yeah. Uh, yeah, I got somewhere.

Kim

...You good?

Jimmy

Yeah. All good.

Jimmy

Well, this all comes down to a personal dispute, that's all. It's between Mr. Wormald and uh, his "art patron".

Art patron?

Jimmy

Uh, yeah. My client has an arrangement with a wealthy gentleman for whom Mr. Wormald provides... art, in exchange for this gentleman's generous, eh... we'll call it patronage.

Art. Like what, paintings?

Jimmy

It's more like digital media.

Digital media?

Jimmy

He made videos for the man.

What kind of videos?

Jimmy

Private videos of an artistic nature. That's what was in the hiding place, that's what it was for.

...So this "art patron" stole the videos and the baseball cards?

Jimmy

Well, there was a misunderstanding. I mean, call it creative differences. Artists are volatile creatures! Guys, this all comes down to just a lover's spat, okay? Two consenting adults had a falling out, that happens, and the patron stole the videos and the baseball cards, to make a point, I guess. But the headline here is: it's all settled, hearts have mended and Mr. Wormald will not be pressing charges.

What was on these videos?

Jimmy

They were private.

You said that.

Jimmy

They were videos intended... to titillate the senses.

Okay, so porn.

Jimmy

Not—No. Not as such. Technically, they would be categorized as fetish videos, but nothing illegal. Just a man–a fully clothed man, I might add–just all by himself. Just–just Mr. Wormald, fully clothed... uh, yeah. So-

Yeah, alright. So, fully clothed Mr. Wormald by himself... doing what?

Yeah, come on, man. What?

Jimmy

[sighs] Squat cobbler.

What's a s-squat cobbler?

Jimmy

Squat cobbler. ‭You know what squat cobbler is.

No, I don't–I don't know what a squat cobbler is.

No, me neither. What is it?

Jimmy

Wha- you two guys are cops? Hoboken Squat Cobbler. Full Moon Moon Pie. Boston Crème Splat. Seriously? Simple Simon the Ass Man? Dutch Apple Ass? Guys, am I not speaking English here?

What the hell is a squat cobbler?!

Jimmy

It's when a man sits in pie! He sits in a pie! And he... [wiggles in his seat] he wiggles around. Maybe it's like Hellman's Mayonnaise, it has a different name west of the Rockies. I don't know, but, uh, technically, he does a crybaby squat, so there's tears, which makes it more specialized. Not all pie-sitters cry, but I'm gonna tell you something: This guy? He's a regular Julianne Moore once he gets ‭the waterworks cranked up.

Pies? What, like apple?

Jimmy

Guys, I'm not the filmmaker here, all right? Banana cream. I... uh, peach. Oh, and there... and there is a costume involved.

[snorts] You've got to be shittin' us.

Jimmy

Yeah, like I would make this up. Hey, the world is ‭a rich tapestry, my friends, but trust me on this: You don't want to see it.

Daniel

So, uh, we're good, right?

Jimmy

Yeah. Great! [chuckles] There is, however, one little, tiny hanging Chad.

Daniel

Well, what? What Chad?

Jimmy

You're gonna have to make a video.

Jimmy

Howdy, folks! Could someone tell me if Mrs. Alma May Urbano is on board? Alma May Urbano? [sees an elderly woman raise her hand] There you are. Hello, dear. Very good to meet you. My name's Jimmy. I tried to visit you at Sandpiper, but they wouldn't allow me to. Hey, you know what? It doesn't matter. I saw your bus broken down, here you are. Lucky me. Do you prefer to be called Mrs. Urbano or Alma May or just plain Alma? My last name is McGill, but you can call me Jimmy. Hey, everyone! My name's Jimmy McGill. I'm an attorney at law, but, uh, don't mind me. Just talk amongst yourselves. Now, Alma May, do you recall responding to a mailer from my law firm, Davis & Main, of Santa Fe, New Mexico?

I... I don't know.

Jimmy

Well, we were looking to help any Sandpiper residents who may have been overcharged for, uh, basic goods and services. Now, does that ring a bell?

