Hal quotes from Being Human

Hal

Look, I'm not sure what you were used to when George and, er Tina were around, but...

Annie

Their names...were Nina...George...and Mitchell. And this was their home. And they were my friends. And they would have listened to me.

Hal

I used to ride a horse once.

What? What's that got to do with it?

Hal

[Babbling] I had a sword. I was respected. Better than that, I was feared. Peasants had their backs flayed for looking at me funny.

Tom

You alright Hal?

Hal

It was brutal, but it worked. We had order, we had respect, and now, we have this.

Tom

OK, then, mate. Let's go in the back and have a bit of a chat, shall we? Come on.

Hal

And I had a shield. A red one!

Tom

What we watching?

Hal

I don't know. Something about conmen.

Tom

Anything else on?

Hal

Please, don't do that, little baby. Help! Anyone!

Tom

Annie's made a rota.

Hal

I already have a rota.

Tom

7am, I feed the baby. 8am, You walk the baby. There's a task for every hour and it's colour coded.

Hal

Little pictures of nappies and bottles. And Glitter.

Hal

She's planned every moment of every minute of every day of our lives.

Tom

We must destroy this.

Hal

[Doing press-ups] 90...91...

Annie

Hal?

Hal

92...

Annie

Hal, um, It's 12 o'clock, so baby massage and stimulating story time.

Hal

98... 99...

Annie

100, Great! Um, Eve needs to...

Hal

102... 103... 104...

Annie

Kirby's great, isn't he?

Hal

105...

Annie

He's quite funny too.

Annie

Now you're just showing off!

Hal

I can't do twelve till one.

Annie

Yes, but it's on the rota.

Hal

Yes, but on my rota it says 12 o'clock, press-ups, then You and Yours on Radio 4.

Annie

Oh!

Hal

It's important. It keeps me...

Annie

Buff?

Hal

No.

Annie

Up to date with consumer affairs?

Hal

No, it keeps me from killing.

Annie

Oh.

Hal

And you've seen me. This is how I focus and control it.

Annie

So you take it out on your pecs.

Hal

Better them than humanity.

Annie

Hal, we're meant to be a team.

Hal

OK.

Annie

And when you said humanity you meant...

Hal

I'd kill everyone I encountered until I was sated. Barry, Cardiff, most of South Wales.

Annie

Right. Not all bad, then. OK... [Hands Eve over to him] Well, don't forget to use lavender oil for the massage. OK?

Hal

I never forget anything.

Annie

It must be lovely being you. Always the cleverest and the oldest and never forget anything for hundreds of years.

Hal

No. It's terrible.

You look after the baby on your own do you?

Tom

Umm...

Annie

Hal! Get down here now!

Are you the baby's sole carer?

Tom

Nope. It's not just me.

There's the baby's mother?

Tom

Sort of, yeah.

Is everything all right here? Because you seem rather odd.

Hal

What do you mean by that?

[sees Hal] Who are you?

Hal

[Uncomfortable] I'm, um...

Annie

Say it.

Hal

I'm his...boyfriend.

Tom

Yeah, me and him, we've...

Hal

When you said rather odd, what were you implying?

That's he's a halfwit.

Annie

[Singing to Tom] Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! [To Hal] Come on, Hal.

Hal

I don't sing.

Annie

You know, when I was 16, a photographer told me I was pretty enough to be in a catalogue. Yeah, a catalogue, Hal. You don't hear me going on about it.

Hal

I've only been here a few weeks, you've already told me twice.

Hal

You know, you remind me of a conquest back in Madrid in 1784. I wooed her with a thousand tulips.

Adam

Well, that'd be your first mistake. [To Yvonne] You have awful hay fever, don't you?

Yvonne

It's true. I'm a martyr to it.

Hal

You do know Tom's planning to build a swimming pool in the back garden?

Annie

[Excited] Yes!

Hal

You're in denial about it, aren't you?

Annie

Yes! It's brilliant.

Allison

Don't tell me you're still on MySpace?

Hal

We're more Ceefax people.

Hal

Then it is time to declare your intentions! First, write her a poem. Then speak to her father.

Tom

Annie said I should just get drunk and try and to snog her.

Hal

It's all so brutish these days! I preferred the dowry system.

I've never been kissed.

Annie

What?

When I was alive.

Annie

[disbelieving] Really? Never, ever? In your whole life?

Allison

It's not that unbelievable.

Tom

I could imagine actually.

Hal

We've all had dry spells.

Hal

I like your mouth.

Oh, thanks sugar. I'm sure that sounded less creepy in your head.

Hal

I assume you just close your eyes and picture yourself somewhere else.

Trust me, I've been doing that since you arrived.