Batman · Season 1
[to Batman and Robin, who are in Puzzler's hot-air balloon trap] Hey, you guys want some gum?
Really, Ramjet!
That's what they give you in the airlines before you take off.
No, thank you.
Litter bug.
Now, for the launching, give me the dagger. This is the unkindest cut of all. Farewell, Dynamic Duo. Bon voyage, happy landings. Adieu, adieu, remember me.
Ho Ho Ho!!!
Say hi to those 8 tiny reindeer for us.
I will!!
Merry Christmas Santa.
Merry Christmas everybody Ho Ho Ho!!!!
If you can't trust Santa, whom can you trust?
[After arriving back at the Batcave]
That was a quick trip!
Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara didn't have much to offer.
1) A Policewoman's vanished. 2) Catwoman and Sandman are apparently in cahoots. 3) A girl was abducted from a store window. 4) She turned up on television, and 5) She disappeared. You're right, Batman. It's nothing.
Of course. As Commissioner Gordon says, it all could be building up to something. Let's try putting ourselves in Sandman's shoes. What would he be after?
Money! Isn't that what we've always heard?
Exactly, old chum. And into whose eyes would he sprinkle his sand to get that money?
Someone very rich.
And very likely, someone who has trouble sleeping. Oh — why the pointed plug on television for "Dr. Somnambula"?
Holy alter ego! You think Sandman and Dr. Somnambula are one and the same?
I do, Robin! And I also think that ersatz "Sleeping Beauty" is... Catwoman. And it's all some murky masquerade to hoodwink our hapless, sleepless money bags. Now, can you name some famous insomniacs?
Well, there was Olaf the Sad, of Norway.
He's been dead for 800 years.
And that famous Chinese historian, Fo Hap Chung!
Tsk, tsk, tsk. Born with no eyelids.
How about the French empress, whose head stayed awake even after she'd been guillotined?
Poor creature. No! No, it must be someone here in Gotham City, right now. Let's give the Batcomputer a crack at it.
[They go to the terminal and enter it in. Suddenly, a clump of pink strings start oozing out of the punchcard slot.]
Batman, LOOK! What skinny macaroni!
No... It's spaghetti, Robin. A variety of alimentary paste; larger than vermicelli, but not as tubular as mac— [Bell dings] That's it. Spaghetti! J. PAULINE SPAGHETTI! One of the richest women in the world, who made a fortune in noodles — and who searched the world over for a solution to her sleeping problems.
Is that the J. Pauline Spaghetti who owns the J. Pauline Spaghetti Hotel?
One and the same. And she's right here, at that hotel, in Gotham City, now! There isn't a second to waste, Robin! [they race back to the Batmobile.]
It's naptime for both of you!
To the medical eye such childish claptrap means just one thing, young man: You need some sleep.
This phase of my career will never be over, until I have The Caped Crusader's cowl safely in my custody!
Who made Batman and Robin famous crime fighters? Criminals, that's who. If you want to show a little respect to the departed, stay crooked! That's the least you can do.
Right now, Robin and I are off to nail Mad Hatter.
The Mad Hatter? At a time like this? Who cares about that pipsqueak's inconsequential crimes?
Any crime, no matter how large or small, Commissioner Gordon, is a violation of a public right and common law, and the criminal or criminals committing such an offense must be apprehended, for the sake of all human morality.
Oh, The caped crusaders don't know what's in store for them. At long last, I'll have them out of my way permanently.
That's a long time, Joker.
The proceeds from my zodiac crimes will give me what I've always wanted. Complete control of Gotham City. Oh, yes. The caped crusaders are now solidly star-crossed. Venus. Venus, will you stop bouncing?
Your orders, Joker. A larcenous mind in a limber body. we must stay trim.
No.
Batman's no fool.
He's no match for me with the stars as my guide. Oh, get the door, Mercury.
Freight shipment. Collect. Two thousand four hundred fifty dollars.
What?
Just pay him, Mercury. Quick, give me a hand with this. Ha-ha-ha! Careful now. Careful.
What's inside, Joker? $2000 is a lot of money!
Ah, this merchandise is WORTH $2000!
[Penguin pops out of the box.]
It's worth $200,000, you cheapskate! At least you could have sent me a plane ticket!
We had to get you into Gotham City without anyone knowing about it, Pengy. Especially Batman.
You better have something good cooked up for that caped creep.
Oh, don't you worry, Pengy. The pot's being put on the fire right now, and Batman's in it.
Oh, you are a man after my own heart, Joker.
Black, eh?
Black as pitch.
Venus seemed like a nice girl in that costume.
I suspect she is a nice girl down deep, but she's fallen in with bad companions. And who knows what her home life was like?
Where are Uranus and Mars? They should have completed Operation Laundry Bag by now.
Maybe they ran into some trouble with the prison guards.
They better not. Operation Laundry Bag must be successful... in order for me to complete Aquarius and Capricorn. The final two crimes of my zodiac. Ha, ha. They're here. Yeah. Well, where is he?
In the bag.
Stupid. Why didn't you let him out?
We didn't have a chance. Warden Crichton's boys chased us all the way from the prison.
Well, quick, help me get him out.
Waugh, waugh, waugh. You dolts. You buffoons. I might have suffocated.
I'm sorry, Pengy. I didn't mean to...
"Pengy"? Mr. Penguin to you, sir.
Numskull, get Penguin's clothes for him! Hurry!
Get my clothes for me? I've got them on!
Oh, so you do! For a minute, I thought those were prison issue!
Prison issue?! This sartorial triumph, a prison issue?!
Well, sometime I'll give you the name of my tailor!
Sometime I'll give you a piece of my mind! Like right now!!
I don't have any other clothes for him, Joker. But... But I got news for you. Saturn called from the other hideout. Venus and the Caped Crusaders are gone.
Well, of course they're gone. The clam made a good meal out of them. Ha-ha-ha!
The Batmobile's gone too, from outside. The clam could haven't eaten that.
Are you trying to tell me Batman, Robin and Venus could all have escaped my clam trap?
Yeah, that's the way it looks from here, Joker.
Oh, Pengy. Then I really need your help.
To do what?
To terminate Batman once and for all. While I conclude my Zodiac Crimes.
Now you're talking. Together to the end, Jokey. Batman's end.
Robin, get the money.
[entering from behind a curtain] Don't do it Robin! She's got you under the influence of some sort of drug, Robin.
Who's the character in the ridiculous costume?
[laughs] That's Batman.
You don't recognize me, Robin? What a dastardly turn of events this is.
Robin?
Yeah?
Slay the blue dragon.
Groovy.
Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
What she [Pussycat] needs is a good slap on the wrist.
That's enough. You know I'm violently opposed to police brutality.
Chief O'Hara, may I have the keys to your patrol car?
...are you insured?
Give him the keys, O'Hara!
Yes, sir.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Batman pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