Oh! Maybe. Was it yellow?

Jimmy

It's canary yellow. I picked that color myself. [chuckles] Well, ma'am, I'm here to make sure you get your money back.

What are you talking about? Who took Alma May's money?

Jimmy

Uh, well, now, that's a very good question. And thank you for asking, mister, uh...?

Amos... Amos Lydecker.

Jimmy

Mr. Lydecker, Jimmy McGill. Now, nobody took anybody's money, uh, exactly. Okay? It's not like the Sandpiper people, you know, put on a ski mask and, uh, mugged Alma May here at gunpoint. So I want you to put that mental image right out of your head. See, what we're talking about here is more of a... it's just a discrepancy. It's, it's a little thing, it's fairly innocent. But we need to fix it. Do you follow me? [silence] Well, put it this way. Alma May, let's say you're out on a date with your boyfriend. You do have a boyfriend, right? [She shakes her head] Ah! You don't? Come on. You... Alma May's holding out on me. Do you have a nephew?

Nephew? Oh, y-yes. Steve.

Jimmy

Okay, Steve. Is he a good guy?

Yes, very good.

Jimmy

Okay. So, let's say you and Steve go out to dinner at, uh, well, Birdie's. That's where you're all headed today, right? All right. So, both of you have a great meal. It's chicken-fried steak and green beans, and it's all perfect. Here comes the check. "Hey, wait a doggone..." Twenty-four bucks for a side of buttermilk biscuits? "That doesn't sound right, now, does it?" No, it does not. It sounds like something got added up wrong. Well, naturally, you send your nephew Steve to talk to the manager, and naturally, the manager corrects the mistake. And what's more, he gives you a coupon for a free meal next time you come in. How about that? Good. Well, same kind of thing is what happened at Sandpiper Crossing. And nothing makes me sadder than to see people of the Greatest Generation... people like my own Nana and Bobo... gettin' overcharged by some great, big company. Even if it was an accident. Now, I know that the good people at Sandpiper want to make this right sooner or later, but you know what? Well, sometimes, it's just easier if you get your nephew Steve to go take care of it for you. And that's how I want you to think of me.

How about we move on to client outreach?

Howard

Jimmy? You still with us?

I'm gonna save you from having to brag: Over two hundred new Sandpiper clients signed over the past three weeks. Well done, Jimmy.

Jimmy

Thank you. Thanks, Cliff. Right now, we're in the process of mapping out the entire Southwest, targeting the largest Sandpiper facilities first: Phoenix, Colorado Springs, Fort Worth, Provo. Ideally, my goal–another two hundred by the end of the month. With this many folks, we have an excellent shot at a solid batch of plaintiffs for the classes in each district.

Excellent! Looking forward to the next report. Onto a stickier wicket, coordinating actions–

Chuck

Sorry, before we move on, I'd like to go back to client outreach just for a moment. Looking over these numbers here, really astonishing results, Jimmy. Incredible. Your last trip to Amarillo, you came back with twenty-two new clients.

Jimmy

Twenty-four.

Chuck

Twenty-four! I'm confused. Um, how many people out there actually responded to our direct mailer?

Jimmy

...One.

Chuck

Oh, right, yeah. A Mrs. Alma May Urbano... but you got twenty four new clients from this one response? That is... wow.

Jimmy

Well, you're welcome. I mean, what, is there a problem?

Chuck

Well, might not some parties—the opposing counsel, for example—see this differential and conclude that there may have been some solicitation involved?

Jimmy

I did not solicit.

Chuck

I'm just wondering how you account for your success, because it will definitely raise eyebrows over at Schweikart & Cokely. [to the room] I'm sorry, but it will. Particularly in a case involving seniors, for whom the ethical guidelines on solicitation were virtually created by the ABA.

Howard

Chuck, I'm sure that— [Chuck hushes him] Jimmy, if you could clear this up, that would be helpful.

