[Jimmy is spinning a lie to the police about Daniel's secret stash]
Well, this all comes down to a personal dispute, that's all. It's between Mr. Wormald and uh, his "art patron".
Art patron?
Uh, yeah. My client has an arrangement with a wealthy gentleman for whom Mr. Wormald provides... art, in exchange for this gentleman's generous, eh... we'll call it patronage.
Art. Like what, paintings?
It's more like digital media.
Digital media?
He made videos for the man.
What kind of videos?
Private videos of an artistic nature. That's what was in the hiding place, that's what it was for.
...So this "art patron" stole the videos and the baseball cards?
Well, there was a misunderstanding. I mean, call it creative differences. Artists are volatile creatures! Guys, this all comes down to just a lover's spat, okay? Two consenting adults had a falling out, that happens, and the patron stole the videos and the baseball cards, to make a point, I guess. But the headline here is: it's all settled, hearts have mended and Mr. Wormald will not be pressing charges.
What was on these videos?
They were private.
You said that.
They were videos intended... to titillate the senses.
Okay, so porn.
Not—No. Not as such. Technically, they would be categorized as fetish videos, but nothing illegal. Just a man–a fully clothed man, I might add–just all by himself. Just–just Mr. Wormald, fully clothed... uh, yeah. So-
Yeah, alright. So, fully clothed Mr. Wormald by himself... doing what?
Yeah, come on, man. What?
[sighs] Squat cobbler.
What's a s-squat cobbler?
Squat cobbler. You know what squat cobbler is.
No, I don't–I don't know what a squat cobbler is.
No, me neither. What is it?
Wha- you two guys are cops? Hoboken Squat Cobbler. Full Moon Moon Pie. Boston Crème Splat. Seriously? Simple Simon the Ass Man? Dutch Apple Ass? Guys, am I not speaking English here?
What the hell is a squat cobbler?!
It's when a man sits in pie! He sits in a pie! And he... [wiggles in his seat] he wiggles around. Maybe it's like Hellman's Mayonnaise, it has a different name west of the Rockies. I don't know, but, uh, technically, he does a crybaby squat, so there's tears, which makes it more specialized. Not all pie-sitters cry, but I'm gonna tell you something: This guy? He's a regular Julianne Moore once he gets the waterworks cranked up.
Pies? What, like apple?
Guys, I'm not the filmmaker here, all right? Banana cream. I... uh, peach. Oh, and there... and there is a costume involved.
[snorts] You've got to be shittin' us.
Yeah, like I would make this up. Hey, the world is a rich tapestry, my friends, but trust me on this: You don't want to see it.
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