George Sands quotes from Being Human

George

[To Herrick] I thought the whole undertaker thing was just a front?

Herrick

Oh it is. That's Nanna, she's one of us. She sits there, reads the brochures. Good for appearances. [To the old lady] You alright Nanna?

Oh, yes!

Herrick

Had an affair with Hitler didn't you dear?

Oh, yes!

George

Someone actually recruited an old woman?

Herrick

Well, you know how it is. You're out and about, you get the munchies, you'll eat anything.

Annie

What happens next, Mitchell?

George

Yeah, is it over? Are we safe now?

Mitchell

Maybe Herrick was right, maybe some else will pick up where he left off.

George

I meant to ask, have you started dunking biscuits into your tea now?

Annie

It was the logical next step.

George

Dunking biscuits you can't eat into tea you can't drink is the logical next step?

Annie

Okay, shut up! I'm gonna tell you. I have applied for a job.

George

As what?

Annie

Well, it's something that I've always fancied.

George

Marrying Colin Firth isn't, strictly speaking, a job.

Annie

They're advertising for bar staff at the New Found Out.

Mitchell

The pub? That's the job you've always fancied? Jesus, aim for the stars.

George

It's not about you any more, so there's nothing left for you to do. You're like a piece of um...deadly furniture.

Mitchell

Did you just call me deadly furniture?

Mitchell

One of the times I tried to properly quit drinking blood, I was living with this vampire, Carl. And he helped me. He's been clean for, what-- I don't know-- twenty years now--

George

You...um, sorry. You lived with someone...before me?

Mitchell

...What? Yeah, lots of people.

George

But--Who?!

Mitchell

...Vampires? People-people, I don't know!

George

Peo--oh, well, that's it.

Mitchell

Oh, god. Don't get all--

George

What? What?

Mitchell

You! Don't get all you about this. Of course I've lived with other people. You think I've spent the past hundred years waiting for you and your...three different kinds of upholstery cleaner to show up?!

George

You are being careful aren't you?

Annie

Thanks, but I think I'm a bit old and dead for the contraception conversation.

Annie

Hugh is like a brother to me.

George

Oh, promise me you'll never tell him that.

Annie

I think he's really sweet.

George

Really sweet? Oh my God! Why not just stab him in the face? A brother? Annie, trust me, the only man who'd ever want to hear that is your actual brother.

Annie

"My heart yearns for your fragrant hair"?

George

That's private!

Annie

Does she have fragrant hair?

George

Yes. I'm a terrible poet and a terrible boyfriend.

Annie

What's the last line? "Because you're worth it"?

Annie

It's not interfering, it's more like regime change.

George

Oh, because that's never gone wrong.

Annie

We're like detectives - Crockett and Tubbs.

George

Or Randall and Hopkirk deceased.

George

You don't buy any food. You never hoover. I don't think you even know what a pair of Marigolds is!

Mitchell

I don't do Marigolds.

Annie

We need to talk. So, George, you start.

George

[to Mitchell] Are you okay?

Mitchell

I've been better. You?

George

Likewise.

Mitchell

We should just go out one night and just get hammered.

George

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Annie

That's it? That's how you share?

George

What more is there to say?

Mitchell

Yeah, he's feeling a bit down, which is pretty understandable and I'm kind of stressed. We don't need to turn this into an episode of Oprah.

George

Exactly! File it under 'have discussed'.

Mitchell

George do you wanna watch The Real Hustle?

George

Oh I would really like that Mitchell. [to Annie] Women - think you're such authorities, like the way you deal with emotion is the only way.

Mitchell

It's not on!

George

Er, yeah it is. It's on at 10:30.

Mitchell

No, they moved it.

George

They what?! No, you're kidding me?!

Mitchell

Oh I don't believe it!

George

No, I was looking forward to that.

Mitchell

10:30 Thursdays. That's 'Real Hustle' time. A fucking child knows that!

George

Could I just not have one good thing in my life...?

Mitchell

...It just drives me insane when they move things around...

George

...Don't I deserve it? Don't I deserve one bloody crumb of happiness?

Mitchell

...This is so...what, so we're supposed to check every week! Like we don't have anything else to do! Is it our responsibility? Why's it down to us?!

George

I saw a preview. They were going to do a con about cashpoints.

Mitchell

Really? [George nods] I would have loved that. You bastards! Argh!! [Mitchell flings the TV schedule at the television and walks into the kitchen as George sobs, Mitchell walks back wearing Marigolds] There, I'll do the washing-up! Is everyone happy now?!

George

There must be some other reason for chatting you up, like access to drugs.

Mitchell

She's a doctor! She can steal her own drugs.

George

Ah, so she's on drugs. That makes perfect sense.

Mitchell

You see, it's pep talks like this I'm really going to miss.

George

This can't be happening to me! This can't! I teach language!

Mitchell

[Fighting a snigger] You could teach...bad language!