Jimmy

I went to Amarillo to confer with a client, and to make sure that we had a solid, good-faith basis for our case there, overall. As many of you are aware, I've visited more than my share of retirement homes. These are close-knit communities, let me tell ya: word gets around real fast. If Dorothy in Phase 2 gets a new Rascal scooter, it's big news.

So these other twenty-three residents, they approached you?

Jimmy

Cliff, they heard the scuttlebutt before I crossed state lines, and I certainly didn't have to go knocking on any doors. And is it any surprise that they wanna speak with a guy who was there to show them they may have money coming their way? I gotta tell ya, with all that in mind: I shoulda done better.

Makes sense. Howard?

Howard

Chuck? We good to move on?

And Chuck, not incidentally, it is absolutely vital that we dot our I's and cross our T's here—invaluable. So, thank you.

Chuck

Well, the price of excellence is eternal vigilance.

Kim

Look, I need you to understand something very critical here.

Jimmy

Shoot.

Kim

I put myself on the line to get you this job.

Jimmy

Okay, I thought it was because I'm sensational with old people.

Kim

Yeah, and who do you think told them that?

Jimmy

So what, you threw me a bone?

Kim

No. Asshole. You know I believe in you... but then I made my beliefs known to them, and now everything you do reflects back on me with Howard, 'cause ultimately I talked him into going out on a limb for you too. Do you understand? It's- it's my word, it's my judgement.

Jimmy

Yeah.

Kim

You and I both know you can do this job... [Jimmy frowns] but please, you just have to do it right.

Jimmy

It's the boss.

Kim

At this hour?

Jimmy

It's never too late for a congratulations. [picks up phone] Cliff! Jesus, you're still at the office.

You ran a commercial?

Jimmy

Yeah. And oh my God, let me tell you, the response has been–

You ran a commercial without ever showing it to me, without first consulting me and my partners! Did you actually think that was going to fly?!

Jimmy

I was planning on telling you in the morning.

The day after it aired?!

Jimmy

I only ran it once, just in one small market. It was kind of an experiment, all right? Kind of under the radar. And in all fairness, you did tell me client outreach was my department.

Don't be disingenuous. This commercial, I take it my firm's name is mentioned?

Jimmy

Yes, uh... Yeah.

Jesus. Howard said you were a little eccentric. He didn't tell me you were a goddamn arsonist!

Jimmy

Cliff, to be fair, I don't think... I apologize if there was any misreading of the situation on my part, but there's a very positive headline here. We got 103 phone calls today, off a measly $700 ad buy. Now, that kind of return on investment you can't get–

Tomorrow morning. Eight o'clock, my office, with the partners, and we want to see this thing!

Jimmy

Cliff, when you see this, I know you–

Jimmy

Yeah, Cliff. Thank you... Yeah, you too... Okay, see ya.

Kim

Golden boy.

Jimmy

That's me.

Jimmy

You and I did discuss the possibility of a commercial.

A possibility in the abstract for a grand total of 30 seconds when I was halfway out the door!

Jimmy

I guess—I thought I heard enthusiasm, so I- I took some initiative.

Some? Wow. We are a team at Davis & Main, this is a team approach! You coming to us as a solo practitioner, I knew there's gonna be a learning curve, but if you simply can't fit in as part of the team-

Jimmy

I can fit in! I—I fit in. I am here to help you and HHM win Sandpiper. That's all this was about.

Sandpiper's not what keeps the lights on around here.

We- we have clients who wouldn't want to be associated with this kind of—this.

Our image, our reputation is something we've been carefully building for years. It's worth far more than any one case, something like this could damage it. Suffice it to say, there's not a lot of love for you in the room at the moment. The vote is currently 2-to-1 to fire you for cause. However, I believe in second chances, but know this is both strike one and strike two! Going forward, you can expect a great deal more scrutiny.

Chuck

You have to admit that shows a lack of judgment on [Kim's] part. She knows you. She should have known better.

Jimmy

You are such an asshole!

Chuck

Why? For pointing out that her one mistake was believing in you?

Jimmy

For Christ's sake, could we get some perspective here? It was a simple little commercial, it aired once, that's all. And can I remind you it worked—it worked like a dream?

Chuck

See, that's your problem, Jimmy. Thinking that the ends justify the means. And you're forever shocked when it all blows up in your face.

Jimmy

What did I do that was so wrong?

Chuck

You broke the rules. [Jimmy scoffs] You turned Kim into your accessory. You embarrassed Howard who, God help him, inexplicably vouched for you with Cliff Main. You made Cliff and his partners look like schmucks. Shall I go on? How he hasn't fired you for this positively mystifies me. "Perspective." You want perspective? I'll give you mine. You're my brother, and I love you, but you're like an alcoholic who refuses to admit he's got a problem. Now someone's given you the keys to the school bus and I am not going to let you drive it off a cliff.

Jimmy

C-Can we get down to brass tacks here? What can I do to put Kim back where she belongs, huh? Wha- you want me to quit Davis and Main? That's fine! I never wanted that job in the first place!

Chuck

[exasperated] I-I can't get through to you. Life is not one big game of Let's Make a Deal!

Jimmy

Yes, it is! I'm Monty Hall, what's behind door number two? What'll it take, huh?! [pause] You want me to quit being a lawyer? [Chuck scoffs] Yuh, "a chimp with a machine gun," that's me, right?! Huh? So, what do you say? You help Kim, I quit the law. Is that a deal?

Chuck

I didn't say that.

Jimmy

You didn't say it, but that's what you want, right?! That's why you put the screws to Kim in the first place, to squeeze me!

Chuck

I didn't say that, and I would never say that.

Jimmy

Why not?!

Chuck

Because if I were impeding the career of one of my employees, for the purpose of compelling you to do something against your will, that would be extortion.

Jimmy

[chuckles] Yeah, it would. So? You gonna extort me, Chuck? It's a lead-pipe cinch: You get away with it, I'm not gonna tell anyone. It's real easy—You just set things right with Kim, you get her back in her office out of doc review, everything back to normal, and I quit the law... for good. No more Jimmy McGill Esquire. Poof, like he never even existed.

Chuck

Wow. Wow!

Jimmy

But I need to hear the words come out of your mouth, okay? You're a man of your word, you're an upstanding man, right?!

Chuck

For God's sake. Jimmy—

Jimmy

Come on, Chuck! Extort me! Say "quit" and I will quit, but I need to hear it from your mouth.

Chuck

You want me to commit a felony... because that's what you'd do, right?! Because you want to believe that deep down, I'm some hypocrite!

Jimmy

Let's find out. Come on down, Chuck, roll around in the dirt with me! All your dreams will come true! Go on, do it! Go on!

Chuck

I am not the bad guy here. You don't want to be a lawyer, that's between you and the New Mexico State Bar. You want to quit Davis & Main, be my guest! You clearly don't need any help from me to tank your career; you're doing just fine on your own.

Jimmy

Alright, what's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle? The vacuum cleaner has the dirtbag on the inside. Ha!

Chuck

Heh... lawyer jokes.

Jimmy

I've only been in the mailroom a week and I've heard maybe a hundred! It all comes from a place of affection.

Chuck

Sure. Of course.

Jimmy

What do you get when you cross The Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand.

Very clever.

Chuck

Never heard that one.

Jimmy

And believe me, I have nothing but the utmost respect for your profession. I mean, it's a pillar of— oh, why do they bury lawyers under twenty feet of dirt? Because deep down, they're really good people. [Chuck gets uncomfortable] What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 60? Your Honor. What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

[amused] Oh, no.

Jimmy

The tick falls off when you're dead! [Rebecca laughs] Bam! Love that one. You like that? [to Chuck] Just joking. I want you to know how seriously I take my job. I—Grateful for the–oh! How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? Classic setup here. Three: one to climb the ladder, one to shake it and one to sue the ladder company. [he and Rebecca laugh]

Chuck

Comedy gold.

Jimmy

I'm here all night!

More! Go, go.

Jimmy

Okay, okay, okay-

Chuck

[gets up] Dessert, anyone? We have a homemade blueberry crumble with vanilla ice cream.

Jimmy

Yeah, blueberry crumble, sounds terrific. I love a fruit based—

Wait, I think I have one!

Jimmy

Oh, bring it on.

Yeah, yeah. What do lawyers and sperm have in common? Um, three million—No, wait. One in three million have...

Jimmy

[in unison with Rebecca] ...A chance of becoming a human being!

Well, that went well.

Chuck

Sure. Thanks again.

I don't know what you were worried about, Jimmy's great.

Chuck

Yeah. No, he's... yeah.

Kim

Wexler v. Hamlin Hamlin McGill. You want me to sue my own firm?

Jimmy

Filing's all typed up, it's ready to go. This is not my area of expertise, alright? So, first order of business: we get a great employment law attorney, show 'em we mean business. [Kim rubs her face in frustration] Come on! Hey, look at you, okay? You're here at midnight in this glorified cellblock, busting your ass, for what? It has nothing to do with your performance. You're being mistreated. Chuck is punishing you to get to me! This is extortion, pure and simple.

Kim

No, that's Howard, who has an image to uphold. He did the same thing after the Kettleman fiasco, and Chuck was nowhere in sight.

Jimmy

...I'm telling you, Chuck is behind this.

Kim

No, you are behind this. I told you this would happen, and now I'm paying the price. I should have known better. So now, I'm keeping my head down and I'm getting through this, and I'm most certainly not suing HHM.

Jimmy

Kim—

Kim

Even if I won, who would hire me? That would be career suicide.

Jimmy

All right. Then I quit Davis & Main.

Kim

What does that accomplish?

Jimmy

It's the only way to get you out of dutch. Because this is about Chuck, whether you want to believe it or not. I give him what he wants, he lets up on you.

Kim

Wow, my knight in shining armor. That is some sacrifice, quitting a job that you've been trying to tank since day one.

Jimmy

That's not true.

Kim

I dig myself out of this hole. You do your job, Jimmy. Prove you can go one week— hell, one day without breaking the rules of the New Mexico Bar Association or pissing off your boss, and don't insult my intelligence by saying you are doing any of this for me. You don't save me. I save me.

Kim

I... I had a job offer.

Jimmy

Really? From where?

Kim

Schweikart & Cokely.

Jimmy

Seriously?

Kim

Rich Schweikart said they would even pay off my law school loans.

Jimmy

That's great! Please let me be there when you tell Howard. Please? [Kim looks away] So why the sad puppy eyes? What, you don't want that job?

Kim

No, no, of course I do... I mean, who wouldn't, right?

Jimmy

It's a huge firm, you get out from under Howard's thumb...

Kim

Right. Exactly. Besides, HHM is looking more and more like a dead-end for me, anyway.

Jimmy

Exactly! So what's the problem?

Kim

I just... I don't know. I keep thinking of you floating in that pool. You knew what you wanted, but I got in the way.

Jimmy

What are you talking about?

Kim

You took the Davis & Main job because of me.

Jimmy

I took that job because it was the right decision. A steady paycheck? Done. A place to live that's more than oh, five square feet? Boom. A car that's all one color? Nailed it! I'm good, I got what I wanted. And you with the Schweikart thing, you could have everything you ever wanted! What's not to love about that?

Kim

Yeah... what's not to love?

Jimmy

I regret to inform you that, with the benefit of hindsight, Mr. Ehrmantraut will be amending his original statement a tad.

"A tad"?

Jimmy

A wee bit. He's decided that he can no longer, in good conscience, claim that the gun found at the crime scene belonged to Tuco Salamanca.

So, whose gun was it?

Jimmy

Who's to say? You know how many guns there are in Albuquerque? Somewhere between the number of rattlesnakes and grains of sand, so, a lot.

Was it your gun, Mr. Ehrmantraut?

Jimmy

No, he's not saying that-

Can we hear it from Mr. Ehrmantraut?

Mike

The gun wasn't Salamanca's, that's all I can tell you.

You told us it was. You said Salamanca pulled it and pointed it at you.

Mike

...Well, he didn't.

Why are you changing your story?

Jimmy

Good citizenship.

Look, there was only one set of prints on the gun: Salamanca's. How's that gonna happen if it wasn't his?

Jimmy

That's not really for my client to say, now is it? He's not a forensics expert. Who knows, maybe it, uh... fell from a passing bird's beak and Mr. Salamanca caught it, tried to throw it away. [Mike rolls his eyes] I mean, the possibilities are endless.

Did Salamanca threaten you, Mr. Ehrmantraut?

Jimmy

Hey!

We wanna put this guy away for years. The gun makes all the difference, you know that. You gonna let this person victimize you twice?

Jimmy

Forget about the gun, alright? The gun was not Salamanca's. If you try to introduce it in evidence, Mr. Ehrmantraut will make himself available to the defense and he will set the record straight, categorically and unequivocally.

...Did he threaten you or pay you off?

Jimmy

[acting offended] Whoa! Okay, that's it! We're done.

Jimmy

You're doing the right thing. This Salamanca character? Maniac. I had my own... thing with him. I didn't wanna say anything before because conflict of interest, yadda yadda, but yeah, he's nuts. [whispers] I'm talking, he had me hogtied in the desert with a gun to my head, broke two guys' legs right in front of me. If I hadn't talked him down, he probably would've... I'll spare you the gory details, but it was a deal and a half, not something you forget.

Mike

And you're telling me this, why?

Jimmy

Don't be too tough on yourself; like they say, discretion is the better part of valor. I would've done the same thing. Hey, today? It's on me, no charge.

Mike

You take the next one, and bill me.

Excuse me, can I have everyone's attention please? Everyone can hear me? Good. Frankly, this is not a conversation I ever thought I would have in my professional career. But it's been brought to my attention that we have an ongoing situation in the washroom. Someone is not flushing. Once is an accident, maybe even twice. Three times, nah, it's a pattern.

And we're not talking about a number one.

Yes, thank you, Erin. Now I'm not here to shame anyone, nor do I even want to know who did it. But—

Jimmy

Uh, Cliff, it was me.

Jimmy, I just said I didn't want to know!

Jimmy

Hey, we need the water. I read somewhere the Santa Fe Watershed is down two full inches this year. Every time you flush a toilet, you waste a gallon of water. A gallon! What could be greener than this?

They're low-flow toilets, Jimmy! From now on, flush!

Jimmy

That's... good, good thinking.

You win.

Jimmy

What do I win?

You're fired.

Jimmy

What? Cliff, if this is about the bagpipes-

It's not about the bagpipes! Well, of course it's the bagpipes. It's the bagpipes and the not flushing and this-this optical migraine you call a business suit. It's about... [sighs] It's about keeping your bonus, that's what this is about. Been brushing up on your contract law, haven't you? You want out of here, clearly, but you can't just up and quit and expect to keep your bonus, and if I fire you for cause, like I should've done for the TV commercial, no bonus. However, if I fire you not for cause, but for being an all-around jackass...yeah, hooray for you.

Jimmy

If you think there's been some malfeasance here...

Oh, save it. I could fight you on this, but you're not worth my time. I'd rather have you gone.

Jimmy

...Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. I'll just uh, pack up.

First, do me the favor of not treating me like a fool for once. Tell me, how exactly did we mistreat you? What did I do to deserve this kind of behavior? We gave you opportunities, encouraged you to excel, got you a car, an apartment. Hell, that cocobolo desk? Do you see a desk like that in here? You never gave this a chance. Why?

Jimmy

I tried to make it work. Really, I did. I'm just... a square peg.

If you knew that, why did you take the job?!

Jimmy

[beat] I'm sorry. [turns to leave Cliff's office] How much was the desk?

Seven thousand dollars.

Jimmy

I'll write you a check.

Fine, for whatever good that does. Take your desk and get out.

Jimmy

...Hey, Cliff. For what's it's worth, I think you're a good guy.

For what it's worth, I think you're an asshole.